I have struggled with severe mental illnesses (depression, GAD, panic disorder) for almost half my life, and in the past I have felt very suicidal but I eventually was able to convince myself that there was the slimmest possibility that things would get better. I told myself that I needed to hang on because there were many important milestones that I haven't hit yet that I had a longing to fulfil at some point. I've always just kind of scraped by in life doing what feels like the bare minimum because I really struggle to function most days. With everything that's happening with the pandemic, I have felt completely and utterly hopeless most days. I live alone so I do not have anyone to turn to. I have also isolated myself in the past few years due to extreme depressive episodes so I do not really have any true friends left. Ever since mid-March, I haven't left my apartment apart from once a week to get groceries, and every waking moment of the day I feel so goddamn lonely and sad and hopeless about absolutely everything. I used to be a pretty self-disciplined university student but now I have zero motivation to get anything done. The past couple of weeks I've had so many suicidal thoughts. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. It is so painful living day in and day out with no sense of joy. I do not enjoy any of the things that I used to. It's so cold where I live which has nothing to do with this but every night I lay in bed crying myself to sleep freezing and in despair. I never have the strength to wake up and when I finally do, I essentially just get my coursework done, then sit and do nothing waiting until I can go to bed again. It feels like a dreary existence. I'm sorry for venting like this. I don't know where to turn to. I've tried to get help in the past but ultimately didn't have much success at all. I feel hesitant even posting this because I don't know if it will serve any purpose, but I guess I needed to get it off my chest somehow. I just feel empty.