I can't do it. (Possibly triggering?)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Broken Wings, Apr 26, 2012.

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  1. Broken Wings

    Broken Wings Well-Known Member

    I can't do it.

    I am so far gone right now.
    I am not okay.
    I am NOT OKAY.

    I want to cut. I want to.
    And I intended to.
    I decided I didn't care that it is almost five months.

    Everything is gone or leaving.
    Everything is over.

    And I don't want to die.

    And I subconsciously gouged myself slightly with my nails in therapy today. The first time I've even come close to harm in there. My last therapy session.

    And it felt good.
    I know the relief will come.
    The pain will go away.
    All I have to do is slice. Cut. Swish. ANYTHING.

    And I can't do it.
    It's not that I won't. It's not that I am holding a promise.
    I just can't.

    I hold the knife to my skin, and I can't do it.

    And I should be happy, that in this moment-- where I feel the worst I think I have ever felt, where I am coping the worst I ever have-- I cannot do it. maybe I am learning.

    But I am not.
    Because at least before I could say I was controlling it, by not doing it.
    Now I am out of control again.

    And I don't know what to do.
    Because I don't want to die.
    I want the pain to stop, and the pressure to go, and to not be here, and to not live, but I don't want to hurt everyone by death.

    At least cutting...
    And I can't.
    I don't know what to do.

    and i am not okay
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No hun you are not okay but you are in control hun believe it or not you are You still have the power to reach out go to hospital call someone to keep YOU safe okay hugs to you
     
  3. Broken Wings

    Broken Wings Well-Known Member

    Thank you.
    I'm afraid things only went downhill from there, but I am still here ,for better or worse.
    And we're going to find help somehow or something...

    I dunno. I'm still in the aftermath, so I'm out of things to say.
    I wish I had been able to read your response that day. /:)
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are still here hun hugs to you
     
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