I can't cope like this anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tess, Mar 22, 2009.

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  1. Tess

    Tess Member

    I am so close to the edge on this one. I do not know how to get over not being with the only person I love in the world. Every moment of my day presents me with the only two options, that is get him back or end my life for good. How can I cope with this agony for much longer, what are people supposed to do when they feel like this? My insides feel like they are slowly exploding, I can not get a hold on my breathing for more tha a few moments every day before it all comes flooding back and I remember that it is absolutely futile. I hate that I have allowed myself to become so dependant on somebody else, somebody who I can't stop pleading to be with me but to no avail, and the embarassment on its own above everything else is enough reason to end it. It is one panic attack after another. I spend all night on the computer, then I go to bed at about six in the morning and stay there till about seven in the evening and that is my life because I can't cope with not being able to see this person. I genuinely see myself as having no choice other than suicide if I can not see him again because my body can't stand this exhaustion much longer. I have alienated all my friends, my family think I am a freak for who I am and for spending so long and investing so much effort in this very unreliable person that I love. What do I do?
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Sorry no answers for you. But I read your post and just wanted you to know I hope things work out better for you really soon. A broken heart seems to shut down the whole body. But you can get past this. Maybe try taking some time for yourself and really think about this relationship. Is it maybe a little more one sided than it should be? For a true relationship both people have to want to be in it. If it is one more than the other, then that person will spend a lifetime always trying to keep the relationship alive. Is that something either of you want? Or is it possible to just be good friends and continue to look for that "soul mate" that is out there somewhere, waiting to be found. Please dont give up yet.
     
  3. Regenesis

    Regenesis Well-Known Member

    Is this your first boyfriend?
     
  4. Tess

    Tess Member

    Thankyou for your replies and you're right about the body shutting down from a broken heart. No this isn't my first boyfriend, but this is definitely the first person I have ever truely loved, although I thought I had been in love in the past. It's just been the worst and the best four years of my life and the problem is that he keeps telling me he loves me but the problem is that we are just so awful together it's best that we call it quits for good. The thing is this has happened so many times before but only ever for a few days and then he asks for us to get back together. There was one time about a year and a half ago though when he moved to another country asked me to come with him but I very stupidly and stubbornly didn't because we had been having problems, and he stayed out of the country for five month. Literally time stood still for me for those five months, it was just horrendous. Every day for all that time he badgered me to come and see him and I was hoping all the time he would come back, then approaching the five month mark I texted him and demanded that he come back or cease to contact me altogether and he got on a plane the next day. Things were amazing at first between us, the best they had ever been, but I think he resented that he had come back here to the country and place he hated all because of me. He basically thought I didn't appreciate that he had given up everything he loved to be with me in a place he hated. He always told me and tells me now that he loves me in spite of himself and that he wishes he had not met me because I came into his life just when he was realizing his dream and blames me for literally everything which goes wrong in his life and constantly comes back at me with the comment 'I only came back here for you in the first place,' ergo everything always transpires as being my fault. And now I haven't seen him for exactly a month. Though he was saying to me today that he has been contemplating meeting up with me but the thing which makes him think twice is that he knows when he sees me and we are together it will all go back to square one and he will want to be with me, even though we are practically terrible for eachother. He hasn't even seen my family once in two years becuase he is so ashamed of seeing my parents and thinks that I tell them about his behaviour when he gets into his rages. He is severely bi polar and I have had to hide in the house from him on many an occassion. The other main reason he said we have no future together is because of his insane jealousy, he literally cannot handle any attention I get from other men and tells me that he would prefer to have an ugly fuck for a girlfriend then have to contend with any attention I get. He seriously makes me feel like I have to watch how I am acting around his old age pensioner dad, like I am making a play for every man around, he's just fucking crazy! He knows this behaviour is wrong and irrational but still says I bring it out in him. But i don't know what to do when he keeps telling me that he loves me. The few women he was with before me he treated like utter shit and I appreciate that he has made as a big an effort as he could have made for me to alter and hide his personality. He is also twelve years older than me and always says I have more time to waste in a relationship than he does and that it's now or never in him sorting out his life. But he's not even sorting out his life anymore, he has turned into an absolute piss head since we split up, all he does is drink, drink, drink and tells me that he's given up with everything. He is the worst person for me to be with, we are so alike in all the wrong ways we just don't get anything done when we are togther, but we still love eachother immensely and I know that if he does agree to see me imminently it will be back to square one as per usual. It's the most unhealthy addictive, warped little relationship and I don't know how to step back from it. I feel like the world's greatest masochist being involved with this guy. I can't imagine being with someone who fascinates me more, and however much my mother is pissed off at him, she totally understands why I've been so fixated with him. In about four months time I have been given the opportunity to go and stay with a family member overseas, but I don't know if I can last till that point if I don't see him. And i know if we do keep seeing eachother than I won't want to leave in the first place and I will blame him for holding me back from getting out of here just like he always did with me. Sorry for the long rant, but haven't got anyone around me nowadays to rant to in person. In the last month I have made two attempts, both obviously failed and I just wish I would be sensible about this and not be so intent on losing my life if the only other alternative is not being with him. It's so black and white at the moment. I'm pathetic. Outside of this forum, nobody I know is like this, how can they pull themselves together over lifes failures, why do I have to be like this? it's crippling and exhausting and if a sucide attempt does not pan out, then the stress of this is going to pack my body down for good whether I want it to or not.
     
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I want you to sit down and really re read your post hun. Then ask yourself one questions. Is this relationship ever going to give us both a future that can be fulfilling. I dont want to hurt you but yet I need to be honest. I think you already know that you arent truly in love with one another. You are comfortable with each other because you know that you can "sling" things back and forth but yet you will always find one another again. I was married to a man very similar to your guy. But mine was very controlling and eventually turned very abusive. But for almost 20 years I kept finding excuses to stay and most of them made the situation out to be my fault. He blamed me for many things he didnt get to do in his life, he blamed me for my shortcomings and I blamed myself for all those things too.

    If you two are really in love then take a break from one another. A break with no contact at all. Then when you have both had a chance to think things through without input from one another, see what happens. I truly hope that for your sake you two realize that maybe being very good friends for one another might be a better option.

    As long as you are involved in such an emotionally unhealthy relationship, you will not find the strength to take care of yourself properly. And your mental health will keep you in the spot you are in now. I know.... what the Hell am I asking you to do? It would be easier to cut off your own arm then to take some serious time apart. But to be bluntly honest your guy needs a person like you in his life. Someone that he can keep being emotionally abusive with. It sounds to me like he doesnt want to try and better himself for his sake or yours. But if you take the time to find some help for yourself then you will see that you are so much better than all that. You deserve to be loved, respected and treated like an equal. Not used as a comfort cushion for someone elses shortcomings. And most definitely not to become just another one of the women that he has mistreated in his life. You can do this hun! PM if you need a shoulder to lean on.
     
  6. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    Wow, not to offend but... I can tell you are all in the "young" thing about life....... I felt like you before..... Let me tell you this-- The wind blows... The sun is bright... When you look at the stars, they are literally BILLIONS of miles away.....

    The gods are alive and well. Your human counterparts are important, I'm sure, but............... Breathe in the air.... See the vastness of the Universe......

    See that the gods are more powerful......... Humans are useless.
     
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