I Can't Do It

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dharma4815162342, Jan 22, 2010.

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  1. Dharma4815162342

    Dharma4815162342 Well-Known Member

    My heart hurts so much today. I feel so alone in this world. I don't trust anyone, I don't believe in anyone-including myself, the people I do trust (my family) I can't be completley honest with about my life because I don't want them to worry. I feel like no one listens and no one who can do anything really cares. I want to just get over it, to be happy, to feel content and joyous, but I'm so alone. I want to be held and kissed and loved, but the only men who will do things like that with me are just men who are taking advantage of me and don't really care about me. Yet I continue to let them because I crave physical intimacy so much and afterwards I just feel used. There is no one I can talk to about this. The people I've tried talking to about it in the past just want to push me off onto someone else. No one cares, they dont' understand, they want me to turn to other people, get help from other people, they are unwilling to help me themselves. I have nothing to offer anyone of any kind. I'm pathetic, fat, lonely, and ugly. I will never find love because I dont have the self control to hold out for a guy who might actually care about me. I live in the future and am missing the present as it passes me by. I smile every day because I think thats what I'm suppose to do. I get close to people then somehow they just end up leaving me. I want to be surprised by someone... I want to be shocked and I want a friendship where the other person really cares about me. Anyway, just venting, I'll be over it in the morning.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are in such a difficult position as you crave the kindness the warmth and you are vunlerable. The idiots see that and they will take advantage You have to try to be strong for you. You have to believe you are better than that you deserve to have someone that is not just going to use you then throw you away. Please understand that you need to set the bar here and say no no no
    I am not going there not until we are friends we get to know each other and that he shows he will care and is committed to you take care of you okay stay strong.
     
  3. Dharma4815162342

    Dharma4815162342 Well-Known Member

    But I'm not worth it. I dont' deserve it. If I do set the bar then I will just be alone forever because anyone worth having will never want me. I'm too difficult to handle for anyone to want me.
     
  4. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    You won't find someone if you keep saying that. And if you have flaws, why not change that? You can find someone. Just don't expect that someone to fall on your doorstep.
     
  5. Dharma4815162342

    Dharma4815162342 Well-Known Member

    I don't want to have to change who I am for someone else tho. I mean if I change who I am then if someone does fall in love with me, they're not falling in love with the real me. I understand what you mean tho. It just seems that no matter what I do I make someone mad or someone doesnt like me. In fact not just someone, no one. I don't want to change myself in the hopes that someone else will like me. If I'm going to change its going to be because I want to change. And I don't expect them to fall at my door step. I'm not some girl who sits at home alone all the time. I go to dances, activities, parties, I even host parties myself. I'm just the type of person who attracts people or boys. I doubt I will ever find someone who wants me and I'm beginning to wonder if I want to. I don't see how the joys of love outweigh the heartache it always brings.

    So here's a totally unrelated note. There are two friends over right now, we are watching Lost. I was having a wonderful time, talking about theories about the show and laughing with the girl friend who is over here. The guy was being really quiet. We asked him why and he said he was really pissed at something we said. Then when we asked him why he didnt respond. When we asked again he said he was really pissed about something we said. He wont tell us what and now says it doesnt matter. So here I am thinking that I've said something to really piss off a friend of mine and that he doesnt care enough about me or my friendship to tell me what. He hates me and I dont even know why. Sure I am over reacting, that happens alot when I'm depressed. I freak out about the littlest thing. It just feels like... I'm useless, harmful, and a horrible friend. I know logically it doenst make sense, but whenever anything negative happens in my life I always assume its because of something I am or something I did. I create no goodness in my life and I only bring horror to those who care about me.
     
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