I can't believe I did this.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 13acresofhell, Nov 24, 2007.

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  1. 13acresofhell

    13acresofhell Member

    I totally ruined someone’s day for no reason that was apparent to her. I was talking with a friend and she was holding a gift that she was going to give to me but the conversation moved to a topic that was making me recall strong memories. We were talking about ordinary objects but they were objects that were used in my multiple rapes and torture of which she knows nothing about. I tried to politely change the conversation several times but I couldn't and the pain I was feeling started to make me nauseous. I was literally shaking trying to hold it together but I couldn't. I finally yelled and ripped the gift out of her hands and smashed it on the floor. I quickly left and threw up when I was out of sight.

    I can't believe I did that, I feel like such a jerk. She was just trying to do something nice for me and I ruined it. I have a reputation as a very level headed guy which made the outburst even more shocking. I just want to die. I was considering ending my life and this has me convinced that this is the correct course of action. I feel so ashamed; I want it all to end. I tried cutting myself some more but not even that is helping now. I want the lies, the anguish, the shame and the memory to be gone in one stroke.
  2. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    I would hug you, but I'm not sure how open you are to being touched, even virtually, right now.

    You're not a bad person. While I've never been raped, I can completely understand why you did what you did. Maybe your friend can't, but I think that she may later on. If you want to tell her, that is.

    Please don't harm yourself. Talk to me, talk to a close friend or confident, talk to one of us at SF. My PM box is open- I'll listen.

    Take care sweetie. You'll be in my thoughts tonight.
  3. 13acresofhell

    13acresofhell Member

    Thank you for reading and replying, it means a lot to me. If anyone found out what happened to me that would fast track my suicide. I'm trying very hard to put forth a cheerful attitude, but failed miserably as described above. I'm still crying about the pain I caused her, and I'm not a person who cries easily. I hate to be selfish and I'm always giving to others, but I don't know how long I can maintain it. So thank you for the virtual hug, I needed that.
  4. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    maybe you need to actually talk to someone and tell them about what happened....trying to keep all stuffed down inside will not work....it will eat away at you and pop back to the surface when you least expect it....you need some form of counselling IMO just to get all this out of your system in a safe and confidential environment.

    It wont be easy at all but I'm sure it would help in the long run.

    There are lots of different ways of receiving counselling....you can have it via email, telephone or face-to-face.....might be worth doing a bit of research to see what is best for you....maybe you could talk to your doctor about? Only if you feel comfortable doing that though. I'm sure there are support groups especially for people who have been through what you have so ight be worth getting in touch with them too.

    Remember, what happened is not your fault and you do not need to carry this burden alone.

    Feel free to pm me :) I will need to be getting to bed soon though so if I dont reply, I'm not ignoring you...I'm just asleep!

  5. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel. I am always giving to others, but when I want help myself I feel selfish. I feel guilty.

    I know how it kills you to pretend- I've been in your shoes, I essentially am in your shoes but I'm in an upswing right now. I think, though, that when the time comes, you will be able to tell someone. And it would not fast track you to suicide.

    But I reiterate: Please don't hurt yourself. And you are allowed to cry. It will make you feel better afterwards. But: *wipe tears away*

    You're welcome for the hug. So here's another. :hug:

    Hold on tight, hun. This will pass.
  6. lemonyjuice

    lemonyjuice Member

    I understand how it feels to be guilty when your feelings and emotions are causing pain to others. I've never been raped, but I have been molested, so I can empathize to some degree on that. The way I felt was like something had been taken from me and no matter how I tried I couldn't replace it. I felt like if I was upset around others, I would be taking something from them in order to fill my own void and I didn't want to do that.

    I don't know the answer, but I know that it isn't in self-mutilation. I've been down that road, too, and it led to nothing. I'm sorry I can't be more help, I would just like to tell you that you're not a bad person and there are lots of people on here who will support you.
  7. 13acresofhell

    13acresofhell Member

    Thanks everyone for all the kind words and support. It helped me move just a little bit above rock bottom. That's a lot considering what a mess I was. I hope I can rise above what happened, at least enough for me to be able to talk about it with out falling apart.
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