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I cant do this by myself...the search for strength to continue on

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by forever_scarred, Feb 27, 2013.

  1. forever_scarred

    forever_scarred Well-Known Member

    People have told me over and over to 'get over' whatever I was feeling but I didnt listen or think it was possible to move passed them until last night when i finally let go and let myself cry. i didnt care who saw me, i didnt care if it was the right or wrong thing to do. I just cried for everything and nothing. In the beginning I wanted to stop it and i wont lie i attempted to harm to make myslef stop feeling but I sat down and finally asked my 'what am i doing?' 'Why destroy myself for feeling?' I took everything ive ever felt and used that to let go. Everything from the last few weeks..all the pain and torment...i looked up at the sky and said 'mom help me' to quote one of my favorite songs 'I can't do this by myself, all these problems are all in your head, and I cant be somebody else'. I didnt believe in change because things have been the same for so long and i know its not going to be easy but this isn't something i wish to live with the rest of my life. I can't be someone else, i cant live the perfect life that they do or invision for me but I can improve myself best I can. I will always have some doubt, always have some fear of what could happen. I know mom wouldn't want me to live this way, to live in fear of losing someone or something I love everytime a change occurs. I have been incredibly numb for a long time. I know im not going to wake up tomorrow and have everything be fine, its going to take time and ard work but I want to be me again. I want to live again. I know ill have days where ill slip, days where ill return to this hellish place but now I have a reason to keep going. Im not gonna wallow in what is...Im gonna get cash back somehow and im gonna pass these classes somehow I know I can do it now. When i asked mom for help something happened, i dont know what it was but i finally felt strong again. 'you cant help others until you help yourself' i need to honor that before i try to be there again. That's carrying on legacy not forcing myself to suffer, thats not what she would want and in a way I believe she brought me to this song titled 'red' by Daniel Merriweather. I dont care what the orginal meaning of the song is; what it means to me is all that matters. I know she wanted..no she needed me to realize this. No matter what tomorrow brings I know im not alone, she's only one breath away from me because she resides inside my soul. She promised not to let go and for a while i believed that she had lied...but she didnt. She was right here all along. I love you mom, now and forever ♥
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you
  3. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Wow! *tears

    ((gentle hugs))

    Some powerful insights/realizations there, Kiddo.

    ...and we are all here for you as well.

    Be gentle on you.

    --sorry about last night :(