I can't carry on like this...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Gemma, Jun 28, 2007.

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  1. Gemma

    Gemma Member

    Ok, I don't know where to start. I've been thinking of ending my life for years now. My first suicidal feelings came when I was only 10 because of bullying at school. That kept happening over and over again throughout my life up until now.

    Three years ago I was diagnosed with depression, and more recently social anxiety. Now I think about it my life is pretty pointless. I have no social life, not really. I have few good friends... most of them end up abandoning me, whether it be because I hurt them, they hurt me, or they just got sick of me. I quit school because I couldn't handle it, my panic attacks and my depression got too much to cope with... I've attemped suicide once and failed miserably. I used to have a panic attack every time I walked out of the house, although thankfully my anxiety has been improving a little bit recently, in fact, even my depression was getting better... but now it's all come crashing down because of my relationship with my boyfriend breaking up.

    We met about 9 months ago - he actually saved me from suicide then, and we started to get close. We fell in love, and things were great up until last Saturday when I screwed up big time... he also suffers from depression, he has done for the last 20 years (yes, he's a lot older than me. I'm 17, he's 31). He has had a paranoid moment like this before, but he managed to get over it. This time he just can't... I've really hurt him.

    It all started Saturday evening, we went out with some of his mates to this bar/club. I had been drinking quite a bit by that point, and after the first half hour, I left my boyfriend talking with his mates and went off to socialise with some other people (that's not something I would EVER dream of doing were I sober due to the social anxiety. To be honest I think that's why I drink so much when I'm out, to calm my nerves). I started dancing with some guys, there were about five and I danced a bit with each of them. My boyfriend had now stopped talking to his mates and was watching me, he was getting paranoid that I was going to cheat on him with one of them. He seemed to think that because I was 'flirting' with these guys it means that I don't love him...

    Maybe I was flirting, I guess that's just me, maybe I'm naturally a flirtatious person. I love my (ex) boyfriend more than anything in the world, I would do anything for him. I didn't mean to hurt him, I didn't even realise it would hurt him. I didn't even realise I was doing it!! Maybe I'm a bad person... maybe I have a twisted sense of what's right and what's wrong... I honestly don't know anymore.

    We had a big argument on Sunday morning... we spent the whole next two days taking, hugging and crying. I was desperately trying to make him see that I loved him and that if he'd give me another chance I promise that I'd never do anything like that again. He said that he can't cope with getting hurt like that again, he loves me so much but now he realises that he can't handle being in a relationship, he can't handle loving anyone. When I took the train home on Monday evening, my train was just about to leave as we entered the station... I didn't even get to hug him goodbye... and now I might never see him again :(

    The next day I was just not at all sure where I stood in our relationship, or whether we even had a relationship. He said he'd try and get over this but he doesn't know if he can... Then yesterday morning I got a phonecall from him telling me it was over. He couldn't take it anymore. He was hurting so much, he's been drinking heavily for the last few days, and he even resorted to self harm because of how he was feeling... I can't believe he did that because of ME. I feel so awful! He doesn't even believe that I love him now! I kept telling him that I was sorry and that I LOVE him and need him so much, but nothing was getting through... I NEED him to know that I love him this much but I don't know how I can prove it to him :(

    This afternoon he sent me an email. We planned on staying friends but now he says he can't contact me anymore. The only way he can get over this and stop hurting is to stop loving me... and the only way he can do that is to stop talking to me, thinking about me, writing to me, or having anything to do with me.

    I just don't know what to think - is he just making a rash decision because he's upset? Maybe things will be ok? Maybe he's just in a really bad state of mind right now and he'll get through it and see that actually, I DO love him?? I don't know if I can handle him not being in my life... actually I do know, I know that I CAN'T!! He means everything to me. He was my reason to live and now he's gone... Now I have nothing. I'm nothing... I can't take it, I can't carry on like this :(

    Sorry to anyone who's reading this, I've just realised how much I've written here. I'm not even sure if any of this is even vaguely coherent...
  2. Xalcro

    Xalcro Well-Known Member

    ... I feel, really sorry for you...

    I'm sorry, I really don't know how much help I can be here. I can only begin to imagine what your position is like, how you must be feeling. I'm not sure what I would do, because the fact that, it could be so real and... damn, sorry.

    I'm really not sure what to say. Relationships like this are always a delicate balance between love and pain. Swaying either side would... but I don't know. I have little experience of this.

    I can only offer you the slightest comfort, maybe, I really do care about the outcome of this. Please keep me (us) updated, don't stop posting. You need to be strong, I believe you can get through this. I know you really love him, it is clear... I don't think you should let your relationship die. Please, keep talking to him, just try... try to stay calm, stay strong, but let your emotion show, let him hear your love for him through every word you speak.

    Good luck, okay? I'm sorry I couldn't offer any more. Please keep trying, I'm praying for you to be happy. Don't give up. Promise, always, never give up.
  3. Gemma

    Gemma Member

    Thanks for your reply Xalcro. It means a lot...

    I am trying, but a part of me maybe thinks that it's best for him if we're apart. If it's hurting him so much to even speak to me, then maybe he truly can't be with me. There's a saying which goes something along the lines of "If you love someone, then you'll let them go". Maybe this is an example of a situation to which that saying applies.

    Having said that I DON'T want to let him go... but maybe I'm being selfish for thinking that?
  4. Xalcro

    Xalcro Well-Known Member

    Sorry for the delay, was away for awhile...

