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I can't do this (I guess this triggers)

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but_not_today

Member
#1
#1
Two horrible things happened back-to-back last night and this morning. I called my only friend for help and all he did was whine into the phone "Why are you doing this? It's seven in the morning!" because he didn't want to deal with my call. I'm writing a letter to my family and one to him, and then I'm leaving and going to kill myself. I can't take this pain and the knowledge that no one loves me. All this time I've been putting it off because I'm afraid of going to hell, but I'm going to hell anyway, so why not just rid myself of the pain that I have now?

I'm leaving now. It's almost peaceful now that I know.
 
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notwanting2live

Well-Known Member
#2
#2
but_not_today said:
Two horrible things happened back-to-back last night and this morning.
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Please dont leave us just yet, why dont you tell us what the two things where, maybe we can give you support. You can fight this, just try. I no that you have probably heard it all before, but you need to listen. You have a purpose in life, and this does not mean ending it early. We are here for you, for you to talk to us 24/7 if nessaccary. Please dont give up just yet. Talk to us.

:hugs:
Take Care
PM me anytime x post to let us know you are safe.

Xx Sky xX
 
gentlelady

gentlelady

Staff Alumni
#3
#3
I am sorry your friend wasn't more understanding. Sometimes people don't realize the severity of the situation or if they do they are afraid because they don't know what to do to help. Tell us about things and give us a chance to help support you. Please don't make any life altering decisions while you are feeling this way. :hug:
 
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but_not_today

Member
#4
#4
Thank you. I don't want to get too into things in my life because I really believe that my problems are stupid in the big scheme of things. Basically, it's become clear to me that my parents don't love me and my only friend doesn't care either. I knew this before I even called him and he had that reaction. I've gotten through many things in my life. I had severe OCD when I was a kid and my mom would yell and scream at me for doing my behaviors but she wouldn't get me help. I adapted and eventually beat it on my own. My sister and mother were physically and mentally abusive to me for years and years and I adapted and hid. My mother still hurts me. I was in an abusive relationship with a young man two years ago and all my parents did when they found out was forbid me to see him and blame me for years for being stupid and getting involved with him. I had a special friend for three years and being with him was the only thing that actually ever made me happy and three months ago he called me in the middle of the night to tell me that he didn't want to see me anymore. I'm tired of adapting and trying to "get through" situations. I just don't have it in me anymore to fight. I don't see a point. Fight for what? To be alone? I'm already 22 years old. I don't want to be middle-aged and alone.
 
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notwanting2live

Well-Known Member
#6
#6
but_not_today said:
Thank you. I don't want to get too into things in my life because I really believe that my problems are stupid in the big scheme of things. Basically, it's become clear to me that my parents don't love me and my only friend doesn't care either. I knew this before I even called him and he had that reaction. I've gotten through many things in my life. I had severe OCD when I was a kid and my mom would yell and scream at me for doing my behaviors but she wouldn't get me help. I adapted and eventually beat it on my own. My sister and mother were physically and mentally abusive to me for years and years and I adapted and hid. My mother still hurts me. I was in an abusive relationship with a young man two years ago and all my parents did when they found out was forbid me to see him and blame me for years for being stupid and getting involved with him. I had a special friend for three years and being with him was the only thing that actually ever made me happy and three months ago he called me in the middle of the night to tell me that he didn't want to see me anymore. I'm tired of adapting and trying to "get through" situations. I just don't have it in me anymore to fight. I don't see a point. Fight for what? To be alone? I'm already 22 years old. I don't want to be middle-aged and alone.
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if your problems are causing you distress and emotional discomfort, then they arent stupid, as they mean something to you good or bad. I respect that you dont want to discuss them, in time you may, in time you may not. But we are all here for you, please dont give up, especially not on love, and affection. PLease find the inner strength to keep on fighting.

take care

Xx Sky xX
 
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dazzle11215

Staff Alumni
#8
#8
it can take some time to get over being abused, please, give it some time and the support of a counsellor or other mental health professional. when we are abused, and i speak from personal experience here, we come to believe we are unlovable, are unworthy, and that there is something wrong with us. none of it is true. it's the only way we can cope with the fact that the people who are supposed to care for us neglected us. don't give up and don't give in to that urge to harm yourself.

instead, please add some coping resources other than that one friend who for unknown reasons can't give you the help you need right now. you have us at SF. you might try a suicide helpline (some ppl. have found help there, others have had bad experiences, so it's just a suggestion). you might be ready for counselling. sharing your feelings with us can be a great relief, and i hope it means you can defer acting on your plans for a few days at least. and then maybe a few days becomes a few weeks, and so on. please, don't give in to that urge to harm yourself.
 
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but_not_today

Member
#9
#9
Thank you for your kind words. I just can't do it anymore. The government screwed up sending me my stimulus check and my mom is yelling at me over the phone that it's my fault. I was trying to look into enrolling in the master's program at the university but they said that the bachelor's I have isn't good enough to enroll. I can't take that anymore. All this time, I have no friends and nothing to feel good about. Every time I try to make something good, it just turns out badly. It's just the universe's way of telling me to just die already. I'm tired of talking about it and thinking about it, I just want it done. I'm too old to try to make new friends or meet new people. No one wants me anyway once they know me.
 
Anju

Anju

Well-Known Member
#11
#11
.black-rose is right, there are plenty of people on here willing to listen to and try to support you. Feel free to message me if you need to talk :hug: stay safe.
 
S

supermodel

Well-Known Member
#12
#12
but_not_today said:
Two horrible things happened back-to-back last night and this morning. I called my only friend for help and all he did was whine into the phone "Why are you doing this? It's seven in the morning!" because he didn't want to deal with my call. I'm writing a letter to my family and one to him, and then I'm leaving and going to kill myself. I can't take this pain and the knowledge that no one loves me. All this time I've been putting it off because I'm afraid of going to hell, but I'm going to hell anyway, so why not just rid myself of the pain that I have now?

I'm leaving now. It's almost peaceful now that I know.
Click to expand...

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND HAVING PEOPLE AND FRIENDS AROUND YOU THAT JUST DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DEAL! I don't know whether to keep my mouth shut or what...I'm in the same predicament that you are in so I don't feel like I'm the best person to give advise but what I will say is live to fight another day. There must be something here if I'm still hanging on. I've survived two suicide attempts and am still fighting these stupid urges every frigging day. Take it one day at a time...like me...
 
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LenaLunacy

Well-Known Member
#14
#14
Don't give up right now hun. Things will work out for the best, even if right now they are going badly. There are so many things to live for. You just have to find them out, people who care aout you, all the people who have responded to your thread obvs care or why bother? I care. Am always here if you need a friend to talk to just stay with us :hug:
 
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