I don't have the depressive suicidal feelings like I am used to, but I am just struggling to cope with everything and death seems easier than having to face the rest of my life the way I know I am going to. I was diagnosed with borderline traits (I have all of them...) but the psych won't even diagnose me with the disorder so there's my first block to recovery. Secondly I know that, to recover, I will have to change everything I've ever known. I'll have to completely change myself and my behaviour. But I CAN'T. I can't do it. The way I behave is such an integral part of me and it is IMPOSSIBLE to change!!! The way I'm constantly paranoid about other girls talking to my partners. The way I need people to need me even if I have no particular interest in them, and the amount it kills me if they don't, especially when I do have an interest in them. And my interests are obsessive. I get obsessed with people. Then 5 minutes later I hate them because they don't behave the way I want them to. There's so much to go through here I can't even be fucked to mention it all. There is so much!!! I try to change even one of these things and it is such an enormous task! I can't do it! I can't fucking change myself. It's too difficult. So either I spend years trying to change who I am, the most difficult thing I will ever do, and lose myself in the process, or live like this the rest of my life and have damaging fucked up relationships and 20 billion guys after me because I made it that way and doing stupid impulsive things that get me in trouble or get people to dislike me. Or I fucking kill myself and save myself the bother!! This would be much easier if I was depressed again, but I'm not depressed, I'm just sick of it!! If I was depressed I get impulses to kill myself, so I could just give in do it and not have to fucking bother changing myself or living a fucking miserable life full of ridiculous amounts of drama. UGHHHH.