    Heh, well, as I said, I'm only an inexperienced minor. I don't know the exact details of your case, but... it sounds so similar to my own, or at least what could become.

    I know if I were in that position I would never let go of the person I love. But again, I know that's extremely selfish too. I guess if I was totally certain that he would lead a happy life, away from me, I would give all I had. But happy, a definite, happy life, for the rest of his days, not just happier. I would pursue, and yeah, I would attempt to satisfy my own selfish needs, but my belief is that we still could share that dream of ours, as opposed to being devoured in our own misery, of being apart.

    That's just a brief... well, I don't know really. That is what I would do, but this isn't advice, and I'm not suggesting you should follow it.

    I can understand why he is hurt... seeing his girlfriend, the love of his life, dancing with how many other guys? I'm sorry, I am not trying to drop guilt bombs on you, but I'm merely bringing you round to see his position. What you need to do is calm a little, think clearly, and figure out how to solve this. I know it's difficult, but try, try. Believe in your love... anything can happen with love.

    Maybe you could wait a bit, but waiting is dangerous, sometimes the pain fades, but sometimes it increases. I'm not sure what exactly would happen, I haven't really been on the receiving end... I suggest you could possibly sit back, but in some way let him know that you're still here, you still love him. Write him a letter? Short emails? Perhaps emails should wait, as with calls. But find some way to show him...

    Heh, yeah, I have heard that saying. But, certain sayings only apply in certain cases. I think this one is only valid when the person who is to be let go of is definitely happy, and your presence would only worsen their life. That's when, if you really love someone, you should let go. Like if a parent, loves their child, but the child has gone and sought a different love elsewhere, the parent should... could, I don't know which, let go, so the child can enjoy his/her new life, even if the parent has to suffer a heartbreak.

    Lousy example, but whatever.

    Here if you wanna talk, sorry I can't offer any more decent advice.
  5. Gemma

    Gemma Member

    I have looked at the situation from his point of view... God, if it had been the other way round I know I'd have been upset. I wouldn't have left him, but I'd be upset. I'm inconsiderate of my actions far too often and I hate myself for it... I've hurt too many people that I care about :( I had been drinking a lot of alcohol that night too, which I'm certain contributed to the problem. If I hadn't been drinking, none of this would have happened. end of... but I only have myself to blame, after all, it was MY decision to drink, no one forced me to!

    I sent him an email earlier, trying to remind him of all the wonderful moments in our relationship, telling him why I love him and how special he is to me. I practically begged him to stay in touch, even if it's just an email every now and then to let me know he's ok... even if he can't bear to see me for a while I still need to know that he's alive and coping with things...

    Thanks again for your advice, it means a lot!
  6. Xalcro

    Xalcro Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel...

    It's difficult... I guess the reason he would leave you is just because he hurts too much, too much paranoia. It's really difficult to know how to deal with it, because insistent emails may be... well, I don't know, it's your choice of course, and I don't know your situation...

    I just feel... what you really need to do is act calmly. Don't be rash, don't act on impulse, preserving a relationship takes so much effort and care.

    It's okay, you acknowledged your mistake, don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure your boyfriend forgives you for drinking... he is just hurt. Of course your own sense of self would probably prevent you from drinking in the future, but whatever, it's not really important. Forget about the cause, the faults, what's important now is to open both of you two's eyes and hearts.

    As I said before, do it calmly and considerately. Try to find the options. You could solve this and get back together, or you can get on with each your own lives. Doing nothing is definitely not a good idea; you will both be in pain, and slowly dragged down with grief. But listen, getting on with your own lives may not be the end of the world. It would be tough to get over, but you still both have the chance to find someone to love.

    Just keep trying, and you need to talk to him, see what he thinks. Maybe not immediately, give him a bit of time, but to just simply cut each other off... He told you he had to stop loving you, ask him about it. If that's really what he wants. If you love him, your main concern would be his happiness. He could find another woman, and you another guy, and you two will always remain in touch, as friends.

    It's still to early to say. Just go with the flow, do what you can, but don't push yourself too hard.
  7. Such a shame i would be totally flattered to be with someone that thinks so much of me like you do of him. Maybe it's because he met you when you was depressed and lacking confidence that you were more suitable for him then, but then during the relationship you started to become more out going and your moving out of his comfort zone were he feels more secure when your on his level. Shame you both can't move on and up together, but i think your moving and he is still were he started.
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2007
  8. Gemma

    Gemma Member

    I never thought of that, but perhaps you're right... I think I have become slightly more outgoing in the last few months - as I said, my anxiety has improved (that's possibly down to the medication). I don't know, he said something about he "fucked up in his assessment of our relationship", that maybe we "were'nt as connected as we thought we were"... maybe that's the reason why he felt that.

    Either way, I still that that's a load of crap - we DO have a connection, I know it! One stupid mistake doesn't automatically destroy every feeling that was there before, does it now?!

    To be fair on him, the most recent months he was with me, he was getting better too. Maybe he's just having a bad moment, and he'll come through it and realise that it was just his depression making him think all these bad things about our relationship... who knows?? If not, then I'm fucked...

    oops, now I've started rambling again... sorry!
  9. True! Maybe he's just dwelling on it for now but i bet he's missing you loads tho, well he should. Who knows all this just may bring you closer together, but yes could just be that one mistake that knocked you off course.
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