I can't beleive how patheic I am.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by TheBLA, Sep 30, 2006.

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  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I'm just infinitely inferior to everyone on this planet. I turned out to be a complete and utter loser. All I have and do still is eat, sleep, study, play videogames, watch tv, etc. I'm 19, second year in college and all I do is commute there to go to class and study, no friends, no social life, nothing. My life is so empty, didn't have friends in high school as well, never went to prom, etc. I don't have any good memories, nothing to remember, my life is just empty, I already feel dead.
    And all the other 19 years olds around me are so happy, energetic, full of life and I don't blame them, I'm just inferior to all of them.
    I feel that I have to commit suicide because I was perhaps raised wrong and so its too late to change anything. I'll just live the rest of my life without any company, no friends, no life partner, nothing.

    What hurts is that I'm on the wrong path, the path to loserdom and that I probably have what it takes to get on the right path. Everyone tells me to just go out and meet people, socialize, improve myself, its so hard. Why do I have to be the one to completely make an overhaul of my pathetic life whereas everyone else has been on the good path their whole life? And everyone that knows me has no idea how depressed, lonely and pathetic I am, my suicide would be a huge shock to all of them.
    I'm the biggest loser alive, why did it have to be me of all people? Sigh...............................:sad: :sad: :sad: :sad: :sad:
    And I don't know if I can commit suicide with the harm it would cause my family and also my fear of what happens after you die. I feel so stuck. Why did I have to turn out so screwed up? I don't belong in this world, I shouldn't be living, I don't have what it takes to life, to have a normal life.

    I am so inferior and messed up, surrounded by everyone whos better than me in everything, I'm just a useless pathetic slug. I wish I could start life from scratch all over again......I don't know what to do.
  2. special_needs

    special_needs Well-Known Member

    well, i dont know how to help you...but i had to say this: i fell EXACTLY like you.
    i know this isnt a solution, but i felt not so alone when i saw your post.... hope you feel the same way....
  3. am I alive

    am I alive Well-Known Member

    Hey, I am 25, my story is almost same, i don't like TV and not playing games everything else is same... still fucking student, have nothing behind me... i can't believe there is bigger loser than i am. I have never been happy, never felt love, never have fun... and sad thing is i feel i never will have anything of it. I don't know why i should keep to live my fucking life...

    I know i didnt help much...just to let you know you are not the only one...so if you want to talk you can pm me anytime...
  4. lost eden

    lost eden Member

    You have pretty much described my life perfectly in your post, whilst I was reading through there were so many things that I picked up on as being things that I feel every day.

    I've just left home & come to uni - I chose one the furthest away that I could get into with my grades. I don't want to be here, I don't like the place, & most of all I don't actually want to be doing the course. For the latter half of my life I've been lieing to myself & everybody araound me & trying, pretending, to be someone that I'm not, because some stupid part of me felt that this was who I should be to be happy & to be accepted by society. It wasn't until too late that I realised what I really wanted to be & what I really wanted to be doing. So I'm stuck doing something I hate with no way out, & every day I'm reminded at every turn of what I could be doing & of how happy I could've been if only I had realised sooner.

    Like you, I feel truly pathetic, mainly because I couldn't even see& realise, or have the strenght to accept & stand up to what I truly believed in. People keep on telling me that I have the enire rest of my life to become who I reallly want to be, but I don't want to have to work to become who I want to be, I want to start again & just be who I am from the start. So what if I can choose to live for another 60 years & strive to become who I want to be, I've ruined the most important part of my child-hood & growing up, & there's no way that I can re-live that.

    I find myself losing entire days fantasising about how life could have been, but then I come to my senses & I hate myself again for not being like that.

    Really the only thing that's keeping me here is how much it will hurt people if I go. I was scared of leaving home for 9 months of the year for the next 3 years because I was scared of becoming even more anti-social than before, spending all of my time locked into my room. And to tell the truth, I do do that most of the time - I'm sharing a flat with 5 other people, & I make sure that I wake up early every day so that I can make breakfast in the kitchen & then return to my room & lock myself in, I do my laundry at 2am because I don't want to be with anyone in the laundry room, I leave lectures as quickly as I can so that I don't get caught up in conversations, & when I come to lectures I make some excuse to sit next to someone I don't know so that they won't talk to me, then I walk home alone, & all day long I can't for the life of me stop thinking about things I don't want to think about because it only reminds me of how much I hate myself right now. I feel so guilty about pushing people away when they try to make friends with me, but I can't bear the thought of letting them get close to me because I'll only hurt them.

