I totally ruined someone’s day for no reason that was apparent to her. I was talking with a friend and she was holding a gift that she was going to give to me but the conversation moved to a topic that was making me recall strong memories. We were talking about ordinary objects but they were objects that were used in my multiple rapes and torture of which she knows nothing about. I tried to politely change the conversation several times but I couldn't and the pain I was feeling started to make me nauseous. I was literally shaking trying to hold it together but I couldn't. I finally yelled and ripped the gift out of her hands and smashed it on the floor. I quickly left and threw up when I was out of sight. I can't believe I did that, I feel like such a jerk. She was just trying to do something nice for me and I ruined it. I have a reputation as a very level headed guy which made the outburst even more shocking. I just want to die. I was considering ending my life and this has me convinced that this is the correct course of action. I feel so ashamed; I want it all to end. I tried cutting myself some more but not even that is helping now. I want the lies, the anguish, the shame and the memory to be gone in one stroke.