I can't even pick up the phone to say goodnight

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jacob91, Sep 17, 2009.

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  1. Jacob91

    Jacob91 Member

    Without digging my grave deeper.

    I cared way too much
    Was way too open
    Thought we could meet halfway
    Didn't think that she'd get sick of me
    I was too confident
    And not confident enough
    I couldn't make her orgasm
    I am a shitty guy to be around
    I have nothing going for me
    I'm self defeating
    I'm not worth the time
    I can't make anyhting
    I waste my time
    I play video games
    I look liek shit
    I can't do a lot
    I never made her happy
    She was thinking about it for a long time
    She knew
    I cared too much
    I LOST MYSELF over her
    I was too confident that it would all work out
    I was too insistent
    I was around her too much
    We took each other for granted
    I was distant
    I had too much shit in between
    I have nothing tangible to offer her
    I'm a weak guy
    She can't latch on to me
    I'm too much alike her
    And too much different
    I'll never really measure up to the new guy
    Even if I slave my life away
    So why do I try? Because I have never had happiness any other way. My life's shit because I traded it all for the concept of her, and she lived up and surpassed every expectation I had.
    I put her on the pedestal
    And pined away at our separation
    I'm just not nearly as fun to be around
    As I am to talk to
    The idea of me
    Is better than I really am
    So my vessel has no business.
    I just wish I could know for sure that my mind takes eternity with it
    I don't want to think about it any more
    All that I invested
    All that I lost
    The lonely cacophony of my dissonance.
    My sole and only and reason to stick around
    Give me reason to live and die
    But I want to stay around to make sure she doesn't have a bad day
    She says she cares, but that has to be a lie
    Even though she was the only person that could have told me the truth in saying that, by supporting me no matter what,
    If she cared, she couldn't dump me for someone she barely knows.
    We were together for so long, and I propound everything I hate in separation
    I can't control my honesty
    I don't connive to get her back through lies and false promises.
    I say the truth even if it gets me in trouble
    I can't ever even look at another girl the way I am
    I'm too loyal
    Too attached, too easily
    Too weak, too decent of a person
    Too quick to weep
    Too easily destroyed
    Too eager
    Too much of everything bad
    and not enough of anything good
    She was the only person that ever showed affection to me. I love her with more than I'm worth.
    I don't have patience to wait as her fallback plan
    If she cared she would know and come back
    Because she's all I have.
    But I'd rather waste away in silence than make her unhappy for a moment.
    I'm just too fucking pathetic.
    Goodbye everyone. I'm leaving soon. this is my way of telling you I'm heading east
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Jacob have you spoken with a therapist or a counselor?? They can help you shed light on all that has happened.. My ex destroyed me when she started cheating on me.. Hell we weren't even seperated for three months and she married the guy.. Speaking from experience you will get past this.. You will never forget but will be able to carry on.. I know it doesn't seem that way right now but it will happen.. You are still in the greif stage..I wish you luck!!!
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey i hope you do hang on because if you found her there will be others out there that care. There will be others who see your kindness and your compassion. There a alot of lonely people who need companionship and love reachout get involved into something you like and meet people with your interest. Don't give up on love yet go out and find it. Get yourself well and strong so when you are out there looking they will see the strength and the care you give yourself and will be more attracted to you.. sorry your feeling so down but now time to get out and find someone new.
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