I want things to end for once and for all. I keep kidding myself that it'll be fine and I'll get better but every time I do get 'better' I end up dropping again, and it's usually even worse than I remember it being. I'm not someone who cries a lot but I feel it all the time at the moment, I'm just feeling completely hopeless, every single second of every single day is just pain and torture and I can't take it anymore. I hate everything, I hate everyone, but most of all I hate myself. And I can't live with myself. There's that phrase in the Shawshank Redemption, "get busy living or get busy dying". I've tried to start living again, I've tried to do things that make me happy, and I'm still in this place after all of that. And I wonder if it's finally time to give up. I'm stuck in that horrible in between right now where I don't want to live or die, I just want to sleep forever, so I don't know wtf I wanna do to be honest. If only my feelings were a little clearer, I might even be gone already if that was the case.