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I can't deal with this anymore...

#1
I have struggled with severe mental illnesses (depression, GAD, panic disorder) for almost half my life, and in the past I have felt very suicidal but I eventually was able to convince myself that there was the slimmest possibility that things would get better. I told myself that I needed to hang on because there were many important milestones that I haven't hit yet that I had a longing to fulfil at some point. I've always just kind of scraped by in life doing what feels like the bare minimum because I really struggle to function most days. With everything that's happening with the pandemic, I have felt completely and utterly hopeless most days. I live alone so I do not have anyone to turn to. I have also isolated myself in the past few years due to extreme depressive episodes so I do not really have any true friends left. Ever since mid-March, I haven't left my apartment apart from once a week to get groceries, and every waking moment of the day I feel so goddamn lonely and sad and hopeless about absolutely everything. I used to be a pretty self-disciplined university student but now I have zero motivation to get anything done. The past couple of weeks I've had so many suicidal thoughts. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. It is so painful living day in and day out with no sense of joy. I do not enjoy any of the things that I used to. It's so cold where I live which has nothing to do with this but every night I lay in bed crying myself to sleep freezing and in despair. I never have the strength to wake up and when I finally do, I essentially just get my coursework done, then sit and do nothing waiting until I can go to bed again. It feels like a dreary existence. I'm sorry for venting like this. I don't know where to turn to. I've tried to get help in the past but ultimately didn't have much success at all. I feel hesitant even posting this because I don't know if it will serve any purpose, but I guess I needed to get it off my chest somehow. I just feel empty.
 

GMody

Well-Known Member
#2
No need to feel sorry. You have friends here. Seems you have depression. If so are you taking meds? Did you try to meet a therapist? I think you are a young guy/gal. You have a full life ahead. You mentioned freezing....don't you have a heater? You need to feel better, resist suicidal thoughts. Easier said than done. Hope you get help soon. Don't try to be alone. Join a social group.
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#3
Hello and glad to see you have joined. This is a good place to join and join in with out so just share and post and read from others here, hopefully you will find this a fine place to get to know others like yourself.
 

Legate Lanius

Try not to kill yourself 2020 challenge.
#4
First of all, you need to eat enough and sleep well to be able to handle the cold. I live in the northern realms, myself. You need extra energy for your body to burn that shit like a furnace. When you're not sleeping enough you'll often also get cold.

I've dropped out of university twice for more or less those reasons, so it's great that you're hanging in there for now. The fastest way to completely change all of that around is by targeting the mindset. Trying to change it from looking for escapes to opportunity-seeking or at least dmg-ctrl. And also remember to keep "action precedes motivation" in mind as often as possible. Dark reminded me of that quote today/yesterday, it's really one of the best quotes. You have to do something to get motivated, not the other way around.

Hope something in there clicks for you. It's all about the mindset.
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#5
Hey there and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are feeling dreadful and so depressed. Leaving the house only once a week is sad but its the times we're in isn't it? Its seriously messed up and causing mayhem with people's mental health. It will pass and you can get help for your anxiety and depressive episodes just try and ride it out until then,you mentioned coursework, at least you have that, what are you studying? Keep talking to us here, we're a good bunch and you will find people that can relate. I'd also recommend getting an electric blanket for those cold sharp nights. *hug You are far from alone.
 
#6
Sorry that you're going through this
every night I lay in bed crying myself to sleep freezing
That sounds awful. Is there a reason why it's so cold? Sorry if I'm just pointing out something obvious, but is there a reason why you couldn't just use some extra blankets?

The link in my signature can connect you to some information about treatment methods, if you're interested.
 

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