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I cant figure a way out

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by akyag, Feb 28, 2009.

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  1. akyag

    akyag Member

    Hello everyone,
    i am 20 year old guy from india. This is what happened to me, I was studying engineering and in the 1st sem, i failed in 4 out of 5 subjects. This was a bomb on me, i have never failed like this in my life, i did not gave up, tried to clear those subjects in 2nd sem but i was not able to concentrate. I was not able to get this thing out of my head. so i dropped out. My doc said i am having vitamin B12 defficiency, i also completed that med course to raise my B12 %.
    I really dont know what to say... it just.. well i am pretending to all my frnds and other relatives that i am still doing engineering.... i just cannot take my failure...i dont know why... i think because our society where there is a huge pressure of studies on us.. why we cant just do what we want? ... here engineers from good colleges are not getting any jobs.. then what chance do i stand? I am doing this pretending for last year.... i cant do this anymore.... i love my parents , they are really good.... i am a single child and i feel that i have disappointed them a lot. i really hope that they would have had a son who would have made them proud...
    I tried to search for alternatives... some of my frnds from my jr. col know about this... they said to me that do a course in any other sub.. but i cant lift a book in my hands now so studying it is out of question...
    Well you guys must think that this is not a cause for ending one's life but believe me, where i live i dont have any present and any future. We are middle class and are not rich so there is no chance of starting something by my own...
    I tried to change this situation through the last year... i am constantly keeping my mind out of these suicidal thoughts..... and I dont want to commit a suicide... i know this world is beautiful.... i want to live but i cant figure out how.....
    can anybody please have a say?
  2. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi. i am glad you came here. it is positive that you are reaching out.
    do not let go of that part of you. . that did reach out....ok?

    i understand those strong suicidal feelings . . . most of us here, at s.f. DO.
    we will stand by you and you can lean on us when it is all too much to bear on your own...

    your life is too precious, too valuable, to waste. to toss. stay. lean on us . . . we are '''stronger together''''. . .

    and you are right. this world IS beautiful. you know why? have u figured that part out yet??((i am old......45.........)) and it is because of love. there are things so beautiful to see, that we love them. there are books so beautifully written........that we love them. there are songs. . . . that are so lovely we cry. there are people. . . that we treasure.

    hold on to that part of you that sees the beauty.........in LIFE.
    pm me anytime, if you want to talk. if you want to vent, rant, ok. i'm here

    we are all here for you.
    and you need to stay. b/c the world is less, we are less, without you.
  3. SadPandaBear

    SadPandaBear Well-Known Member

    Hey, I totally understand where you are coming from.

    I attempted college a few years ago and failed so bad I dropped out, then I tried again 2 yrs ago, and failed again... and then I had to lie that I was still enrolled for over 2 yrs.

    It was terrible. since then i've pushed everyone away, i've retreated to being alone most of the time (i hate lying) and its so exhausting keeping up the fake "everything in school is going great" crap that I did for so long.

    Now I have people demanding proof of my degree, which I cant give them.. so I have to find some way of getting away from them or faking a degree certificate.

    I know how hard it is when you feel like you have to live up to everyones expectations. Im only just starting to realize that I dont want to anymore!
    And i'm tired of always being there to help people.. and running to join them in their situations out of pressure that I have to always say yes.

    you dont always have to say yes.
    You dont always have to suceed.
    Sometimes life happens in weird ways, and you really arent meant to do engineering.
    Give yourself time to relax, and reflect maybe you will see something else you really should be doing instead.

