I can't do it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Roundchild, Dec 28, 2008.

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  1. Roundchild

    Roundchild New Member

    I guess I'll start by a bit unortodox way.

    I can't die. I can't commit suicide.

    Not that I tried, and couldn't go through, or was stopped. Rather, I have grown up believing that suicide is the ultimate defeat, that the person who commits suicide has given up in the worse possible way... Which is not to say that I deemed the person weak or... I forget. Well, there goes the drama :laugh: Sorry, thoughts seem to come so hard to me these last years, and I guess I never was one for expressing feelings much.
    I guess what I wanted to say was, that I've always strongly felt that I'd never do it myself, that no much how hard things may get I'd always be able to keep my cold logic and simply endure through it. Not only that, but through time, based on that idea I'd keep building up my ego to fight against whatever problem the life may throw against me. Whenever I encountered a barrier I'd simply smash through it reassuring myself, making myself believe that there simply isn't anything that could break me, that I could not overcome.
    So, what happens when two indestructible objects collide? *Something* is bound to break.

    :laugh: Even now I hide behind my emotionlesness... Look at my writings, you'd say I was making a lecture, not talking about my anxiety.

    What happened? The same "cliche" I'd normally loathe.

    I guess I was never a social person. I grew up just with my asocial, obsessively controlling mother. I enrolled in a university, dropped out after 4 years when my girlfriend was raped by her own father and she took her life, and the realization I loathed my future job did not help my depression at all. I drifted from one job to another, not knowing what I really want in my life. I guess I never did, I never found anything even remotely interesting...
    A year ago I started going to japanese language classes, and found I enjoyed it so much I actually be willing to re-enroll university and major in that. Unfortunately, I had to move to an another country for that, and my schedule didn't allow me to take apart-time job to pay for my studies and lodging - so I had to rely on my mother. (btw. where I live such situations are more often than not)
    For a while, everything was as good as it can get. For the first time in my life I had a goal in my life, a purpose to life, I was happy with myself, I had a wonderful girlfreind that was absolute realization of everything I could wish for in a girl, from her character, humor, color of eyes, body measurements, to totaly insignificant stuff like, say, the shape of her toes :laugh:
    Until one of the professors told me that she thinks that I, back in the school with my 27 years, am nothing but a failure that will never amout to anything in his life, and that she will not allow me to pass, as it is pointless for me to hold the place that could belong to someone who actually wants to do something in his life.
    So my second chance at succeeding in life went down the drain. I was forced to move back home. My girlfriend moved to Taiwan. She was willing to wait until I finish my studies, but now I couldn't keep her away from her happiness. I'm now back home, without any papers to prove my worth, with no chance of finding a job, no money in my pocket, no prospect of getting my own place, forced to live with mother who feels compelled to guide my every action and rule every bit of what's left of my life up to what stuff in my room goes where, what I wear and when I do thing that I do. I lost what little friends I have while I was away, none of those that I have left are for anything other than superficial conversation, let alone sharing my personal problems. I don't believe in superficial sex relationships, yet I can't get into any lasting one because not one woman will ever compare to my last girlfriend (if I last long enough I migh learn to compromise, but it will never be the same). Only thing I'm left with is my asocial, passive-agressive, overly-defensive, emotionally closed-off, hateful cold character, hating myself because I'm everything I never wished to be, because me now is completely opposite to who I want to be - a happy, friendly, warm, loving person. If only I was a cold bastard at heart, at least be at peace with what I am...

    Everything is getting worse and worse.. I can't find strength anymore to cope with it all... I can't find anything to enjoy, let alone to not feel guilty enjoying it while I'm jobless. Mother and I hate each other now, and not a day goes without some horrible words said on both sides. Each day I'm more and more aware I need urgent psychiatric help because I'm on the verge of psychic breakdown, but I can't afford any, neither can I afford anti-depressives. I have friend who is specializing in group therapy and could get me into one for free, but I am both not currently suitable for group therapy and need individual treatment more than group treatment.

    Each day I feel more and more that I no longer see a point to living, no source of happiness, only pain, and each day I feel more and more that I just want to end it all, but I can't because I can'd admit defeat to myself, because my inflated-ego-defense mechanism is keeping me alive whether I want it or not! I want to kill myself, I don't want to kill myself and hate myself because of that, I hate myself because I'm so fucked up I can't control myself anymore but am controlled by my own brainwashing, untill all I can feel is I'm losing my sanity... that little dried stick holding the two undestructible emotions apart...

    Please, I beg of you... I just want to hear something nice after all this time... Help me...
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 28, 2008
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    i am glad that you are here, you are not a failure no matter what anyone says, you are a humanbeing, and considering that you say you cannot commit suicide, you are many steps ahead of the majority of this forum.
    you are not a bad person and you are definitely not a waste of space by any means :hug:
  3. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    I think most of us know the feeling of going insane, please try to get into that group therapy, even if it isn´t exactly what you want it´s a first step in the right direction. If you want to get your life back into control you need to start somewhere. If you suffer under manic depression someone in your family (parents, grandparents ect) must also have it. Perhaps your mother also has it...

    Please keep strong, you seem to be an awesome guy; learning Japanese, having had such an wonderful sounding girlfriend. Just try to get your life back together step by step.
  4. Roundchild

    Roundchild New Member

    I am sorry I mislead you, I don't actually know if I'm manic, sometimes it fels like it. Disregard that I wrote manic (I'll remove it if it's possible), in all honesty I wrote it because it sounded stronger... All I know I've never been happy in my life, and I've always shown a lot of symptoms of depression. Was it because my depression was caused early, or because I'm actually manic, I don't know. I'm sorry.

    And the problem is exactly that I'm not that "awesome" anymore... I can no longer study japanese and my girlfriend is gone for good.

    I'll try to talk to my friend, to see what she thinks about putting me in group therapy. I haven't been able to talk to her lately because of her commitments. Problem is, if I'm unsuitable, it may do more harm than help, so it's not a guarantee the psychiatrist will accept me in. But, I'll try.
  5. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    Doesn´t matter if you´re manic depressed or not. Your mother may suffer under normal depression just like you.

    If your old girlfriend loved you and you both shared the same trail of thought you WILL find someone else. Just keep searching.
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