I can't even look anyone in the eye.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Zom-B, Jun 13, 2011.

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  1. Zom-B

    Zom-B New Member

    I guess I'm ashamed. I feel ashamed. I'm ashamed because I know my life could be worse. I could be homeless, unemployed, malnurished. Of course I'm not any of those things.

    I just don't understand why I feel so miserable. Why things are taking a miserable turn for the worst. I try so hard to be a good person and to help out wherever I can. But it seems like every good thing I've done just makes everything else worse.

    I'm at the point now where I've started leaving work early to go home and drink by myself. Everytime I get in the car I want to steer right into oncoming traffic or off a bridge. When I'm home alone I think about climbing to the roof of my apartment building and taking a swan dive into the parking lot. I climbed it a few times, but haven't taken the plunge.

    I want to talk to my boyfriend about it, but he laughs when I say anything about killing myself. Then he reminds me of all the garbage he has to put up with day in and day out. It's pointless to try to get him to listen.

    I used to think it was my environment weighing me down so heavily. Then I moved to a brand new city over 8 hours from where I had been living. The scenery changed, but that worthless feeling never went away. It's gotten much worse. To be honest with everyone, I used to think that people who needed websites like this one were just being big crybabies. I guess I wasn't entirely wrong, as I have actually become one of those crybabies.

    Thinking about when I was a little girl and I tried to cut my heart out with a steak knife. I failed terribly because I hadn't considered how effective ribs are at protecting the heart. I'm much better educated now.
     
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :hugtackles: I understand exactly what you are going through. I suffer in a similar way despite my success. To make matters worse I work in a 28 story building.

    We all have our ups and downs. Just because you make more money and have a seemingly easier life than others does not mean you cannot feel sadness.

    :mhmm: In a year I hope to join you in the moving far away club. Why not go off and explore? I always enjoy a good exploration of a new place. I find all the best routes for walking.

    As for your boyfriend. Is he happier than you? Maybe next time he wants to make you feel bad. Engage him, ask him about how he keeps his head up through all the crap. I know how hard it can be to be around others who think suicide is for the bottom feeders of society.

    What do you think is missing from your life? That is the question you need to ask. Why is there a hole in your soul? Do not say "I don't Know". Sit down and REALLY think. I can tell you my holes. Identifying the problem helps you fix it. Just knowing there is a problem will not do you any good.
     
  3. Craig

    Craig Banned Member

    It dosnt sound like you have the healthiest relationship if he shrugs off you saying you want to kill yourself. I feel that in order to get better you need to figure out where these feelings are coming from so you can adress the issue. Is there anything in your life you have not delt with yet?
     
  4. Zom-B

    Zom-B New Member

    I've played around with the idea of starting a clean slate in a new city again. But, like this last time, it probably won't make a difference. People and jobs and entertainment and criminals and cops - everything is the same everywhere, even if it looks and smells like something better.

    There's no way my boyfriend is happier than I am. He has so many troubles, I feel guilty for bringing up my own. I feel like even if I can understand what he's going through, I couldn't tell him, because how could I really understand?

    I very much dislike exposing my friends and loved ones to my worries because for one thing, I worry about a bunch of stupid bull that I should be able to get right over. And for another thing, they have their own problems and troubles and need not be concerned with my petty complaints.

    Consider that my reason for turing to an online forum.

    I feel like the only way I can get trough the day is with three shots of whiskey, a bowl and ... that's it. Without those two drugs I can't bring myself to even get up or leave my apartment. It makes my boyfriend angry when I turn to weed and alcohol, but he only puts me on a guilt trip over it. But, as I said before, I feel like I can't express myself or even explain myself to him.
     
  5. Zom-B

    Zom-B New Member

    I suppose there are a number of things I've been keeping to myself, things that may be a factor in my condition. But these events are from years the past and talking about them now can't change anything. It just makes me feel worse to even think about them.
     
  6. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey Zom-B - shame is often a 'side effect' of depression. When depressed we can often feel that our concern is trivial - but you cannot measure a persons hurt from one to the other - you cannot compare your pain to others, not even other depressed people who all have their own unique experience.

    We have things in common though - and shame is very common with depressed people - be it shame for just being depressed or sometimes the shame comes when people have been abused and ill-treated.

    Talking about things cannot change the past but it can change your perception of how you see the past and how you handle it and maybe come to terms. Depression can happen with no particular reason - but you hint that there is something in the past that shaped it - it is up to you whether you wish to unburden yourself of this. You can keep your own counsel if you wish - but you are anonymous here - nobody who knows you knows who you are here, so you have that confidentiality if you need it.

    You do need help with the depression. Alcohol and weed is not going to help - one or the other might be acceptable if you were feeling better - but for now the usage of these drugs is a kind of sticking plaster on a wound that needs attending to.

    Medication would be a better option - worth a try if your daily routine is getting you really down.

    I also think therapy would help - because you almost seem to be answering your own question with respects to what you need to do.

    Whatever has hurt you in the past - your boyfriend has not picked up on it, you hide it and maybe his response to your talk about suicide is not helping. You should NEVER laugh off talk of suicide - but sometimes even people who love us are unable to respond in an appropriate manner.

    Good luck - and hope you get some help and start to get to a point whereby you can look anyone in the eye.

    Good luck and God bless.
     
  7. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    First of all, please do not feel ashamed. How big a deal things are to different individuals is different…

    Also, do not try too hard to be a good person. Accept and love yourself unconditionally. Being yourself with your kind intentions is good enough already. Who is to say what a “good person” is?

    You said “But it seems like every good thing I've done just makes everything else worse.” Please allow me to point out that “seems” is the key word here. The truth may not be as it “seems”. You may have done a lot more good than your mind may think…

    About the past, you already know we cannot do anything to change the past, nor do we need to. Our life experiences are for us to learn lessons…to build us up…not to tear us down. Also, be aware that our life experiences cannot really define who or what we truly are. When thoughts about the past come again, just be aware of them and watch them diminishing knowing that they are just memories and (judgemental) thoughts - they are no longer the reality…

    You may find the video clip below helpful:

    Your Thoughts Make You Suffer ~ Eckhart Tolle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_eASmGTd00

    Eckhart Tolle used to be suicidal, too…he says in the video “I have suffered enough. There is another way to live…” His book "The Power of Now" can be very helpful, too. Here is a link to free download of the book in PDF (his suicide story can be found on page 8):

    http://www.holybooks.com/wp-content/uploads/The-Power-Of-Now-EckhartTolle.pdf

    I encourage you to focus on the now. Only “NOW” is real. All we ever have is “NOW”. I believe you can find the strength to find the way out…

    Wish you well!
     
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Everyone suffers in some way or another. I find it hard to talk about my troubles when they seem so trivial.

    Have you ever thought about seeing a doctor? Maybe replace the weed and booze with anti-depressants?
     
  9. Zom-B

    Zom-B New Member

    @LoveBeing: How can I love myself unconditionally if all I see in myself are all the things I hate about myself?

    @PeaceLovingGuy: My concerns really art trivial. I get myself so worked up over things like "how other people respond to me" and I compulsively bite my tongue so I don't say anything that a person might think was stupid or dull.. I'm not clever and I'm not cheeky. I'm very blunt and it really bothers me.

    @Forgotten Man: CC@PeaceLovingGuy: I cannot consider therapy or prescription anti-depressants for a few reasons. Firstly, I'm uninsured and don't make much more money than I need to keep my lights on. Also, I almost couldn't bring myself to go see a doctor about something so undefined as depressions. Again, makes me feel like a big crybaby who can't take care of herself.




    I want my little cousins and nieces and nephews to look up to me as someone they want to grow up like. I want to be smart and respectable and able to hold my own head above water.

    I can't rely on something or someone else.
     
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :whack:.... Sorry :console: Stop thinking like that. You are entitled to have weakness just like anyone else. There will always be someone who is worse off than you. Especially when you live in a more developed country.

    What happens when these cousins, nieces, and nephews find out you need to drink to get through the day? I think your boyfriend is a bigger part of this problem then you realize. When I had a girlfriend.... ish person. She was way worse off than me. She had a crappy job in a terrible neighborhood. She lived with her mother. Despite those things, when I was down she was there to console me. She would come over and sit on my lap.... She was tiny I had about a foot on her. Anyway she would snuggle up on my lap and console.
    Have you ever really thought about what is missing in your life?
     
  11. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Zom-B - are you not entitled to some health care?

    As for going to the doctors over something as 'undefined' as depression - your wrong to assume it is undefined. In the UK geneticists are mapping the DNA and think they have identified various genes causing depression.

    In Canada, depression is being treated in a pioneer technique which involves a operation under local anaesthetic whilst a thin wire is placed in a certain region of the brain. This is connected to a small 'pace-maker' which in turn sends small electrical signals to the brain which have seen some patients feel better than they have for years.

    There are a myriad of drugs out there - more being invented and many others patented decades ago but perhaps not used for depression. Ketamine is an animal tranquilliser, but even that has been used in trials and has been effective in small doses.

    Depression is not the 'great unknown' it used to be. It has been defined for millennium as melancholy - noted by the Ancient Greeks, Egyptians, Persians and more besides.

    Your doctor will not think depression is undefined or trivial. Nor will he or she think you need a reason for being depressed because this illness can strike anyone, be they strong and outgoing or confident and extremely good looking.

    Hope you revise your view of depression. You are not a 'cry-baby' because depression can take down the strongest of people - it is NOT a sign of some weakness and you really cannot help feeling depressed.

    Regards.
     
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