I can't do it anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mandy828810, Jul 31, 2014.

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  1. Mandy828810

    Mandy828810 Member

    I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I have been dealing with so much my whole life. I just need somewhere I can dump. This may trigger some so be careful.
    My dads friend started molesting me when I was three. It went on for years off and on until I was 13. When I was 15 I told my mom. We pressed charges and the DA told us we didn't have a winnable case. In the meantime I was having sex and I was cutting myself. I attempted suicide twice. My parents tricked me into thinking we were going on vacation and took me to a lock down intensive treatment center in Utah. I was there two years. From 16-18. The place was more bad then good. I got out and within a few months got with a guy who ended up beating me. He also cheated on me. One day I found out he was a registered sex offender. I left him. When I went back for my stuff he raped me very violently. He reenacted some of what my rapist did to me as a child. I had to go to the ER after, but refused to press charges. The next guy I got with after him was a druggie. He got me to do drugs with him. He never beat me but he cheated on me and he pushed me around some. The next guy I got with said he was single. That he was divorced. I fell in love with him. I ended up pregnant by him and come to find out he was married. He stuck around through my pregnancy and the first four months of my child's life. He was extremely mentally/verbally abusive. He got on meth and spent the text year and a half being in and out. Meanwhile one of my closest friends commited suicide and the church I was attending turned on me because I had sex with a married man. Then I ended up moving five hours away. I got with a guy who I thought was perfect. He and I married and he took my son as his own. Things were finally looking up. Then one day things went to hell. He was mean, I was mean, we got in a pushing match one day, we fought all the time. I left. Then my dad got sick. Nobody knew what was wrong with him and then he started hallucinating and was not himself. He acted crazy. I had nobody. My husband wasn't there. One night my dad hallucinated so bad I had to restrain him. After six months of that we found out he had auto immune ensephelitis. He's currently on treatment and doing better but it can go wrong at any time. I ended up divorcing my husband months ago. We still talk and he's in counseling and wants us to do counseling and hopefully get better and be together again one day. My son doesn't want to live with me. He freaks out if he's not with my mom. I know I should make him but my PTSD can't handle his fits. I spend tons of time alone. I am paranoid as heck. I've convinced myself my druggie neighbor wants to kill me and my anxiety and panic are through the roof. I can't find a good job. I'm losing my mind. I can't function anymore. I worry everyday my dads gonna die. That my son will never want me again. Then today I missed his tour of preschool and meeting his teacher because my mom thought I wanted her to take him. It's like the straw that broke the camels back. I never get that opportunity. That first. It's gone. I am so tired of being strong. I just want to die. I can't do this anymore.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry Mandy for the hard life you have had to deal with but you did hun ok now it is time to perhaps go back to hospital talk to your doctor and get a treatment plan for YOU ok while you son is being taken care of. When he sees you trying to get well and he sees you are stable and your life is more peaceful he will come around he will. For now he feels safe ok with y our mother and that is a good thing right. Get some treatment for you to heal therapy meds whatever it takes you look after YOU now so you can be strong for you son
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Mandy, you have been through so much. Your strength is incredible. Really, reading through all of what you have been through is very saddening :( but we are here for you, I wish you the best and also wish that you would get some counselling :hug:
     
  4. Pizza

    Pizza Member

    Hello Mandy, first of all, I'm sorry you had to go trough all this sh**. Nobody deserves going trough things like that. I've been in a lockdown treatment centre for 2,5 years as well, I know they're shit. My mum had some problems as well, we didn't have conctact for a long time but when I saw she was growing and getting 'better' I got back into contact and support with her. I'd say this is the opportunity to make something of your life, your son is in hands of your mum, I assume/hope he is safe. He'll forgive you for the past as long as you'll try to get more stable. (Therapy, medication, thinking about the way your mind works, understanding others is wisdom, understanding yourself is a blessing) I'm sure of it. Don't hide your problems from yourself by seeking love, as an emotionly independant person it'll only hurt you more and more, you deserve better as that.

    I'll pray for you, not sure if you care but I will

    It's shitty hard, I know, but remember: if you're at the bottom, the only way you can go is upwards.

    Stay strong, please, you deserve a better life. Go for it hun, go get what you deserve.

    Respect,
    Pizza
     
  5. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    when you encounter a wall either find a way around it , scale it, or turn around and walk away.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi again, sorry im posting here again it's just this post hasn't been able to leave my mind for the last few hours. Your post really puts my life into perspective, makes my issues seem minimal. I think you really need the help of therapy/medication and all sorts of people who can help. You have been through the mill and no-one deserves what you have put up with. And you need to do this so the past doesn't continue to haunt you and you can give your son a decent loving life which every child deserves(not saying that you aren't already). Please reach out and continue, if you ever need me just drop me a message x
     
  7. Pizza

    Pizza Member

    Same here, if you ever need help or support just send me a message, I'll be there if you need someone.
     
  8. Mandy828810

    Mandy828810 Member

    Thank you all so much. You don't know how much it means to just have somebody understand me. I never have felt like anyone understood me. I feel like people just think I'm crazy or just think I'm being dramatic. If they only knew the half of it maybe they wouldn't but you can't trust everyone with these types of things. I went and got an appointment with a counselor and she is going to get me in to see a psychiatrist so I can get on some medication. Thank you for the kind words about my situation with my son. I haven't told anyone else that so it was nice to vent it and get advice. I love him more than anything and want to be better for him. Yes, my mom is a safe person for him.
     
  9. Pizza

    Pizza Member

    No problem at all, I'm sure we all wish the best for you and your son! I'm glad to hear you're trying to get into contact with a psychiatrist. Time to go for it girl, time to better your life, for as well your as your sons sake! I'm glad he's safe with your mum. Gives you some space to actually tend therapy and try medication.

    It's hard for outsiders who haven't been trough these things to understand you, but remember you're not alone!

    Many respect, cheers,
    Pizza
     
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