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I can't believe this all happened.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by dignitymydear, Dec 2, 2012.

  1. dignitymydear

    dignitymydear New Member

    When I was in the 8th grade, my best friend committed suicide. She hung herself. The girl who taught me how to throw a softball, tie my shoes, put on makeup... hung herself. She's dead. And I will never forget how plump her face was from preservatives, how cakey and make-up covered her skin was, and how I never cried at her funeral.
    When I was 16 my parents moved across the country for work leaving my 18 year old sister and I in Arizona to finish the school year. Before we moved, I got in a fight with my sister and went out for the night ending up at a random group of guys' apartment. I didn't know anyone there. One of them brought me into his room we played music, drank beer, laughed, talked about life, and then with the reasoning, "It's okay, I'm in love with someone else too, this doesn't mean anything, it's just fun." he raped me.
    I moved to the Middle East. One of my father's coworkers stalked and sexually assaulted me on a regular basis. I didn't want my family to be torn apart so I kept it to myself.
    My uncle died that same year. My father came up to me at my school one day and told me. At 30 years old, he had dropped dead from a rare heart condition. He was my best friend, and he died too.
    I became an 18 year old alcoholic with an affinity for promiscuity. It felt good to be wanted, to be desired, to pick out a random stranger and feel like I was in control of the situation. But I was never in control. I would end up in a public park, an alley way, a stair well, a stranger's house, always having to find a cab to take me home in the middle of the night when my parents were asleep and no one would recognize me.
    I went to college and was raped again at a party. He took pictures of me crying and showed them to his friends. I kept drinking. Drinking and screwing. Because it's the only thing I knew how to do. I didn't know how to make real friends. All my friends were drug addicts and alcoholics. But I met a guy who made me want to be better and I finally decided I was worth taking care of. He tried to be patient with me, but one day he kissed me without my permission and growled under his breath with pleasure. I got out of the car and walked 5 miles home by myself that night and I never talked to him again. I know he's probably a good person but the thought of him disgusts me. He violated me too.
    But I kept making progress. I saw a counselor, started taking medication to deal with my intense anxiety. I spent the summer working out, going to art shows, seeing movies, laughing, not drinking and not having sex.
    Then I came back to school and that all disappeared. I was managing to hold it together, I had had a couple encounters with drugs and alcohol, but nothing I wasn't in control of, until the Monday before thanksgiving.
    One of my close friends had been shot and killed and a protest. He's dead now. He's dead now and I can't think of anything else except all the pain. I can't come to terms with the fact that he's gone. He's gone and he's not coming back and I keep trying to say that to myself to come to terms with the fact that this is real but instead I just carry those words around everyday when I'm walking to class, when I'm at lunch with friends. It's driving me crazy. I was so angry but now I'm just lost.
    Maybe this was the straw that broke the camel's back. It seems that this loss was just more than I could take. I'm just so broken, and I'm so hurt, and I'm so alone. My friends are tiptoeing around me, I'm keeping secrets from them, and I'm getting paranoid- I feel like everyone knows what I'm doing- the drugs, the drinking. Now that I'm coping with the assaults, I'm too scared of physical contact to have anything sexual happen, but I feel like I'm throwing everything away. I got so drunk Friday night that I lost my purse at a bar. I couldn't call my friends, get home, or eat.
    I am such a wreck. I don't know if I can deal with all of this anymore. I know I've been dealing with it, but I'm just so hurt and so tired.
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Patricia, and welcome to SF honey :) We are a community of souls that care for each other and it's a wonderful place to write stuff out when we can keep it inside no longer. WOW, you certainly have been through a lot, and it's understandable that you are feeling this way.

    It's wonderful that you have people in your life, despite the fact they are tip-toeing.... just ask them just to be there for you while you get yourself in a better place, and let them know that you value their support. Hopefully, on here you will find the stories of others who have insights to share and some of them may ring bells for you. I'd recommend that you make your self your first priority as regards feeling better, try to step back from action that you know has not been helpful in the past, even though it was a "norm" (that's probably why it feels like you're throwing stuff away)....... and start to dream about making a life for yourself that contains positivity, happy encounters etc. to lift your spirits. Is it possible to access any counselling to help you through the grief of losing the people who were so dear to you honey? We're not meant to carry these burdens by ourselves, when there is help to be found :pinkrose:
  3. dignitymydear

    dignitymydear New Member

    thanks for replying. :)
    i know if i can make it through this week, i can start focusing on positivity again. this is my last week of classes before we start studying for term exams, and i just need to motivate myself through this and then I'll go home and I know I'll be okay. But last week I only went to class on Monday. I couldn't do it any other day. And I didn't care. I only feel like I'm messing things up when I realize that tomorrow I need to go back. I need to face my professors, and my classmates, and somehow pretend like everything is okay. I just don't know if I can do that. And my friends will try to be there for me, but I feel so guilty about having them carry me through all of this. They didn't sign up to babysit this total wreck of a person. I know they respect my supposed "strength", but when I have none left, I feel like I'm just being a burden on everyone else.
    You're religious? I was raised Catholic. I've been wanting to go back to church to try and find support, but I don't know if I can. I feel like everyone will judge me, especially when they find out why I'm really there- because I'm a drug using, alcoholic, skank who can't seem to get a grasp on her life. I mean really, who wants to be around someone like this?
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    HEY!!! I DO!!!! LOL!! :)

    i MEAN that ....... "Religion" gets a bad rap, because of the judgemental people in it, I know -....(long story)....... but the trick is to not confuse the people with either God or his message, ..... I learned that the hard way honey - and am here for support in your decision. The danger I know is in making yourself vulnerable - which is part of reaching out that is what happens - and then being disappointed with the lack of response or negative messages. But, honestly, if/when that happens, it is not God - He never, ever abandons us even in our darkest times or our greatest stuff ups. Otherwise, if he had abandoned me 15 years ago, I would not be here today doing this....

    Don't feel bad about asking your friends to be there for you - that is what friends are for, and explain that it's only going to be temporary and that you value them..... being able to talk about your feelings with them is a great plus for you, and so essential.

    Jesus never "judged" those who needed Him the most, and knew their need of Him....... all power to you honey, you can do this!! :pinkrose:
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    was rasied catholic too but couldn't take a lot of the hypocrisy and inconsistencies that i was supposed to blindly accept - i think a relationship with god is to personal to be forced into any particular set of rituals

    just try to take things a day at a time - even an hour or minute at a time if you have to - that's what i've been doing for a long, long time now - isn't always easy or pain-free but it's how i've managed to hold on so far

    good luck with your exams