    I don't sleep at night & rely on pills to let me escape for a couple of hours when I turn in each morning.

    But through all of this, we're both still here & that's something. There is something holding us back which is the fact that leaving would hurt people that care about us, that love us. And if they can find it within themselves to care about us, & even maybe love us, there must be a way that we can learn to do that towards ourselves. I haven't found that way yet, but it's making living on a bit easier.

    If you ever want to talk 'live' then e-mail me ( tenshisouzouATgmailDOTcom) & we can try to set up some time on MSN or something like that.

    But now that you've taken the first step & posted here, don't run away again & hide, because there are people here who want to help people like you & me, kay?

    I hope that wasn't too disjointed... Things aren't at their best right now.
  5. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Thanks for those posts guys, but I still cant help but feel I'm the only one in this disgusting situation.

    Everyone thinks I'm normal and my stupid parents have no idea why I'm depressed or even why on Earth I would even THINK about commiting suicide.

    Nobody knows how messed up I am, I do think that I missed out at the most critical stages of growth and this will haunt me for the rest of my life. After I moved to the U.S here when I was 10, I got very withdrawn and isolated, having no friends, just playing on the computer, videogames, TV, etc.

    I may be 19, but I still feel like a 10 year old. I have the intelligence of a 19 year old, but a 10 year old's maturity. Who the hell would want to be friends with someone whose only played videogames his whole pathetic life? Everyone else has nice, balanced lives and mine's is so fucked up.

    I can't help but think about commiting suicide and I really think I will as people around me get good jobs, marry, have kids, settle down, and I'll still be that loser who depends on his aging parents who are frustrated at his failures. If there is a way out, it would be very hard and difficult, I've dug myself into a very deep hole of failure and sadness and I'm the type to give up easily, this time with suicide. :sad:

    I'm going to write a letter describing the things I've said here in more detail to my psychologist and see what he says when i visit him on Friday, don't think the visits to him help.

    I never thought as a child, I'd end up like the loser I am now. Don't think I can ever be happy, I can't live the rest of my life as being so abnormal, I HAVE to commit suicide. My depression is only gonna get worse and everyone else around me will grow, mature and be happy. Not me...................sob....sob. :sad: :sad: :sad: :sad:
  6. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    :hug: I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, but let me stress that you are NOT pathetic. It's not your fault you find it so difficult to socialise, if you COULD socialise, you'd probably go out there right now to meet new people but it's never easy... Some people lack in social skills and find it difficult to strike up conversations with people to make friendships. I know it's hard to believe but trust me when I say, you're not the only person who feels this way. I feel this way, many people on the forum does, too, and many people in the 'real world' struggle when it comes to socialising but it's not something that has to take control of your life. Don't let it! If you have social anxiety, there are ways to combat it but like many other things, you've gotta take the first step to combatting it because social anxiety, or a fear of socialising most probably won't go on it's own.

    Is there any reason why you don't like socialising? If you can pin point it down to one thing (or two, three things..) then that's a good start.

    I'm here whenever you wanna talk. :hug:
  7. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Thank you Resistance. I'm a bit busy right now but I'll come back and reply to this thread.
    I do many times feel ignored and unwanted here, I hope that isn't the case? I keep feeling that maybe other's people's problems have more urgency that mine since I don't cut, haven't tried to commit suicide yet. But I feel that I will eventually, its not "if" but "when". :sad:

    So I said I'm working on a letter to give to my psychologist to read before I visit him on Friday. Think I should post it here? It would be a bit long though.

    I'm feeling quite rotten and I'd really appreciate anyone to talk to me. I can't talk to my parents about it.
  8. claycad

    claycad Well-Known Member

    I can relate very well, I am a 24 y/o college student and am very dependant on my parents for financially support which kind of makes me feel like a losers sometimes. Like I'm 24 and just finished my AAS degree...ha, took me four years to finish a two year degree...now I am just beginning a BFA degree which, if all goes well will take me another three and a half years to complete. Problem is, all doesn't go well. I'm not doing so great this semester. I will tell you a trick that works for me, that may work for you. When I was in high school I got picked on by a lot of dickheads. I come from a podunk town and all those dickheads who thought they were hot shit in high school are still living around the podunk town doing podunk jobs while at least I have an AAS degree and am attempting to get a BFA. Think of all the people you went to high school with who did nothing with there lives after high school.

