i cant deal with this

they keep changing my medication, i'm having reactions to this one, and then they said they want to try another antipsychotic, and then if i keep having a reaction another mood stabilizer, this shit is driving me nuts, my moods are all over the place, i flipped out on the pharmacist, i flipped out on my family, now i want to die, i don't think this is working, but maybe its just that i've been at the computer all day trying to decode my fucking biology homework.
im not meant for this life, fuck this bipolar bullshit, i cant deal with this life. i want to die, but i cant kill myself, i have kids to take care of. at least im currently coherent enough to understand that. i feel like i should just do it and get it over with, but i can't. i feel like a prisoner in hell.

 

Hi dreamer,

That sounds so difficult and frustrating.. I'm sorry that they're messing around with your medication so much. It's understandably having an effect on your mood. Is there any way you can tell your doctor about the effect it's having on you? It doesn't sound fair on you to be going through such hell... i hope they manage to find the right medication and dose to help you feel better though. It may take some time for them to find.. but i do still urge you to tell the doctor how you're struggling with it all right now.

Hope you're doing ok and good luck with your homework
:hug:
Jenny x

 

thanks jenny
i dont know. i just dont know!!! i don't want to be alive any more. these fucking meds are just making my life worse. i can't deal with this shit but it seems like i have to because i have two kids and i cant just leave them here. i dont know what to do. i try to rationalize it, the'll be better off without me and so on....and sometimes i really do think that's the truth, im not exactly a stable person and they need a better role model, etc.
i have a plan and ive written all my letters, but im still here....this is fucking ridiculous. why does life have to be so damn painful???? why???

 

There does not have to be a why for everything... and there are many whys that no one can answer.

If you love your kids and they love you, nothing else matters. You have that gift in your life, make the best of it while you can. I can't believe that ain't worth fighting for, and i know you are fighting because of them. If you can help em to grow up straight, then when the time comes, it will be even better than relief...