I can't fight this.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by feathers, Dec 19, 2010.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I don't have the depressive suicidal feelings like I am used to, but I am just struggling to cope with everything and death seems easier than having to face the rest of my life the way I know I am going to.

    I was diagnosed with borderline traits (I have all of them...) but the psych won't even diagnose me with the disorder so there's my first block to recovery.

    Secondly I know that, to recover, I will have to change everything I've ever known. I'll have to completely change myself and my behaviour. But I CAN'T. I can't do it. The way I behave is such an integral part of me and it is IMPOSSIBLE to change!!! The way I'm constantly paranoid about other girls talking to my partners. The way I need people to need me even if I have no particular interest in them, and the amount it kills me if they don't, especially when I do have an interest in them.

    And my interests are obsessive. I get obsessed with people. Then 5 minutes later I hate them because they don't behave the way I want them to.

    There's so much to go through here I can't even be fucked to mention it all. There is so much!!! I try to change even one of these things and it is such an enormous task! I can't do it! I can't fucking change myself. It's too difficult.

    So either I spend years trying to change who I am, the most difficult thing I will ever do, and lose myself in the process, or live like this the rest of my life and have damaging fucked up relationships and 20 billion guys after me because I made it that way and doing stupid impulsive things that get me in trouble or get people to dislike me. Or I fucking kill myself and save myself the bother!!

    This would be much easier if I was depressed again, but I'm not depressed, I'm just sick of it!! If I was depressed I get impulses to kill myself, so I could just give in do it and not have to fucking bother changing myself or living a fucking miserable life full of ridiculous amounts of drama.

  2. Cute_Angel_Xx

    Cute_Angel_Xx Account Closed

    Hi Kazine,

    Sorry to hear about everything you are going through it seems like theres alot of stress in your life you are unable to handle, do you get therapy/couselling?

    It may seem like theres NO possible way to recover and it will take years, but if you really do want to recover you wouldn't give up trying so many people love you and do caare about if you look around :)

    Think of how many people would be in tears if you were to attempt and succed suicide, even if you think it's no one trust me it's a lot.

    Please keep going, were always here for you *hug* x
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your reply. I know a lot of people would be hurt if I were to die. I just know how many people I hurt by sticking around :(.

    I'm supposed to be getting some form of therapy but I just keep getting passed around from mental health team to crisis team to psychiatrist to mental health team :(. Initial assessment after initial assessment and no progress.

    Thanks for your reply.
  4. Cute_Angel_Xx

    Cute_Angel_Xx Account Closed

    Have you spoke to them about why you are always passed on telling them you are fed up? As it may help to let them know and it could be resolved, how do you feel about that?

    You said you don't know how many people you'll hurt by staying around, what do you mean? I'm sure that everyone cares about you hun, you just haven't seen it yet, there is soooooo much more in the world all out there, please promise you will be safe tonight?
  5. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I will be safe tonight. Thank you. I have been a lot more suicidal than this and done nothing about it. It will not be until I am the very midst of a terrible depression that I ever attempt.

    :hug: thank you.
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