I cant deal with it anymore....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Noneother1, Jul 31, 2012.

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  1. Noneother1

    Noneother1 Active Member

    I want to die. I've been really depressed recently, I just want to end it all. I don't even know what to do. I was doing so well. I hadn't cut in 202 days, but yesterday I relapsed. I have a method planned out. I recently came out as bisexual, and now people are being mean. I don't deserve to live anymore, I'm wrong for being this way, but can't change. I just wish I could be normal... I wish that more than anything. Im worthless, and this is the only way out. Everyone will be better off without me. No one will even notice im gone. Sorry about the rant
  2. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    There is something very wise that a friend of mine told me, this friend was someone who I believed in the past, would not miss me if I left, just like you feel now. This friend said that even when people dislike what we do, or dislike certain things about us, or have disagreements with us, or maybe don't get along on all levels or many levels.... never in that persons mind, do they EVER sit there and imagine you dead. Never do they sit and think that the above things are worth a death over. Never do they ever really want someone to die, thinking the above that you said, that they are just not worth while, or not worth it, or shouldn't be alive anymore etc..

    Maybe you can get what I mean, when people hurt you, or say hurtful things to you.... are you sitting right now thinking they should die, and disappear etc... well no? You are sitting now, hurting, thinking it's your fault, and that you should just do everyone a favor and go.

    I absolutely get what you mean about wanting to be normal. It's like "normal" people have it so much easier... they don't have to worry about the most basic functions in life, or in social settings. They don't have to be afraid to live, or be themselves. They don't have to worry about never having someone, or people judging them constantly etc...

    But that, alone, definitely does not mean that you are not worth it... I know you just sort of asked yourself what is wrong with you, I think you meant that in the bisexual term; but I am going to put that another way. Take the sexuality out of it, though it is highly sexually charged... consider it more like being open minded, and not just ASSUMING that you are a certain way. Yes, it is a bit of a harder road, than just naturally assuming the very rigid sexual position of heterosexuality that many adapt early on... however, it means on the other hand, that you are open minded. That you don't just take what you are given, that you explore.

    I imagine that same attitude extends itself in other marvellous ways throughout your life, and is probably very under appreciated right now. It seems that you may also be looking for approval from people who just are not open to that idea on a personal level, and there are groups who ARE open to your sexuality, and there are also groups who basically don't care. I mean if someone is not dating you personally, how is that a personal problem for them, what you think about or do in your 'private' intimate time?

    Just saying, I think it's unfair to yourself too, to weigh so heavily what those people are judging here, as it's something that is none of their damn business. Yes you came out, but they don't need to make fun of you for something they clearly don't even understand, nor are involved in. They just need to say they are uncomfortable, or don't agree; but anything beyond that is just childish.

    Also, can I just say, I am so tired of people getting beaten so far down, that they just feel like nobody wants them, and that they should go. NO. I want you here. Screw the people who feel like they are allowed to sit there and tell us our worth, and if we can have value or not.

    Whoever the heck is making you feel that way... is not right here!

    I am not sure how my message will come across, but I hope you get that I am on your side, and I would love for you to make it through this day. Not for those people who clearly just have no idea how hurtful they really are, but for you...for yourself. It's really brave to come out as being in a sexuality that is not heterosexual, and that little glimmer of courage, I hope you can pull up from inside, and use today as well, but this time, for your life. Your life is important too.

