I guess I'm ashamed. I feel ashamed. I'm ashamed because I know my life could be worse. I could be homeless, unemployed, malnurished. Of course I'm not any of those things. I just don't understand why I feel so miserable. Why things are taking a miserable turn for the worst. I try so hard to be a good person and to help out wherever I can. But it seems like every good thing I've done just makes everything else worse. I'm at the point now where I've started leaving work early to go home and drink by myself. Everytime I get in the car I want to steer right into oncoming traffic or off a bridge. When I'm home alone I think about climbing to the roof of my apartment building and taking a swan dive into the parking lot. I climbed it a few times, but haven't taken the plunge. I want to talk to my boyfriend about it, but he laughs when I say anything about killing myself. Then he reminds me of all the garbage he has to put up with day in and day out. It's pointless to try to get him to listen. I used to think it was my environment weighing me down so heavily. Then I moved to a brand new city over 8 hours from where I had been living. The scenery changed, but that worthless feeling never went away. It's gotten much worse. To be honest with everyone, I used to think that people who needed websites like this one were just being big crybabies. I guess I wasn't entirely wrong, as I have actually become one of those crybabies. Thinking about when I was a little girl and I tried to cut my heart out with a steak knife. I failed terribly because I hadn't considered how effective ribs are at protecting the heart. I'm much better educated now.