I can't do this another year

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sadhart, Aug 31, 2012.

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  1. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I am ashamed to say this, but I'm 30, I don't have a steady job which means I don't have my own place and all the things that makes a person independent and a man....because my fat fuck cousin deemed me not a man, but that's another story. The most pathetic thing about me is the fact that I haven't finished college yet. I haven't returned in three years, and it's painful to explain why, but I want to return to the school... I want to not finish somewhere else, but where I choose.

    But there are so many walls and I feel powerless to tear them down. I am not doing this another year....i am always hurting emotionally, I never have enough money to get alcohol to numb the pain, i am tired of being the family scapegoat, I am tired of making honest efforts to work on myself only for it to be in vain. It's obvious that things will not get better for me, so by the end of this year, i am going to find my balls and the courage to take my life once and for all. I don;t care how pathetic I sound right now, I am just so sick of all this shit piling up all around me. There's too much pain and i can't stop the hurt.

    an no DO NOT tell me to call a hospital because i will not subject myself to being locked up in an uncaring enviroment where the only "help" you get is some stupid pills that do more harm than good. I am sorry for being so angry but i feel hopeless and the hurt is too much. sorry again.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You said you didn't want anybody to tell you to call a hospital because i will not subject myself to being locked up in an uncaring enviroment where the only "help" you get is some stupid pills that do more harm than good. - you did not say "again" - I take that to mean you are basing your assumptions on accounts of other people and not your own experience? Please correct me if I misread that. You mention that pills do more harm than good but one of your problems is not having the money for alcohol that is a depressant and without fail does more harm than good.

    Aside from those small things - both are very much your right to feel and I am not implying they are not - what specifically is going on? Finishing school but implying you can not do it as you would choose? I am not sure what the story is with that but would be happy to hear even if i have no practical advice to give on it. What type of jobs are you looking for ? It is undoubtedly a difficult economy to get a good start in. Tell us about the walls - I am not in anyway assuming i can offer help , but i can listen and let you be heard for a change.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    Okay, I'll try to clear some of this up.

    I'm not just basing not going to a hospital based on other people's experiences, I am above all else basing it on my own. So yeah, I've had my share of bad hospital stays. The same goes with pills....and maybe it is hypocritical to turn to alcohol, but it numbs the pain and any ill effexts is expected. anti depressants and the people who prescribe them just piss me the hell off.

    no, as i said i am not going into the details about school other than for certain reasons, there are some complications both financially and personally. And as far as the walls go....look at the start of what I wrote in my first message in this topic...that should give a good idea of the walls im talking about. i don't know if that was enough clarification as to why i want to take my life but that's the best i can do right now.
     
  4. synchrohobbit

    synchrohobbit Active Member

    I realize this is absolutely not helpful but I feel the exact same way right now. Mine is currently on a shorter-term scale; I sort of stopped graduate school in the past couple weeks because I couldn't take the experiments failing and my adviser not talking to me. I may even almost be done, but it is so painful that it seems impossible. I just feel sick and like a failure and I will lose all of my friends if I don't make it work, but I literally can't right now. I could certainly be much worse off, and I will get there if I keep going, so sometimes it seems I should just cut it all out now. The one thin I can say is that I have been on many different pills, and it really just took messing with the doses and combinations, and then it made me a generally functional human being. Right now they don't seem to be working so well, but I guess they cant do everything.
     
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I just spent the last 90 minutes or so reading all of your 84 threads and 218 posts and replies. Along the way you have gotten a lot of really really good advice and recommendations, and have at times pointed out the obvious answers yourself and spent varying amounts of time actually working on fixing some of the issues. Most the issues are not impossible to fix if you chose to try some of the advice you have received - all could be worked on. I am not going to line item it out here but if you want to consider having things to change for the better feel free to PM and I will share some ideas there rather than in an open forum thread.

    Good luck, I hope you work this out and am available if you want it

    Ben
     
  6. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I will think about what you said and get back to you some time.
     
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