My heart hurts so much today. I feel so alone in this world. I don't trust anyone, I don't believe in anyone-including myself, the people I do trust (my family) I can't be completley honest with about my life because I don't want them to worry. I feel like no one listens and no one who can do anything really cares. I want to just get over it, to be happy, to feel content and joyous, but I'm so alone. I want to be held and kissed and loved, but the only men who will do things like that with me are just men who are taking advantage of me and don't really care about me. Yet I continue to let them because I crave physical intimacy so much and afterwards I just feel used. There is no one I can talk to about this. The people I've tried talking to about it in the past just want to push me off onto someone else. No one cares, they dont' understand, they want me to turn to other people, get help from other people, they are unwilling to help me themselves. I have nothing to offer anyone of any kind. I'm pathetic, fat, lonely, and ugly. I will never find love because I dont have the self control to hold out for a guy who might actually care about me. I live in the future and am missing the present as it passes me by. I smile every day because I think thats what I'm suppose to do. I get close to people then somehow they just end up leaving me. I want to be surprised by someone... I want to be shocked and I want a friendship where the other person really cares about me. Anyway, just venting, I'll be over it in the morning.