I can't do it anymore. I just can't. I have been dealing with so much my whole life. I just need somewhere I can dump. This may trigger some so be careful. My dads friend started molesting me when I was three. It went on for years off and on until I was 13. When I was 15 I told my mom. We pressed charges and the DA told us we didn't have a winnable case. In the meantime I was having sex and I was cutting myself. I attempted suicide twice. My parents tricked me into thinking we were going on vacation and took me to a lock down intensive treatment center in Utah. I was there two years. From 16-18. The place was more bad then good. I got out and within a few months got with a guy who ended up beating me. He also cheated on me. One day I found out he was a registered sex offender. I left him. When I went back for my stuff he raped me very violently. He reenacted some of what my rapist did to me as a child. I had to go to the ER after, but refused to press charges. The next guy I got with after him was a druggie. He got me to do drugs with him. He never beat me but he cheated on me and he pushed me around some. The next guy I got with said he was single. That he was divorced. I fell in love with him. I ended up pregnant by him and come to find out he was married. He stuck around through my pregnancy and the first four months of my child's life. He was extremely mentally/verbally abusive. He got on meth and spent the text year and a half being in and out. Meanwhile one of my closest friends commited suicide and the church I was attending turned on me because I had sex with a married man. Then I ended up moving five hours away. I got with a guy who I thought was perfect. He and I married and he took my son as his own. Things were finally looking up. Then one day things went to hell. He was mean, I was mean, we got in a pushing match one day, we fought all the time. I left. Then my dad got sick. Nobody knew what was wrong with him and then he started hallucinating and was not himself. He acted crazy. I had nobody. My husband wasn't there. One night my dad hallucinated so bad I had to restrain him. After six months of that we found out he had auto immune ensephelitis. He's currently on treatment and doing better but it can go wrong at any time. I ended up divorcing my husband months ago. We still talk and he's in counseling and wants us to do counseling and hopefully get better and be together again one day. My son doesn't want to live with me. He freaks out if he's not with my mom. I know I should make him but my PTSD can't handle his fits. I spend tons of time alone. I am paranoid as heck. I've convinced myself my druggie neighbor wants to kill me and my anxiety and panic are through the roof. I can't find a good job. I'm losing my mind. I can't function anymore. I worry everyday my dads gonna die. That my son will never want me again. Then today I missed his tour of preschool and meeting his teacher because my mom thought I wanted her to take him. It's like the straw that broke the camels back. I never get that opportunity. That first. It's gone. I am so tired of being strong. I just want to die. I can't do this anymore.