i cant do this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by blackening, Aug 5, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. blackening

    blackening Well-Known Member

    oh well, it seems that MY time is drawing closer with every second, i have but a few small things to put into place and then its over, i just can't go on feeling the way i do, i haven't even slept at all in over 72 hours. its just what happens, i stay awake for 3/4 days until exhaustion takes me out then i wake up feeling as low as i did originally.

    With regards to my previous post in these forums: "To anybody that feels suicidal", i meant it all and i sincerely hope that (preferably all of you) you can find some way of dealing with your feelings or circumstances, or find someone to talk you through them, before things go too far as they have with me, maybe im a coward for taking this road, but i honestly do not care what anybody thinks anymore..

    in my short time here at SF, although i posted very little i read a lot, and what i saw made me realise how little my life actually meant in comparison to other people on here, i hope that all of you can see how much other people DO actually care about what happens to you, some of the responses to threads within these forums were so meaningful that i've found myself in tears more than once just wishing that somebody was ever that concerned or ever felt that way for me, but i realise that it's just never to be for me, and who knows maybe i'm to blame, i haven't been the nicest of people for the duration of my life, i openly admit that i've been a complete c*nt to the majority of people throughout my life.

    i'm just not strong enough to deal with my problems, i like to think i am but im not, but i know plenty of you out there are, please stay strong the rest of you, you never know, maybe there will be something worth the struggle for you in the end.

    take care all of you
  2. twilightki

    twilightki Well-Known Member

    You are strong enough. You've gotten this far, why stop now? You also seem to understand that theres people in the world who care, and if you can understand this, no matter how down you are, no matter how strong your problems are, the people supporting you will never let you fall. Stay strong, and take care.
  3. blackening

    blackening Well-Known Member

    :unsure: i just think things have gone too far for me now, every time i try to rectify a problem it either gets worse or creates another one, i was told last night, by someone who was supposed to care, to "go ahead and kill yourself, what sweet fucking relief, cuz after u go, i go"... this was in the txt message i received, i was also told that the person in question told somebody else that they "hope he burns in hell" in reference to me.

    people tell me that im not actively trying to make my life better, but i dont know how i can do that anymore, my friends would rather judge me than help me, at the mention of suicidal thoughts i just get told how stupid i am, my family dont know even the half of what the past 5 years have given me so i cant talk to them, and when i've tried they're always too preoccupied.

    while im not going to make a rushed decision on anything i feel that its inevitable, i've waited and waited in the hope that things might change somewhere down the line, but its been in vain so far
  4. blackening

    blackening Well-Known Member

    And still is in vain judging by the conversation i've had tonight and the things i've been told.
    this is just really getting too much now
  5. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    you say in your 1st post that you have read threads on SF and responses have nearly made you cry, you expressed a wish for others to care about u as much as that.
    Stick with it hun and they will its just becouse we dont know you very well yet the more you chat the more we can understand, people here are very genuine and will help and support you please stay a while longer hun happy to talk to you anytime, dont do anything just now that option will always be there the chance to make frienships here wont be if you leave us now :sad:
  6. blackening

    blackening Well-Known Member

    i just can't do it, today is going from bad to worse, now the bitch of an exgf has decided to contact me again and have a go at me, because i have told someone im gonna beat the hell outta the guy she slept with, and telling me shes gonna kill herself so i'd "better hurry up and do myself".

    why the hell cant i be left alone? i was feeling a little better you know until today, the last few days i've been trying to get back to something resembling my regular life, nowhere near normal but then again i've never been normal so what does that matter, at least i could think of something other than ways to off myself every 5 minutes.

