i cant do this anymore!!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Mel2809, Apr 14, 2015.

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  1. Mel2809

    Mel2809 Active Member

    I'm at the end. I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired of fighting. I have been researching over the past few days which pills I can take that will be fatal. Once I figure that out I have the rest of the plan ready.
    I have multiple personalities. Over 30 right now ranging in age from a few months old to 63 years old. The average ages are 5 -15. I'm struggling with the memories they are releasing. As they are released more pieces of the puzzle are being connected. I am really struggling with this. I am left feeling abandoned, alone, rejected and angry. What's worse is I have to deal with all of this alone. I have very few friends that I can lean on. My therapist helps but can only do so much in an hour. I hate myself!!! I hate where my life is. I hate that I feel like I'm not trying hard enough. I hate the empty feeling that consumes me. I can't do this anymore!! I don't have anymore fight left.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Mel, sorry to hear you are feeling so down and suicidal but please believe me when I say it is not the way to go. You are trying to fight this and that's a huge positive sign. Are you on medication? Are you seeing a psychiatrist besides a therapist?
     
  3. Mel2809

    Mel2809 Active Member

    I'm on so many meds its not even funny. Yes I see a psychiatrist as well.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Medication can be tricky, some will help some won't, some take time some don't, some just won't work ell for you. It can take a long time to find the right one for you unfortunately :( How's it going with the psychiatrist?
     
  5. Mel2809

    Mel2809 Active Member

    Oh believe me I know well about meds and how they work or don't work. We've been working for 20 years trying to find the right meds/combo of meds. Its frustrating. What makes it even better is that the meds for some reason will work better for one alter and may not work at all for another. I'm on meds for anxiety, depression, PTSD, sleep, fibromyalgia, eye issues, heart issues, acid reflux.
    My psychiatrist is willing to try different things and change meds but even he isn't sure what else to try. I've tried just about every thing available. I'm so used to meds either not working or only working for a short period of time. Its just one more thing that's added to why it doesn't take much to push me over the edge.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That has got to be so frustrating!! 20 years, wow! Unbelievable. I suppose the good thing is they are making more and more meds all the time, I know that's still hard for you but there's hope. I suffer with PTSD too, sometimes it's bearable and other times it is crippling.

    Mel I think you might benefit from self help 'cos even if the medications did work, you still wouldn't be in the clear, it would be masking your issues. Are you entirely honest with the therapist? Have you ever tried reading books about confidence self esteem, panic attacks, I read a book once caled ''when panic attacks'' it helped me understand and cope with things better. :hug:
     
  7. Mel2809

    Mel2809 Active Member

    I have tried the 'self help' route a few times. I end up feeling very frustrated and confused.
    Right now the thing that seems to help a little is journaling. Even this is difficult as I can't just write, I have to plan in my head what I'm going to write before I do. I am also in the process (very long process) of writing a book putting into words my experiences during childhood and making it out and explaining how I have survived to date. It will be published eventually. For me...nothing is as easy as one would think it should be, everything including taking a walk is a process.
    Yes I am very honest with my therapist. I've been seeing her for 10 years and twice a week for the past one and a half. But she can only help so much when on a time limit.
     
  8. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    "Right now the thing that seems to help a little is journaling. Even this is difficult as I can't just write, I have to plan in my head what I'm going to write before I do."

    This is a little off topic but the need for mental planning before writing is one common to many great writers. I think this must have been especially true back when people wrote out manuscripts by hand and couldn't edit. True, it makes things a little more difficult in that it would be great if you could just open the taps and let it all flow out, but it often results in an improved product. You actually get out what you are trying to say in a more complete, organized and ultimately rewarding way. Just wanting to encourage you to hang in there with the journaling as you say it is helping a little. Journaling has helped me enormously in the past so am always glad to see other people using it as well.
     
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