    I have been working on writting my thoughts to my therapist as well. It might be a good idea to post your letter, if not, then I hope you find the courage to give it to your psychologist.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 1, 2006
  9. longingforpeace

    longingforpeace Active Member

    I can understand how you feel. I felt the same thing at that age. I know it seems hard to picture a better future when you are that depressed and have gone so long being non-social. But let me tell you, I'm 27, and with the problems I have going on now I would almost prefer being 19 again and having no friends because at least I would know there is still hope. Maybe you could at least get together with some other gamers and hang out. All you really have to do is find one or two people to hang out with and then you meet friends of those people, and then friends with the people they are friends with and so on down the line. Just don't give up. Friends don't just land on your doorstep. As much as I'm sure you'll hate to hear it again, you've got to get out there and try to interact. You can stay indoors for the rest of your life, or you can take the risk at socializing, even though the possibility of rejection is there. The choice is yours. From the sound of it, it seems that you are pretty intelligent and worthwhile. You are inexperienced, but will only gain experience by taking risks. Thats really the bottom line. Hope this post has helped, even if only a little bit.
  10. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry that you feel ignored, you shouldn't feel that way because it doesn't matter how urgent the problem is, or what you're going through or what you have been through, if something is bothering you then it's a problem and you have every right to post here and recieve support. :hug: Yep, you can post the letter here if you'd like to. Sometimes we can get through to people better with letters than face to face because more than often, we either mess our words up or don't get the words out in the first place! :(

    Feel free to PM me anytime you'd like to.
  11. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I got a lot of time before my next class, should start working on the letter to send to my psychologist before I meet him this Friday.

    Seriously, I am a very messed up person, very different and inferior to everyone. I don't belong, I'm not fit to live, I can't imagine living for many more years before I die of natural causes, I just can't.
    I don't think anyone can imagine how pathetic I am, sometimes neither can I.
    It pains me that I'm on such a wrong path and its just too hard to change and turn my life into a better direction, why was I put on the wrong path in the first place!?

    My dad for example was born extremely poor in a rural village and his dad died when he was only 12 and his mom only had a 4th grade education. But he tried hard and went to a good university and managed to come here to the U.S and become far more sucessful than his siblings and whatnot.

    But his eldest son is becoming a complete loser and failure, its ironic for him to have succeded in spite of so many odds but that his son is such a fucking failure with all the things I've had that he could only dream about as a child.
    Why have I only spent my life alone, playing videogames, being on the computer, watching TV? I know that I was normal until I turned 10, I wish I could have died right then.

    Why am I the only one in university with no friends? All I do is go to class, eat, sleep and study, I already feel dead. Everyone else is so fucking happy, I hate seeing everyone around me with friends, girlfriends, etc. I just want to die. I have so many years ahead of me but I missed the critical stages of development and will be a messed up person for the rest of my life, I HAVE to commit suicide, I HAVE to. sigh...............:sad: :sad: :sad:

    I'm the only one in my family to even see a psychologist, the only one to be depressed and thinking about suicide. I'm the only one thats a loser, a freak, a failure, I have to commit suicide. And look, I've already given up all hope already, I'm already thinking of suicide at a young age, why me God, why me??? Why did I have to turn out this way? My life is so empty, haven't have friends for a long time, no hobbies, interests, nothing. I am not worthy of life. I feel that I am the most deserving of suicide. I still can't beleive the people my age that have commited suicide with the perfect lifes they had, all the ones that loved them. At least I have a good reason to commit suicide or do I?

    I hope I can keep getting advice from you guys, your mostly all I have in this cold, cold world which I don't belong.
    I feel that I am destined to commit suicide, I really should, there is nobody in the world as pathetic and screwed up as me, when I was a kid, I never could have imagined I'd be a big of a loser as I am now. Why should I keep living?
    Actually, I want to live, I'm afraid of what happens after you die for one thing, but how can I live as being so inferior and messed up? I may be 19, but I'm retarded and have the maturity of a child but the intelligence of a 19 year old, its so messed up I tell you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 2, 2006
  12. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    guy i totally hear ya. although i can't totally relate cause when i was your age first off i wasn't even in college you are one up on me there. but i was such a party head i had friends everywhere, but it is like i told u my life has radically changed i have no one. let's stay in touch so we can at least each have someone. would that be cool with u? i know you are not sure that u will write but i have faith that at sometime u just might. take care and we'll chat soon rhino
  13. nicesinging1

