I just don't know what to do anymore. I really can't. All I do is cry. That's it. And I just want someone to tell me it will be okay and that I can do this, but everytime someone does it's the emptiest thing in the world. All I fell is broken. This world just broke me in half. All the ideals, all the beliefs that people are generally good have been tossed. People serve no great purpose. What is the point of all this. And before someone tells me about religion or something like that, I don't believe in any of it. My cousin just died of brain cancer and I wished like hell it was me. And I would cry because it wasn't me. And I was seeing all these people hurting and I was still wishing for that to have happened to someone who deserved it, me, a person that kills themselves a bit each day with things that will kill me slowly. Too many cigarettes and too much alcohol and too many prescription pills, and all I'm waiting for is to die. I used to be waiting for something to actually happen and I don't want anything to happen anymore. And my family believes that maybe it's hormonal or something and I just want to scream and yell and throw a temper tantrum and tell them that no. It's just my fucking head. My head is doing this to me, and I feel it everyday in my body and I'm just wishing and hoping to be dead. And nobody gets it. I could scream for the roof tops about how unhappy I am and someone would say, did you try therapy? did you try birth control pills? did you try this did you try that? YES YES AND YES. I have tried everything at least once, if not multiple times. And everytime my head intervenes and tells me once again that I am not good enough, that I am weak, and that nobody really needs me, and I can't do this anymore. I'm a counselor to all of my friends, and yet, not one of them can listen to me. And the thing is they try, but it's just so depressing to listen to. And i end up apologizing for bringing the conversation down and then drop it. And the one person that truly does get it, I can't see or talk to because his family doesn't like me. Or more to the point his wife doesn't like me because i was his friend for so long and she doesn't know me. I can't smile, i can't laugh, im just broken. I feel like a badly pieced together mosaic.