    You are important.
  3. Noneother1

    Noneother1 Active Member

    thanks. im trying to hold on. i am going to try to hang around till morning
  4. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    It may seem trivial for now, but you could perhaps hang out in the chat section of this forum. People may not talk about everything you need there, but it will give you a place to be, and maybe a place to talk and have people listen too, until morning. That can really help, if you don't really want to be alone right now, or need some support until morning.
  5. Noneother1

    Noneother1 Active Member

    Yeah, I think im going to curl up in bed and fall asleep
  6. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I love sleep, I hope that you can get a decent rest... one that at least gives you a break from your mind right now!
  7. Noneother1

    Noneother1 Active Member

    I just took some pills.... I feel kinda funny...
  8. Noneother1

    Noneother1 Active Member

    I feel really dizzy right now... im scared ...I dont know what to do. ..
  9. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Not sure how many pills you took, nor of what; but if you took a reasonable amount (2 or less)... then that dizziness could be anxiety, or could also be because you are tired and uneasy right now..
  10. Noneother1

    Noneother1 Active Member

    I took about 75 (just coumted how many missing). It didn't work. :(. Now I feel like shit.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 31, 2012
  11. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Pills can raise the acidity level in your blood, which can cause kidney damage, and liver damage; sometimes it can cause failure. I am going to recommend that you head to a hospital, and have that checked out. You are alive still, but I cannot imagine anybody would want their kidneys or liver to fail, as that does not directly result in death; but rather results in becoming extremely ill and utterly dependant on others for medical help daily.

    I am not sure how to convince you to go to a hospital, and have your blood and vital areas checked, but the longer you wait, the more the damage is done; and again, it's not the kind of damage you were imagining, because you are still here. Please go see someone.
  12. Noneother1

    Noneother1 Active Member

    I really want to. Im just scared of being admitted. That terrifies me..
  13. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Well, I had an experience similar, which is why I am telling you details of what could happen now that you are still alive... but they are not nice details.

    When you are admitted there may be a waiting period anyway, they may put you in emergency, or they may place you in a different ward. Depends on how urgent they feel it is, or what they feel they need to be monitoring or testing...

    They will get a psychologist to come and interview you. This person will ask you questions about yourself, and where the feelings are stemming from. A visit to the hospital, can in effect help get you into an outpatient program, if you are recommended, which basically is a psychological/counselling program maybe a group therapy, or personal therapy... which is more intense, to help people who are dealing with heavy and strong thoughts and emotions. Such a thing is only ever doctor referred, which you can really only get, under this situation; or under the recommendation of a current psychologist that you may have.

    That is one good reason to go, is for that.

    Another, is to make sure that it's not eating through your insides right now... I am not certain, but you probably might have vomitted by now, maybe some diarrhea... feeling really BLAHHH. May be some heart palpitations...

    That is not supposed to be in your system, and you do owe it to yourself to get it out... your body may not be able to do that on it's own. You may need an IV: because it seems your body has already digested it, so they can't pump your stomach. If the stomach pump idea scared you, well that's past and gone now... since it's been in you for so long.

    They may ask you to stay for a few days... to monitor you, and get someone to see you; or they may put a stay order that makes you stay for 24 hours, or a week.... if they feel you will go home and do that again.

    Being in a hospital is not so bad. it's boring... so bring a book or ipod or something, to do when you are not being tended to. You get fed, people ask you things.... it's not sooo bad.

    They wont tie you down, or force drugs on you. They won't handcuff you to a bed. etc...
  14. charlietgirl

    charlietgirl Member

    Noneother1 ... You really do need to get to a hospital if you took that many pills. As someone who's been there, who's taken a bottle of pills after coming out of the closet and being rejected, I know it's a bad situation. Taking pills not only won't kill you but will actually keep you alive and ruin your liver and kidneys. I don't say this to make you feel bad about attempting, but to tell you that you need to get medical attention to fix this. Doctors and hospitals are there to help you. You'll get what you need.
  15. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    Thankyou Charlietgirl; I agree with what you said.

    Again, the hospital sounds scary, Noneother1; but there are other great things about going. You might be scared to be judged, but you will be offered things there, too, that you wouldn't otherwise have access too... real in depth help, people who will be there, face to face... just for you. People who want to see you live, in person.... and would be happy to see you make it through this.

    I can only convey how much i want you to be alive, and get help in this text here, but I hope you will go to a hospital where face to face, that can be conveyed by others too... in person.
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