I can't believe I did this, and I can't get over it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PMel, Apr 5, 2010.

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  1. PMel

    PMel New Member

    I'm a seventeen year old boy. I was sixteen when this happened six or seven weeks ago. I'm heavily into BDSM and suffer from depression as well as OCD. BDSM is a sexual fetish that involves being bossed around, or bossing people around, whips, et cetera. Domination. I like to be dominated. So I go on this site and lie about my age, because I'm so lonely, and do stuff for dominatrices on webcam. Yeah, and I know nothing about them. I just do it because I'm depressed. I stopped doing it so often, though, after this. This one dominatrix told me to go get a pair of my mother's underwear and put them in my mouth. For some reason I didn't think this was a big deal. I didn't really want to do it, but I was like "Screw it I'm going to do it anyway." My mom was in her room, so instead of getting hers I went into my older sister's room and took hers. Then I put them in my mouth. It was almost like a self-destructive act. Anyway, I can't go back in time. I have no effing idea why I did this, but now I want to die. I've struggled through the past few months.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think it is time to talk to a professional just to get help for the distructive thoughts to help you get rid of the pain inside. talk to a councillor about your thoughts okay of suicide and get help to heal. You are so young don't take this distructive path okay reach out and get help for you. talk to your doctor get therapy to help you heal.
  3. empty101

    empty101 Well-Known Member

    I think it's really important you try to discover whether this BDSM stuff is hurting you in the big picture. All the bad things that go along with it, and all the good things. Consider them and decide whether you want to continue doing it, change the way you do it or stop doing it.

    Kink is a sexual adventure for some people, for other it's not. If this behavior is similar to self-harm, then I would certainly suggest you to stop it. Those dominatrix girls might not understand exactly what they are doing to you. Just like anything, I'm sure there are good and intelligent people that do it, and I'm also sure that there are people who are the opposite doing it.

    Don't beat yourself up over it. You were in a hole, lonely, depressed and did something that you regretted. It's just a piece of cloth and one else was harmed over it.
  4. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I doubt you could find a person here, or anyplace else, that has not done something that they really regretted, and wish they could undo. We make mistakes, because we are human, and to never make a mistake, would make us less so.

    And it's not unusual to do things we don't want to do to please others, when we are lonely. Please do get some counselling, to help you come to a place where you can see how uniquely you were created (hey, only one you in all of history!). Forgive yourself for anything that is in the past, and find things that make you feel good about yourself. We all go through lonely times, but they don't last forever. There will be special people in your life in times to come. Hold on for those times.

    Best wishes!
  5. PMel

    PMel New Member

    I don't know what to do...
  6. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    Hey, there is nothing wrong with you or bad about you, ok? I did bdsm in the past, and regretted some things I did. I chose to stop it for me because it was about self harm for me and perpetuating the abuse I suffered as a child. I don't know if this is true for you or not. Only you can decide that. What I do know, is that what you did does not equal dying ok? It wasn't the best idea and it made you feel horrible, but it did not hurt anybody. You did nothing wrong. Please take care. I have been where you are, and now I am 37 years old. It does get better, promise.
  7. PMel

    PMel New Member

    I feel like what I did was incest. Or on the same level as rape. Someone actually told me it was like rape.
  8. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    It is neither rape nor incest. It was only clothing, nothing more than fabric. It did not harm your sister, and I'm guessing that you haven't told her, so it has not affected her. When I was a kid, I trained the dog to grab my brother's underwear off the floor, and run outside with it. Nothing sexual, just harassing my brother........ ; )

    Whoever is telling you that is not helping you. I think you need to find more people in your life that are positive and helpful. I don't know why you seek out people who would dominate you, but can you find people that you have a positive equal friendship with? You need people who will lift you up.
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