I am ashamed to say this, but I'm 30, I don't have a steady job which means I don't have my own place and all the things that makes a person independent and a man....because my fat fuck cousin deemed me not a man, but that's another story. The most pathetic thing about me is the fact that I haven't finished college yet. I haven't returned in three years, and it's painful to explain why, but I want to return to the school... I want to not finish somewhere else, but where I choose. But there are so many walls and I feel powerless to tear them down. I am not doing this another year....i am always hurting emotionally, I never have enough money to get alcohol to numb the pain, i am tired of being the family scapegoat, I am tired of making honest efforts to work on myself only for it to be in vain. It's obvious that things will not get better for me, so by the end of this year, i am going to find my balls and the courage to take my life once and for all. I don;t care how pathetic I sound right now, I am just so sick of all this shit piling up all around me. There's too much pain and i can't stop the hurt. an no DO NOT tell me to call a hospital because i will not subject myself to being locked up in an uncaring enviroment where the only "help" you get is some stupid pills that do more harm than good. I am sorry for being so angry but i feel hopeless and the hurt is too much. sorry again.