I cant eat,,after losing my baby **Trigger**

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Nicki, Dec 29, 2008.

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  1. Nicki

    Nicki Active Member

    Hi all,,This new year it will be the 14 year anniversary for losing my little girl when i was pregnant with her at 6 months....I find xmas really hard time but having two other children i have to keep a brave face on for them....I have a lovely new partner that i have been with for almost two years now,,,Its just that he doesnt understand that i dont want to eat at the moment its the only way i let my pain out... I blame myself as i was the one that stayed with the monster that beat and raped me daily when i was pregnant with him...Anyother person would have gone but i hoped with me carrying his child he would change but i was wrong.....

    I have tried to talk to my current boyfriend about this time of the year and that i dont feel up to eating and i will be ok in the new year,, but its still affects me as i blame myself... I just dont know how to ex plane to my boyfriend without him worring...
  2. MAS

    MAS Active Member

    I know the pain you are going through, Nicki. I too lost a baby - my son, Joshua at 23 weeks pregnant. He is 6 years old now.

    No one can understand, unless they have actually been through it, what it feels like to actually have to go through delivering a baby knowing that baby is gonna come out dead. To see that little baby, hold that little baby, wishing that baby would just open it's little eyes and breathe. Then having to give up that little baby when you just want to hold it's little body forever.

    I made Joshua a little garden out the back where his ashes are buried. Birthdays and Christmas, I decorate his garden. I buy him a big helium birthday balloon and put it out there for him. I carry his picture on my mobile phone and have another by my bed. I have Joshua's name tattooed on my arm with a heart and wings.

    We all deal with things differently, Nicki, and you can't help it if you don't feel like eating right now. You are still grieving for your baby and Christmas and Birthdays are a particularly hard time when you have lost someone so dear.

    I'm thinking of you. xxx
  3. Locket

    Locket Well-Known Member

    not eating is quite a common way to deal with grief and depression and one that a lot of people can understand .. so if you try again, talking to your new partner, i'm sure he'll understand.
    on the other hand, you said you don't want to worry your partner which leads me to assume you don't eat at all for quite a long period of time, which has health risks as you know. in that case, he has the right to worry about you. explain to him that he shouldn't worry (as long as you're sure you are not putting yourself at risk from what you're doing).
    dealing with the reason of your grief with him there to support you should make it easier for you - let him know this and hopefully he can help you recover from this.

    i'm sorry for your loss. nobody can understand what each parent goes through when they lose a child - it's not natures normal way and is very upsetting. my thoughts are with you xx :hug:
  4. Nicki

    Nicki Active Member

    Thank you all.xx
  5. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Oh darlin i feel for you so much, :( i lost my beautiful daughter keyleigh 20 years ago at 20 weeks. I'm not going to tell you that you will get over it Becos you wont. You will however learn to deal with it.
    This is a very personal subject, everyone deals with it in different ways. If you want to talk about it some more please feel free to pm me anytime :hug:
    I will give you my mobile number if that will help :)
    Please dont suffer alone love, that never works.
    Lea :cheekkiss:
  6. jessikah2k8

    jessikah2k8 Well-Known Member

    I totally understand you. *hugs*

    You aren't alone. I had a miscarriage, probably due to not eating. It was in the middle of a break up and I was around 6-8 weeks pregnant. I lost the baby after not eating for about a week. I mean, I didn't eat and my sister was bouncing all over my stomach like a hyper shit. After a week, I miscarried.

    I found it hard eating etc, but it gets better I promise you. Surround yourself with family and friends and those who care about you.
  7. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I also feel for you Nicki, whilst I haven't lost a baby, I have lost a child, and Christmas is so hard. Trying to put on a brave face for everyone is also so hard. this is my 2nd Christmas.
  8. oh honey please pm whenever you need someone to talk to about this
    it is in no way your fault for what happened. i really dont know what else to say but i have been exactly where you are and i know its a rotton feeling to be blaming yourself.
    the constant what if's are really hard.
  9. Nicki

    Nicki Active Member

    I would like to say thank you to all of you....My little girl was taken from me on new years day at 3.15am..1995.....I wish that i took a pic of her to carry with me,,i dont have one,, my memory of the most beautiful little girl. And all i wanted was for her to cry and open her eyes..:sad:

    At home at the moment its like a war zone as much as my boyfriend says he understands he doesnt but i know that he must be trying.....He knows i'm upset at this time of year and he knows i'm short tempted but he keeps shouting at me all the time.....Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two years now....
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