I can't cope anymore

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by shazzer, Sep 1, 2008.

  1. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    I'm sat here crying I just so want to die and have pills and want to take the lot. I don't want to live this life but I can't bloody kill myself as my mum needs me and I'm so angry and I don't know how long I can hang on the pressures getting too much. I'm not angry with my mum its not her fault she's ill I'm angry at the illness thats taking over her body. God I sometimes wish it was me. I can't do this anymore I just want to scream I just can't stop crying
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    No one says you need to stop crying hun. It helps get so much stuff out. But instead of crying alone, I have a huge shoulder that could use someone resting on it. Drop me a line shazz and get some of that stuff out.
     
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering so much Sharon. Your mom needs you, because she may not have too much time left. Stay with her as long as you can hun. Just be strong. :hug:
     
  4. Ozibuna

    Ozibuna Well-Known Member

    So scream. Lock yourself in a room and scream your lungs out. If that will help of course. Some of the people here have found a way out of such situations, why not take a look at different posts and ask around, it'll sure be very very usefull for you.
     
  5. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    Itmahanh Thanks hun I wish I could stop crying the tears keep flowing. I am just so scared to start letting stuff out as I know once I start I won't be able to stop and I don't want to bother you you have your own stuff going on and also with this bloody illness. I am so angry at the mo just want to punch walls and destroy myself as I have had enough of it all. You are very caring and supportive to everyone on here. How are you doing yourself :hug:
     
  6. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    Dave Long time no speak I hope you are doing ok. I am trying to stick around I keep saying to myself I won't kill mself while she's still here, but I don't think I can do that. It gets harder and harder each day and the urge to die gets stronger staying alive is pointless :hug:
     
  7. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    Ozibuna Thanks although I don't think screaming would make me feel any better at the mo don't think anything will right now. I have no control over whats going on and I bloody can't stand it
     
  8. X-Vendetta

    X-Vendetta Member

    Shazzer... I'd love to chat... I know the feeling... I really do. :sad:
     
  9. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    I don't think I can hold on much longer I try to put nothing helps the only thing to do is die I must die death is my only answer
     
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Im here if you need to talk :arms:
     
  11. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    I'm still here struggling big time with the thoughts in my head. I'm sure people are talking about me behind my back and I know they want me to die just like everyone does. You all want me to die. Please someone put me out of my misery once and for all I'm no good to noone. My head is just so messed up right now I'm trying to be strong for my mum but it just gets harder by the day. She's got another scan next monday and I'm dreading the results I just can't stand it :thumbdown:cry::cry::cry:
     
  12. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    No one wants you to die sharon. We're here to help and we want you to be safe. Be strong for you and your mum. I hope that she's getting better. :hug:
     
  13. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    Thanks Dave Sadly my mum isn't getting any better she not been too well the last few weeks we're just waiting for the scan to see whats going on. I'm also at the hospital soon to see my kidney consultant to find out how things are going with that not loking forward to that either but nothing I can do. I just want it all over
     
  14. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    Ok my mum goes for her ct scan on monday then we have to wait bloody 16 days to get the results. How are you surposed to cope with that do they not realise you go to hell and back while your waiting. So much crap is going through my head already I've convinced myself that its going to be really bad news and that there going to say thats it we can't do anymore no more ops no more chemo go home and wait to die. Living this cancer life is shit I wouldn't wish it on anyone even my worst enemy it is hell. I know how this is going to end I watched my gran suffer with it and then lose her battle to this bloody illness. I wish they would find a cure for it or at least find drugs that work and get rid of it completely never to return. We had hope when she got into remission the first time but that was ripped away from us and now what who knows. I've no other family except my mum well thats not true I do have a family but they don't give a damm about me or my mum. Even my mums own sister can't be bothered to come and see her and she only lives a hours drive away. I am so so angry with her and the rest of them and I am so angry at cancer for what its done to her and is still doing :sad::sad::sad::blue::blue:
     
  15. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    My mum went for her scan this afternoon and now its wait wait bloody wait till the 1st Oct for the bloody fucking results. Why is it with this illness your always waiting for one thing or another its doing my bloody head in. I am so sick of putting on a brave face pretending I'm ok when I'm bloody not. I am so scared its like my hearts ripped out constantly. I sometimes think would it hurt this much if we were'nt close like me are now this illness brought us a lot closer and its going to tear us apart. This is a living hell and its been going on for 5 years now I should be used to it but how do you get used to watching your mum suffer so much when ou cn't do a bloody thing about it. I don't know how much more of this I can't take I want it over. My moods are going down and down didn't think they could get much lower but they can and I don't know how to stop them. My head is so messed up can't sleep can't eat to much stuff going round and round in my head. I just want to give up can't take much more or I'm really going to crack up
     
  16. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    Well I guess I'm talking to myself here. I feel so alone dealing with all this its not easy on top of the mental health issues I have. But just like in the real world my so called friends don't want to know and nobody wants to know here. I just don't know why I bother its pretty obvious I have no friends here so I should give up with the place. I guess if friends who know me don't wnat to know than why would anyone else
     
  17. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    You do have friends here Sharon and we do care about you hun. :hug:
     
  18. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    If I have friends on here Dave then I don't know who they are as it doesn't feel like I have. Sorry my head is so messed up at the moment. I'm sat here crying and I'm sick of bloody crying :hug:
     
  19. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    So I come on here for a bit to try and escape the thoughts in my head about my mums scan results next wednesday but end up feeling 100% worse. So people are suicidal do they really have to wish cancer on themselves it a fucking joke. Why don't you think for a seond before you post that crap. If you knew about cancer and what someone goes though when there diagnosed operations chemotherapy my mum ended up in intensive care after complications after one operation. Spent nearly a week on a ventilator not knowing if she would pull through or not, it came very close them wanting to switch off her ventilator and let her go. Was that it no the fucking cancer came back another major op which she could have died during. What do you think that was like saying goodbye not knowing if I would see her alive again. Then more chemo and now just waiting for the inevitable to happen. She will die of this like my gran my mums cousin and other family members that have gone down this road. We wait for the scan results which will either say things haven't deteriorated very much since the last one a few months or it will say as we suspect that it has spread further since she hasn't been too well lately. I've watched my mum go from been a strong woman to someone I don't know. She's still my mum but the cancer has completely changed her as a person.
    DO YOU STILL RECKON YOU WANT CANCER

    Live my fucking life for 5 mins and see the pain I go through everyday when I watch my mum suffer so much and there's nothing I can fucking do to make it better. Its not a fucking easy way out its a horrible way to die :mad::mad::mad:

    Thanks for making me feel worse than I did before hope your pleased with your work. I give up with this place and you call it a supportive place when you end up feeling worse cos I don't
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 24, 2008