i cant do this anymore

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Rachael1, Dec 7, 2012.

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  1. Rachael1

    Rachael1 Account Closed

    i really dont think i can take much more of this. im sick of feeling depressed. ive had enough of the constant nightmares and flash-backs. im strugggling to hide my sh injuries. im struggling to cope with my addiction to absinthe. im sick of the pain im constantly in, from the damage ive done from overdosing. im just sick of it all. im so angry, mainly with myself. ive only got myself to blame. im so stupid, there are people at uni who could help me but im too ashamed to talk to anyone. my mother is driving me to insanity. shes constantly putting me down, nothing i do is good enough for her. if i dissapeared tommorrow, she wouldnt even notice, nobody would. im sick of lying to everyone, telling them im ok and making up stories of how i cut myself or why im crying. my only escape is my horse, being able to just ride out and get away from civilisation and i fanticise about us running away together and never coming back. it makes me feel physically sick, knowing ive got to go back home and deal with reality. i really cant deal with the pressure uni is putting on me, having spent 6 weeks off im expected to do 3assignments in 4 days and catch up on everything as well as get through a load of exams and assessments. i cant physically do it, ive started cutting myself at uni because im getting so stressed out. i think there getting suspicious, one of my lecturers saw blood on my sleeve the other day and started asking questions. im on the verge of a major breakdown, theres no pills in the house so i cant od and im running out of places to cut myself but i need to release this pressure somehow. im in the house alone and my only companion is half a bottle of absinthe and the computer. :crushed:
  2. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Hi, I'm terribly sorry that your going through this crisis. I would suggest you reach out for help sooner rather then later, start with your gp and be as open and honest as possible. Then find out what support is available for you at uni and make sure you get it. Your relationship with your mother sounds very important and yet frought with difficulties, so I would suggest seeing a therapist to help start to make sense of it. If your uni has a psychology department ask for some contact details there. One last thing would be to spend as little time at home with the stresses as possible and of course look after yourself physically.
    I wish you all the best.
  3. Cpt-Fantastic

    Cpt-Fantastic Banned Member

    Rachael, I'm so sorry you feel this way. I dont think anyone should have gone through what you have gone through, but where do we go from now? I could ask you to stop SH-ing but that doesn't work. SH is soothing. Same with the absinthe. Any time we have anything that stresses us, we pacify. And there are all sorts of pacifiers. Like biting our lips. You know why we bite our lips?
    The reason we bite our lips is because we can't suck our thumbs anymore. We need to take some of that stress away. 3 assignments in 4 days is hard, but doable. But it does create alot of stress if we could start by taking that stress away you would feel alot better. Could I help? If you bring me up to speed, might be able to do 1 assignment for you.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Can you talk to your professors hun see if you can get an extension on some of those assignments if you can get doc note saying how much stress you are having. hugs toyou
  5. Rachael1

    Rachael1 Account Closed

    nobody knows whats going on, not even my doctor. ive only ever spoken about it on here. if you knew exactly what happened, you would understand. i cant talk to anyone about it, if i did id be risking my life. so either way im stuck. if i talk im dead, if i carry on like this im dead. i just dont know what to do. my plan was to finish uni in 2 years and move as far away as i can but i dont know if i can hang on that long
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    You need to discuss this with a professional. On one hand you say that you want to die, but then you also say you are afraid to tell anyone what is wrong because then you would be dead. This tells me you want to live... so reach out and get the help that you need. You cannot find a path to healing until you first face what is wrong and address it. Therein lies the true release of pressure, perhaps.
  7. Rachael1

    Rachael1 Account Closed

    well of course i want to live, id give anything to live a normal live. im just sick of trying. the reason im in this situation is complicated, my father did some very horrible things to me three years ago, he told me if i ever speak of it, he'd come get me. one of my horses was killed as a result of me trying to escape. so i know he's capeable. now maybe you can understand my situation a little better. thats why ive come here, because i dont know what to do
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