    i know that in time people may understand me better on here, but nobody is ever gonna be able to care the way they have/do for others because opening up in conversation isnt something im very good at so nobody will ever really know me, its the same problem ive had all of my life and something i tried to learn but couldnt. as i said in my other post i could have been called popular at 1 point in my life but God alone knows why, at the end of the day the person they all knew was a charade, a mask i wore to try and protect myself, that backfired in the end, i tried asking friends for advice on how to talk to people openly and all i got was laughed at, which was what led me into drugs and alcohol, i've just never recovered.
    so here i am, this empty shell of what i used to be, that has nothing of worth to offer to anybody. i've never even had anybody i could call a true friend in my whole life, i came close once, the guy that found me hanging, then he slept with a girl i was going out with. they say that with friends like that you dont need enemies, but i have plenty of those too, they're partly the reason im still here, if i hadn't been intent on vengeance and mainly just annoying them i would have left this forsaken existence long ago
  7. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    You say people wont care here for you becouse you cant open up im sorry but i must disagree becouse nobody will push u to talk u can say as much or as little as you wish, its the pain we all feel the not wanting to be here the struggling to see another day that we all understand, you never open up but thats ok if its right for you, i do think in time though you will learn that people here can be trusted your problems protected on the forum see how its goes hun you sound as if you could really do with a friend or friends right now pm anytime:hug::hug::grouphug:
  8. blackening

    blackening Well-Known Member

    thank you dawn, but i really think im done, i cant handle the mind games and betrayal anymore, i even received another text message from her tonight acting like everything was fine, and why, because she wanted to know something, wanted help from me, and i gave it like an idiot..... but im tired of being a resource for people that dont actually give a shit unless they get some kind of benefit, the well has now run dry
  9. ShalenaM

    ShalenaM Well-Known Member

    Ditto.I'm out.Sometime soon.
  10. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Find the strength to fight. If you don't then all that is left are questions, regret and what could of been.
  11. ScorchedInBlack

    ScorchedInBlack Active Member

    please don't do this I need you...please
    I can't do this alone
    but we can do it together
    you are all the strengh that I have I need you.
    i want you..to stay and to breathe and to be alive
    I want you to push past the pain.

    Please hang in there I can't hug you from here to wales but
    I can cry for you.

    I don't lie when I say I care,
    I love,
    and I feel your pain.


    please stay
  12. Vampyrica

    Vampyrica Member

    I think moving would beneft you. Meeting new people. And finding things in life you'd enjoy.
    Right now your stuck in a rut, you have a lot of bad memories where you are and need to break free of it before it destroys you completely.
    Your still breathing, and while theres air in your lungs you have a chance to better your life.
  13. blackening

    blackening Well-Known Member

    How dare you!! i cant believe you would sink so low as to join this site and try to "advise" me, you have caused me as much ill feeling as anybody in this world with your lies and false promises, you were supposed to be someone i could trust, someone who cared, but all you care about is yourself, go fuck yourself and leave me to die in peace you two-faced bitch...

    for the record to anybody wondering, yes i do know her outside of the internet and no this isnt the ex i referred to in earlier posts, this one was just another mistake in a lifetime of them
  14. blackening

    blackening Well-Known Member

    oh well, could be my final week here, if everything works out, which im hoping it will after the research i've done, i wont be back after saturday.

    i know i haven't really gotten to know anybody here or given anybody a chance to talk me through my problems, but in all honesty theres probably nothing anybody could say to me that i haven't already heard before.

    i do want to say thank you though, to the few people, they know who they are, that spoke to me in chat and things, and had conversations with me, regardless of what the topic was, so:
    Thank You!

    Anyway, im not gonna make this a long winded thing as i'm still gonna be here for the next couple of days, i just wanted to say goodbye while i still had the chance.

    Keep The Faith
  15. blackening

    blackening Well-Known Member

    to anyone who wondered or anyone who even gave a fuck, yes i failed, im a big fucking failure, got out of hospital yesterday, although im not out of the woods yet, docs wanted to keep me in hospital even longer, so fingers crossed
  16. blackening

    blackening Well-Known Member

    why do i even bother?! not like anyone cares anyway but tonight im outta here!!!
  17. Courthouse

    Courthouse New Member

    C'mon man. Yes you can. Stay in there. Please. I don't even know you, and this is making me terribly sad. Please don't do it.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.