I can't do this much longer

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So before you read this, let me just warn you that I may rant a little but it really is the only way I can express how i've actually been feeling. So if you would rather not bother with my problems, than go ahead and ignore this post. Anyways, I'm 20 years old and have just begun college around a year ago in a new area about 8 hours from home. I came here with the mindset that I would leave everything behind and start a new, happier life. I was previously going to a therapist for depression, anxiety and insomnia issues. I have been suicidal in my past and it started somewhere around 16 years old. I have been to a psychiatric ward once and I checked myself in. After almost getting raped by a psychotic schizophrenic in the hospital, I have promised that I will never return, regardless of the situation. Today, I am much worse than before I moved away to college. The entire time I have been here I have been getting significantly worse and worse. Basically, I have no friends left anymore (all of my real friends lived back home and have since moved even further away). I also have not been in a relationship with a girl for 2 years now, my health has declined and I now drink several times a week and smoke pot constantly just to numb myself (I know this is a horrible idea but to be honest with you, at the point I'm currently at, I don't know how I haven't dug into heroin yet). I am currently in the mindset that I do not really want to live any longer but I couldn't kill myself yet because I wouldn't want to traumatize my family who are the last people I remain in contact with who I even care for at all. I was once decent looking but I feel like I am just killing myself this past year and I don't think I can ever get back in shape mentally or physically. I can't afford to cost my family any more money for therapy or anything else and I can't support any expenses due to the fact that I got a DUI about a year ago in what I would say was a half-assed suicide attempt. I would also like to mention that I have not had a job for a year now due to the DUI, which makes me feel that much worse about myself and I also attend AA meetings every week to avoid being sent back to jail. Not to mention, I no longer have my car and insurance will be way too expensive for me to afford for a long time. I have nothing to look forward to other than my education but recently I've found myself too physically sick to make it to school, so now I basically am costing my family a ton of money for me to fail classes. I know for a fact they would definitely be better off without me, financially and just in general. I want more than ever for my life to be normal but it never has which is why I don't feel it ever will. My life has always been shit compared to others. I was always made fun of at school, rejected by friends and girls, criticized for my appearance and intellect, and so on. It led me to go from an accelerated student to a fuck up who over-experimented with drugs in attempt to kill reality. I have no self-esteem. I no longer have any motivation. I've lost any social skills I might have had and I look like a ghost due to the fact that I lock myself in a dark room every day to avoid the misery that plagues me when I leave. This is not because of drugs either, the drugs came late and were basically my escape from everything I am mentioning. They sure as hell made things worse in the long run though. So I currently ask myself the following question on a daily basis: Why the fuck am I even here still honestly? Every night I spend about 10 minutes vulgarly cursing at god even though I am sure that he or it doesn't exist. Why do I do this you might ask? Because I wake up every day and see people who are happy. Men my age who have beautiful girlfriends, great families, a promising career and a large circle of friends. Girls who go to school because they enjoy it and don't have to worry about being excluded or made fun of. These people are mostly happy and their life problems in no way resemble my own. They are generally happy, energetic, supported individuals. I look at myself and see none of these things. All I want is to be that way. But it never happens. I never seem to get any good opportunities out of my life (especially anymore). I've always had a shitty job, misfit friends, and 99% of the time girls have ignored me. No one is just generally nice to me. Ever. And why? Why the fuck do I have to endure this every day? Why should I be forced to live like this for my whole life. Therapists tell me this will stop but when? Its been fucking 4 years and my life hasn't improved at all. I just want to buy a fucking gun already and blow myself away. The part that makes me the most angry is that I don't deserve to be like this. I never chose this. I was at once a very positive person, despite the fact that most people generally treated me poorly. I treat everyone I meet with the utmost respect and I am generally a nice and caring individual. I've always been extremely friendly and caring when it comes to others. I am not antisocial (well I guess until very recently) and I've had good people skills for the majority of my life. So to summarize my life today, I am completely miserable and have no desire to live at all other than the way it would affect my family if I did kill myself. I need someone who understands how to help someone like me. I feel completely alone, abandoned, worthless and sick. All I've ever wanted to do was help people but now I've realized that people have never really tried to help me. Every day I sit here alone, I feel more sick, more hostile, and more likely to act on my suicidal thoughts. I've lost faith in humanity as well as life. And don't even talk to me about religion. If god were a mortal being I would kill him as slowly and painfully as I possibly could. I'm not some crazy satanist or anything (in fact i'm now more of an agnostic) but if god actually was real and was responsible for everyone's own status and being including my own, than I would have a hell of a lot of hatred towards god. It pisses me off that the supposed creator of mankind would even allow people like me to be treated the way they do and exist in this state. At the very least, he or it could put me out of my misery. I shouldn't have to debate each day whether or not I'm going to have to pull a trigger on myself. I really have no other options now but to feel like this. I feel like the mere existence of someone as miserable as I currently am is cruel and the only explanation is that there is no god at all or, if there is, than it is an evil god. I cannot fathom a god that is not evil allowing me to feel as awful as I do all the time. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. And if i'm going to go that far, than I'd also like to add that it pisses me off much more that our supposed god could allow all the homicides, rapes, disease, theft, etc. that occur on this planet. There is obviously no god. I have a newly acquired hatred towards Christians because of the fact that they actually praise this imaginary being. A being that is responsible for genocide, disease, sickness, depression, natural disasters, the list goes on... And these fucking idiots actually praise this god! Why?!?
!? How about you walk a day in my shoes and see what you fucking think then. We'll see how much faith you have in this fucking “god” figure after that.


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i agree with the God thing - how could there be such a god that could allow suffering like this. i'm new on the board and am waiting for a recent post i put up to be approved by a moderator so was just cruising through posts when i was drawn to the "i can't do this much longer". i'm suicidal today - damn close to taking action. my mother committed suicide when i was 5 yrs old and it fucked me up for life. i currently am single with no kids so i don't think i will hurt anyone. i could relate to your story - being nice to everyone but suddenly realizing that no one has been nice to YOU! i don't know where the fault is here. i don't know if i don't let people close enough to me to help but sometimes i feel like there's no one in my court, no one to support or encourage me, no one that wants me. i don't know if i'm just feeling sorry for myself, but i feel like i need the help right now. are you on medication for depression? can you get social services? they help to at least get you off the bottom. i felt for you and am sad that you are 20 feeling this way. i would like to say it will get better but i can't back that up with anything except a sincere wish for it to be true. i'm 51, divorced female, and can relate to where you're at. if i could do something for you, i would. sometimes it helps me when i'm like this, to help someone else. i am a recovering alcoholic - sober 15 years - and when i'm in a pit, it really does help to help someone just getting sober, just deciding to go off to rehab or just thinking about stopping drinking. i hope you can find something to live for. take care.
Thank you for reading my post...it really meant a lot to me. And i was on Paxil but it caused further problems with my suicidal thoughts so I had to wean off. I don't really trust pharmaceuticals at the time being and I guess the drinking is more of just a self-hatred thing. I realize how much worse it makes me but I feel like I have no other option but death or intoxication sometimes. I hope everything is alright with you though. Things can get pretty down sometimes and it' always nice to know there's someone in the same position as yourself. The worst part of all this is that the more secluded and depressed you get, the less likely anyone will be able to help you with the issue. I don't know about you but I am definitely tired of having to pay for people to just listen to me. I feel like the therapists just count the minutes until they get paid and often just end up recommending more meds. I don't really have any friends anymore so I can't really talk to anyone else about this. All I ask for myself is someone else to give a shit. But in this sad world, I guess that doesn't come around very often. If only there were more people like us who understand what this feels like...
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