I cant believe Im back here...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by iainjustiain, Jan 16, 2015.

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  1. iainjustiain

    iainjustiain Member

    So I thought that all of this suicidal stuff was behind me. But no. I got a call from work yesterday telling me that I am going to be retrenched. All of the old thoughts came flooding back. All of the ideas about how and when and why it would be better for everyone if I just wasnt here anymore.
    I didnt sleep last night at all. Im flat out buggered. Everytime I try and close my eyes the thoughts creep back.

    I just wish everything would stop.

    I prayed and prayed for God to just kill me. But of course thats no good.

    Im in pain. Shaking. Tired.

    What should I do?
  2. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    Take deep breaths and hang out here for a while.
  3. iainjustiain

    iainjustiain Member

    thanks for the advice.
    Im afraid that Im just back at square one.
    I had a significant crisis about 3 years ago. I attempted. Then 6 months after that I attempted again. I was in the psych ward on both occasions. Ended up on meds... I finally thought I had sorted my life out and that all of the suicidal stuff was behind me. But no. ...One phone call and I am right back where I was. All of the old emotions have flooded back. My heart is thumping. I can taste this sour taste. I havent slept. I know I should. But just cant. And I spent the better part of last night praying that I could just die. It would be so much easier. I really dont know what I should do.
    Ive cried.
    Ive prayed.
    Ive become a vegetable.
    But all for nothing.
    I really wish I had the courage to just...end it all
  4. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    These feelings came back because you're out of a job? Then tell yourself the feelings will go away when you find another one. This is just temporary.
  5. iainjustiain

    iainjustiain Member

    I appreciate the thought.
    Im not out of the job yet, but I have some very serious things ahead of me. And I really dont think I have the strength to go through this range of emotions again
  6. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I really don't have smart advice to give you, other than, please keep using the forum for support and people he will listen.

    I get the feeling you are not keen on winding up on the psych wards again (I was also committed years ago), and I know that fear. With that said, calling a hot-line might night be a bad idea if things get to be too much to handle.

    I really hope you find a way to cope.

    Again, sorry I was not more of a help to you. Hopefully others will offer their support, too.
  7. iainjustiain

    iainjustiain Member

    Sorry to have been away for a bit there. Had to pick up my daughter.
    I appreciate you listening to my rant.
    I guess Im just going to use this space and this time to rant about the injustice of it all.
    My problem is that as soon as one thing goes wrong I start to see catastrophe everywhere.
    Right now Im stuck in this loop that sees me and my family out on the street destitute.
    I just cant get past these thougths.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    I am really sorry for the difficult stuff you are going through right now but I know you know deep down in your heart that suicide is not the way to fix what's happening!

    A lot of people who suffer with severe depression often relapse, it does not mean you have failed in anything, it's just a relapse and you can overcome this. Consider talking here to people who care your first step :)

    Rant/talk/vent...do whatever you have to do in order to get well again,

    I wish you the best of luck!!
  9. iainjustiain

    iainjustiain Member

    Thank you for the thoughts. Im going to try to sleep. Hopefuly it will come to me tonight. Not like last night
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I hope you were able to get some sleep. Try to take things one day at a time, and one step at a time. It sounds like what's happening is triggering the negative thoughts and emotions for you, but try to remind yourself that just because one bad thing happens, doesn't mean there will be a catastrophe. Here to listen if you need to talk.
  11. iainjustiain

    iainjustiain Member

    I slept last night. An exhausted sort of sleep. Awoke this morning very disappointed that Im still here. I pray that God will intervene and just put me out of my misery. But I guess my prayers are unanswered.
    The catastrophic thinking continues. I just cant seem to break the cycle. And I know that many of the catastrophic thoughts are irrational, but that doesnt stop them at the time. And it doesnt stop me feeling this anxiety.
    Ive worked for this government agency for 23 years. for the last couple of years Ive had conflict with my supervisor....probably my fault...same as anything. The upshot was that she made my position disappear. So the government department now has a responsibility to find me another similar position. But because there are a number of us in the same situation (employed permanently but no position), the government department has decided to make us redundant. This is where the phone call on Friday comes into it.
    Logic tells me that it will all work out. But emotionally all I can see right now is this path to unemployment and financial ruin.
    I blame myself for this situation. And I blame my self for dragging my kids into this.

    I believe they would be much better off without a messed up father like me.

    And the thoughts just go round and round. The pain I feel is real.

    Last night I was in a bad enough state to talk to a suicide prevention line. Made a promise. But I dont know if I can keep that promise.

    Ending my messed up life just feels like the right thing to do.

    Im sorry.
  12. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Just wondering, you mentioned that happened twice before and ended up on meds to get it sorted out. Maybe worth questioning if ever going off meds was a good plan if the reactions to adverse news is this damaging? That is the point of meds - to control the huge over reactions that some of us have to things when things do not go right, and things not going right on occasion is just life- will always occur some things do not go well. Even if choose to go off meds, I would say it is worth remembering that with meds you were able to get your reactions back to more controllable and less panicked before, so before deciding anything or doing something that lands you in a psyche ward and truly at square one again, look at what the steps you used to recover were before and start those before it spirals completely out of control. It really is awful when you feel like you do right now, just remember you know from experience how to get it back to controllable feelings.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  13. iainjustiain

    iainjustiain Member

    I hear what youre saying about the meds. My GP and I had a long talk about this. I was on two pills a day. He and I discussed and agreed to come of the day time pill. This was a long slow process. And it meant that for quite a time my emotions sat just below the surface. Anyway, I have been properly weened off the daytime meds for some time, and hope that I dont have to go back on them again. They feel like a crutch.
    However, that being said, Im going to nut through this next week or so. Wait for my partner to come home from Ireland and then see where we intend going. If we agree to go back on meds then I will.
    I am also mindful that at some point I have to go back to my GP and have another conversation with him.
    I guess Im not looking forward to relapsing right back to where I was 3 or more years ago.
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