I cant do this anymore.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by nicci4361, Jan 2, 2015.

  1. nicci4361

    nicci4361 New Member

    Oh God what am I s suppose to do. I can't stand one more minute of this. I want to let go now I am so tired of saying to myself it will be ok you , I know it's not going to get better. I want all this torment inside mng myselle to stop. I am having a hard time believing what I keep telling myself. I don't want to be strapped to this machine the rest of my life. What the FUCK did I do to deserve this. Where did I go wrong. I never imagined that this would be my ending. I can't seem to wrap my head around all what's going on. Did I do this to myself ? How could I have allowed this to happen. Why didn't I see the warning signs. I can't go back and change what happened CAUSE honestjy I don't know what I did I'd. Tonight this has to all stop. I don't want this life anymore. I have been doing my best to helpe me transition through this but I m getting no where fast. I hate all of what's hatppening to me. My control is taken away from me and I am unable to make me feel better so the best is for me to get out and do it now.I am not scared of what has to happen. I know it's right for me. I have thoughts that makes it hard to look the other way. This all seems right.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter


    I do not have any answers as such but wanted you to know I read your post and I do care. Please don't harm yourself. None of us have done anything to deserve the pain and suffering we feel but we must try and remain positive even in our darkest hour. Hang in there Nicci, there will be brighter days, wishing you all the best.

  3. Summit

    Summit Member

    I'm sorry Nicci--I know the feeling. Sometimes it's just a background lull and sometime I literally feel like I am going to come completely UNtrained as we say in the horse racing world. I feel like I am going to really lose control and just break down in public and cry and babble and be taken away. Lately I've been fighting the urge to just give in so I'm not trying to be some fucking idiot that minimizes this--believe me, it's why I've isolated from many family member, that SILLY way they say, "Just watch a funny movie" blah blah. Anyway--I go walk, fast and furious and just yell at the thoughts to STOP at least while I walk. I walk twice a day. NOT a damn ny resolution cuz I never know if I'll make it another year so why set up for failure? Just to make things shut the hell up and let me just NOT THINK. Just a thought. SOMEONE loves you and cares about you even if we can't let that love in and feel it. Someone would be ever affected negatively if you do commit suicide. I don't want that on me, so I fucking strap on the Nikes and walk like a woman on a mission to save her life because I am. Be well.:pinkheart:
  4. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    I find this time of the year horrific. And a big part of me just goes into hibernation mode just wanting to sleep for a very very long time. Problem is you can only sleep so long. And it becomes tourcherus for me to pretend to sleep when all im doing is entertaining a toxic dialogue about why my life is so shit,all the mistakes ive made, all the worst things that have ever happened to me and worst of all . All the terrible things that are going to happen to me...You are not alone in your suffering and just maybe if you beleive out of this darkness will come light. You havent come all this way and gone through all this suffering for nothing! More will be revealed! When the pupil is ready the teacher will appear! And im not for a moment suggesting that that is me. But i am suggesting that you open your heart and mind to the solution and try your best to endure the pain until it goes away...Nothing last forever! I mean look christmas is over! Hallelujah! Seasons come and go. This too shall pass! X
  5. nicci4361

    nicci4361 New Member

    Thank all of you for caring enough to respond to me. I wish I could tell everyone that life is getting slightly better for me but it's not. I see that I am not alone in suffering. That all of us go through this some worse then others but that doesn't negate anyones feelings. A lot of you feel also that nothing will get better as I feel at this point. I am lost in this. The days I have to be strapped to this machine is all consuming to me. I honestly have to stop myself from doing the things that are ever present in my head. My sleep is so broken at this time . These nightmares of me killing or hurting myself wake me through the night . I wake with my heart racing and my mind filled with so much that I am awake for a few hours then it happens all over again. I am having a hard time not carrying throughgive me with what I hear inside my head. I am having a hard time with my thoughts. I can't make them stop or give me a break. The days that I am strapped to the machine for 4 hours I have a hard time fighting myself not to unhook myself from the line and allow my blood to flow into my chair or on the floor. The artery would push it out so fast that it could drain me in 5-7 minutes. I fight myself over this. I realize that what I want couldn't occur cause the damn alarms would sound and they would stop me. That's not what I want, to be saved and I sure wouldn't want to be thrown into a hospital . None of that can help me. I can't even look at the machine cause my blood flowing out of me into it and then back to me freaks me out. Once the treatment is finished I feel like someone slugged me. I come home only to lay down and fall asleep drained. I wake hours later and I still feel like a Mach truck has run me over only to not be able to sleep anymore. I lay in bed pathetic cause I have no strength to do anything. My treatment starts at 2:15 pm and ends at 7:15 pm . The next day is not so good with nausea, pain and drained of all energy which blows that whole day. I wake the next morning and feel better only to have to be back again that afternoon. It feels like I just left there. My life is nothing and I feel so useless. I just can't continue like this day in and day out. This is no life and I need to get out of it. I want peace and I will only get it when I'm 10 feet under. I don't want to hurt anyone in my life but I see no other choice. I am told to wait it out ,give myself at least 4 months to adjust. This is so unbearable that I can't picture it ever happening. Thanks for being there...........Patty
  6. Summit

    Summit Member

    Dear Patty--this is heartbreaking. I cannot imagine. Try to see yourself as a hero if this would happen to one of us that reads how you keep going on--carry on carry on. I will only say that you are now forever in my mind and I would come hold your hand the entire treatment if I knew you. No one can tell you that you can do this but I will send strength your way and pray for you as I do myself and hope we can look back in 20 yrs happily and say, wow--it CAN end and things CAN get better. It's all we have. I remember once that you should pretend there is a bright candle smack dab in the middle of your body and NOTHING AND NO ONE can get to it to blow it out. It burns no matter what. It helps me sometime when I feel dead on outside to know that something INSIDE is surviving and thriving and burning bright and strong. God Bless you my friend in this stuggle.:hug:
  7. Summit

    Summit Member

    Another thought that passes thru my head about all of this...I worked as a scrub tech in surgery for a few years...As bad as I feel and as depressed as I get, If I were at your treatment facility and SAW you pull the needle out, I would risk MY LIFE AND LIMB to get to you to HELP YOU and try to stop it and save you. That has to mean something for all of us. If I feel like not being in this world anymore but will risk ANYTHING to save ANYONE I do not even know to NOT GIVE UP--that has to mean something. I think you would do the same for someone else. Just a thought. xoxo
  8. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Sorry about the health issue of being subjected to the machine. Did they give you hope like a kidney transplant?