    nicesinging1 Well-Known Member

    Hi, Rahul. Sorry to hear you are feeling so depressed. As a person who survived severe depression and is still fighting through it, I can definitely relate to what u r feeling and going through. I just wish the Heaven had more sympathy for people like us.
    As for you wondering, "Why me?", that is a question I have been wondering million times in my life. I constantly pondered, "Why me? Why does it have to be me who has to endure severe depression and an addiction? Why can't I be like everyone else? I don't care about rich or fame. I just want to be like everyone else and I won't complain!"
    Sometimes, I was so depressed that I thought I must be seriously flawed to go through what I go through or my life must be cursed. The truth may never be known as us, humans can not understand why life works the way it works.
    But at the same time, there are also tons of people who r far less off than us, Rahul. You could have been born in Africa and be starving. You could have been born in abusive family and suffer emotional and physical abuse. You could have born gay and be ridiculed and persecuted. You could be diagnosed with leukimia at young age. You could be handicapped and live on wheelchair for the rest of ur life.
    Sadly, that is how life is. People who are unfortunate have to endure such pains and live through that. I don't know why I am the way I am. I don't know why I am a person with severe depression and an addiction despite my efforts and tries. The truth into why they had to happen in my life may never be known. But till the day when my life is over, I will have to keep trying and find out what is in store for my life in the future.
    It really hurts emotionally and mentally as I write this because it brings all the bad memories from the past. But I hope my post can help u in keeping ur courage and spirit.
    Wish u the best.

  14. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Thanks nicesinging. Unlike last year, where I just stayed in my room and just went on the computer the whole time, at least this time, I'm working on my studies this time. I still dont know about socializing, making friends, going out, etc. I KNOW its the right thing to do but I don't know if I can do it.

    Right now as I type this, I am feeling very depressed, more depressed than usual, I really need some help and advice. I really hope people here can listen to me and help me out, I'm so scared, I keep thinking about suicide.

    I have to go and sleep soon because I have a huge headache, will come on later.

    I still feel that nobody listens to me and that I'm mostly ignored here. I really need a support group to turn to!!!! :sad:
  15. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    Heh, you're not the only one who grew up that way. But for some reason, people kept trying to talk to me. Funny, I'm losing my desire to socialize more and more every day--that's probably a bad thing.

    By the way, I'm undoubtably the worst person on these forums. So you're really not "the most deserving of suicide" as you put it. And most everyone is ignored here to some extent, as we all are somewhat absorbed in our own problems. I'm tired, maybe more later.
  16. pillowperson27

    pillowperson27 Active Member

    There is no one here suffering more than others. suffering is suffering. no-one good should deserve this. i try to socialize, but somehow my depression always get the best of me. people see through my fake mask. i never want to smile or laugh, i don't have confidence in the way i look. i too play games (i use ventrilo, another source for socializing) and watch tv and being miserable all day long, but i'm to the point where i just don't want to do anything, just sleep. i once asked for a facelift but my mother rejected it, i threaten with suicide, i even cried in front of her (i'm 21) still, rejection. luckily i tried to be strong and continued to live. i will ask again, and if i don't get any support on this matter, i think things will be very very bad for me, because its a serious problem i have and that causes most of my depressions. some advice, go to school and socialize more with your classmates. good luck to you and take care.
  17. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure if the "There is no one here suffering more than others" comment was directed at me. I simply meant I am the worst person morally speaking, not that I am in any way suffering more than anyone else.
  18. I know exactly what you are going through, I'm 25, no longer in school, still living with my parents, no friends, never had a gf, never went on a date or to a dance. I feel like a complete waste, my family mostly treats me as an afterthought.
  19. pillowperson27

    pillowperson27 Active Member

    Girlfriends aren't all that. You have to accept the fact that you will be hurt someday... I'm not saying all relationships are like that.. but accept the fact that your girlfriend will cheat on you or leave you one day. and if you can't bear the pain, don't get depressed over being single, it's not worth it. i don't know if i believe in wives, relationships anymore... seems to me the world doesn't not revolve around a happy fairytale ending, but an ending where relationships are only temporary for the relief of sexual tension, and back to nothingness.
  20. Avenger

    Avenger Guest

    My biggest problem with meeting people and socialising is that i'm a non drinker in a town of alcoholics. When every girl asks you 'why don't you drink?', it gets hard to hold a conversation for long.
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