I cant fight it

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by White Dove, Jul 13, 2007.

  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    I cant fight it... there is just no way i can win....

    This stupid cancer is going to win... it is going to win and i cant do a damn thing about it...


    Why God?

    Why did you give me this cancer? Why did i have to get it for? Have i not been through enough hard ships in my life?

    Why do you continualy do this? Why do i always have to be the one who gets stuff like this? Why couldnt my life be fair? why couldnt i have had a good life? Why take my mom when i was 15 ? Why allow me to meet them ( D AND E ) and then have them just walk out of my life..? They meant the world to me yet you just let them walk out....

    Im mad God.. Im mad at myself for not killing myself a while back... Im mad that the stupid police had to interfer with my life and call the stupid ambulance that day... Why the crap did they do that? now i have to go through more stuipid pain... Now i have to die a slow death... IT IS NOT FAIR... MY LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN FAIR TO ME AT ALL...

    I cant beat this.. i cant win... my mom couldnt win and now i cant win...

    theres no one there for me.. no one... they would not believe me so why do i even need to even try to tell them... heck i cant even get your minister , your man of God to even forgive me , let alone let me say goodbye to them... Heck i was so stupid that i even wrote opra... i wrote her asking for a dying wish to ease my mind and make things right but i cant even do that..

    i might as well give it... i cant do this anymore.. i just cant... i cant stand the fear.. i cant stand the pain... i have tried , God you know i have tried. i have tried to live my life the way you want me too. , yet you allow this to happen to me.. why?? Why allow it? Why allow me so much friking pain???

    What purpose does it solve? What good does it do for me to suffer? I dont want to lose you.. I dont want to lose my faith in you but it is so hard to stay strong when i get delt with so much... Is it asking too much of you to ease up on me?? Ease up on this pain? Ease up with the stupid hardships? I have had enough and i cant take much more.. i just cant.....

    why do i have to be tormented like this? if your going to take me then take me and get it over with but stop this friking pain... I have had enough... I give up.. i give up on everything. i give up on fighting... i give up on wanting to make things right with 2 people whom i dearly love who you know doesnt give a damn about me so what the hell am i so worried about waiting around to make things right with them for anyway.. it is not worth it..

    i am not worth it. i give up.. i cant fight anymore.. i am not that strong.. i give up....

    they never cared anyway for me.. i was just so stupid to believe in them. to believe they loved me.. why would i even want to wait around for.. it is not worth it.. i would be waiting and waiting around forever cause they never will call or come by to see me then mayube come by at my fdeath bed.. well i dont want them around me on my death bed if they cant come around when i need them then why do it when im almost dead. i give up.. i totally give up...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2007
  2. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    try not to give up as hard as it is, do you have any medical support at home for your cancer? what meds are you being given for pain relief? they clearly dont seem to be doing the trick perhaps you need another pain control assessment.
    You say you dont want to loose your faith, i dont think you will its largely becouse you are suffering not just physically but emotionally as well thats a huge burden to bear, i lost several friens in a short space of time we always say he only takes the good ones when they are young!! thats not much comfort to you right now but if your faith is important to you and your threads suggest that to be the case perhaps you can seek just a little comfort, you really do need to get better pain control and im so sorry to hear your story its so very sad please pm any time im so sorry i cant be much more help
    :hug: