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I cant do it!

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Myaing

. . . ☯ . . .
#1
God dammit. I wrote my letters, cleaned my room... i understand that it will be best if i kill myself but i cant man up. The method is quick and not even that scarry but... i cant. The thought of my brother comming home after work and finding my body, and seeing my painfully twisted, blue face... on the other hand, he'll get over it... i wont.
Then i started thinking, where will i go after i die? What if i reincarnate? What if this shit decides to haunt me in my next life... i already feel a thousand years old... what if reincarnation is real?
Such a stupid reason to pussy out.... i know. And everyone on the internet is like, "oh, you poor pesant, suicide is cowardice!" Makes me want to die even more.
And then i got high and obviously chilled out, still thinking about all the things that could go wrong. Maybe, dying isnt even as bad as doing it and being rescued somehow... then spending the rest of my life paralysed.... i need a different method.
God... im just so.... freaking.... tired....let me die. I cant take my own life, even tho that is all I want. All i have wanted for years.
 

Anonymous ID

Well-Known Member
#2
I have tried and when I woke up I couldn't lift up my legs. I recovered quickly but at that moment I was scared I had ruined everything. Committing suicide should be hard cause it's a big decision to make, to hurt all them people. Because I survived I got to see the mess I was gunna leave behind and it's not worth it. I'm just thankful that I didn't succeed and the feeling returned to my legs. I'm lucky, don't make the same mistakes I have
 

Myaing

. . . ☯ . . .
#3
I have tried and when I woke up I couldn't lift up my legs. I recovered quickly but at that moment I was scared I had ruined everything. Committing suicide should be hard cause it's a big decision to make, to hurt all them people. Because I survived I got to see the mess I was gunna leave behind and it's not worth it. I'm just thankful that I didn't succeed and the feeling returned to my legs. I'm lucky, don't make the same mistakes I have
I dont have that many people i can hurt... they dont really care anyway. The only reason they would be sad is because they would feel sorry for themselves... they dont care about me. I mean... there is no one helping me now, even tho they know im in pain. All these years im just suffering and no one can help me. They would get over it.
I Just need a better method.
I can only imagine the panic you felt when you woke up. If you see value in life, hold on to it, and never let go. Im happy you changed your mind. No one should feel like this...
Thank you for sharing your story <3
 

Wispiwill

Well-Known Member
#4
God dammit. I wrote my letters, cleaned my room... i understand that it will be best if i kill myself but i cant man up. The method is quick and not even that scarry but... i cant. The thought of my brother comming home after work and finding my body, and seeing my painfully twisted, blue face... on the other hand, he'll get over it... i wont.
Then i started thinking, where will i go after i die? What if i reincarnate? What if this shit decides to haunt me in my next life... i already feel a thousand years old... what if reincarnation is real?
Such a stupid reason to pussy out.... i know. And everyone on the internet is like, "oh, you poor pesant, suicide is cowardice!" Makes me want to die even more.
And then i got high and obviously chilled out, still thinking about all the things that could go wrong. Maybe, dying isnt even as bad as doing it and being rescued somehow... then spending the rest of my life paralysed.... i need a different method.
God... im just so.... freaking.... tired....let me die. I cant take my own life, even tho that is all I want. All i have wanted for years.
I've had the same thoughts - the same fears when I've thought about it. What it would do to those I leave behind. What if I fail and end up in a worse situation. What if it doesn't end. What if I just end up back on the merry go round - never ending. Living and re-living the same moments over and over again. I understand how hard it is to get past those thoughts - I haven't managed to.

On my better days I recognise that at least some part of me still wants to live and that's why those thoughts plague me - won't let me go through with it. On those days I can tell myself that death is always waiting. It's not going anywhere. Sooner or later I'll get there. Maybe I should give life another day to see if it can get better. Just one more day.

Just one.
 

Myaing

. . . ☯ . . .
#5
I've had the same thoughts - the same fears when I've thought about it. What it would do to those I leave behind. What if I fail and end up in a worse situation. What if it doesn't end. What if I just end up back on the merry go round - never ending. Living and re-living the same moments over and over again. I understand how hard it is to get past those thoughts - I haven't managed to.

On my better days I recognise that at least some part of me still wants to live and that's why those thoughts plague me - won't let me go through with it. On those days I can tell myself that death is always waiting. It's not going anywhere. Sooner or later I'll get there. Maybe I should give life another day to see if it can get better. Just one more day.

Just one.
*hug
 

iloverachel

Well-Known Member
#6
God dammit. I wrote my letters, cleaned my room... i understand that it will be best if i kill myself but i cant man up. The method is quick and not even that scarry but... i cant. The thought of my brother comming home after work and finding my body, and seeing my painfully twisted, blue face... on the other hand, he'll get over it... i wont.
Then i started thinking, where will i go after i die? What if i reincarnate? What if this shit decides to haunt me in my next life... i already feel a thousand years old... what if reincarnation is real?
Such a stupid reason to pussy out.... i know. And everyone on the internet is like, "oh, you poor pesant, suicide is cowardice!" Makes me want to die even more.
And then i got high and obviously chilled out, still thinking about all the things that could go wrong. Maybe, dying isnt even as bad as doing it and being rescued somehow... then spending the rest of my life paralysed.... i need a different method.
God... im just so.... freaking.... tired....let me die. I cant take my own life, even tho that is all I want. All i have wanted for years.
Very sad to hear that you are feeling this way :( I have thought about suicide in the past, the thing that stops me is knowing how sad my mother would be and how much she would cry, as well as other family and a few friends
I really hope you get better somehow *hugs
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#7
they dont care about me. I mean... there is no one helping me now, even tho they know im in pain. All these years im just suffering and no one can help me.
Are you certain they don't care @Myaing? Have you told them how you're feeling? Do they actually know how to help you? What do you need from them that would help?
 
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