    I did.
  4. akyag

    akyag Member

    thanks to both of u for your thoughts...
    I dont think u know about our culture and how our society thinks... i dont have any chance now...
    well i was waiting eagerly for something to happen in my life to change things around... and now i am tired of it... i used to believe in god... but now i dont... I have never done anything bad in my life... i always help others when they need the most... i do care about people, i am caring... i love my cat.... but then i dont know what i did to deserve life like this... i am tired now...
    i dont give a damn about other people now... i hate to socialize... yesterday i watched the movie Into the wild... I would want a life like that.... just me and nothing else.... no people, no society, nothing.....
  5. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    There is huge pressure on young Indians to achieve. Ive witinessed this first hand to some extent. You need to get back on the horse and find a new subject you could be passionate about. University administration is pretty understanding of these issues, they could find you alternatives. My advice is to ask the administration, see where you stand, then tell your parents whats happened, cause honestly you cant move forward until you do. At least if you are informed about the options you can give them an idea of where you stand, rather than them just getting totally dismayed about the whole situation, and you feeling even worse. You want a career with prospects? Study environmental engineering, or environmental science. Seriously, there is a HUGE future in these areas, and from what Ive seen so far, very few Indians seem to be going into this area. You would occupy a niche, rather than competiting with thousands of engineers, computer science, and medical science grads. Your skills would be in demand in many places, and in India I can see huge demand for jobs of this type because of the population v environmental problems you face. Urban Planning could also be a great option in a country with such a vast population.

    Ya like you people get me down sometimes. I see so much potential, and yet I hate a lot about humanity at the same time. You just need to sit down and take a few steps. First step is talking to your faculty staff/tutors/teachers.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey akyag,
    Welcome to the forum!! It sounds like a major depression..You loose the motivation it takes to succeed when you are depressed..I too was an avid reader for years, always had a book in my hands.. Now I can't even get past one chapter..It's all depression..You should seek professional help to learn to cope with this and to put some passion back in your life..
    You say you are always helping others..Why don't you change your major to some thing in mental health. Like being a therapist.. They make good money..Hell my therapist gets $140.00 an hour..She bills me $40.00 and my insurance $100.00.. I know in your culture there are very few in the mental health field..Mu neices husband is Indian.. He majored in accounting and is making over $100,000 a year as a corporate accountant..
    You really need to seek help you can't do it on your own..Take care!!
  7. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way about failing my family and I'm considerably older than you. It's actually extremely common for people your age to start and stop school, change majors, change jobs, etc. People always say the time you think about your career is/should be when you're 16-18 so you can prepare. But that is really misleading because being a teenager is NOTHING like being an adult and our attitudes change a lot as we get a little bit older.

    I did the exact same thing as you when I was about the exact same age. I was mostly internally depressed though and wasn't thinking about failing my family at the time. But recently, I have felt that way a lot. I feel like I've failed everybody. I think that every person is different in what will work for them and what will make them happy. I have certain things I have to do in my life to really feel well, some of which are eating right (and the right foods), drinking a lot of water, taking my medication. Exercise is a huge deal for mind and body. I exercise more than anyone I know but I had a cold last week so I didn't. :sad:

    Before you even mentioned the B vitamin deficiency, my mind began to wander in that direction of a nutritional deficiency as I have had experience with such things in my own life. I would try to put a (metaphorical) big magnifying glass over your health and make sure you sleep, drink water, eat properly, take a multivitamin, exercise, etc. That's the first thing, I think... Then, once you are sure to be on the good path health-wise, you can start to see if there are elements in your life which aren't helping you do what you want to do. :biggrin:

    Well, hope that helps a little bit at least.
  8. akyag

    akyag Member

    thanks , u have said some thing that i really agree with. I always want to start newly but i cant, i have lost my will to do something and prove everybody wrong. And now i just want to run from everything keeping myself occupied with something... unless i see really good opportunity or maybe a miracle , i dont see myself pushing through this. Maybe i am too weak...:sad:
    to some previous replies, i am not hiding this from my parents. they know everything. They are just giving me time to decide on my own. and to all other people, if my lies get caught , i cant stand on my feet again i guess..
    that would be the end...
  9. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    Failure is part and parcel of life. Perhaps engineering is not your cup of tea cos if it was, you would have fared better. Perhaps you can consider other major options. Not everyone is suitable for engineering courses. Doesnt mean that you fared badly in this major, you will screw up in all other majors. Failure is never final unless you stop trying. Don't give up thambi. You are simply too hard on yourself. If you dont fare well in your studies, it's not the end of the world. You can always do other things like sales or do your own business. Cross the bridge only when you come to it. Do not think so far ahead cos if you do, you will be really frightened. Take one step at a time. You haven't even completed your education and you have already condemned yourself to a hopeless life. relax dude.
  10. akyag

    akyag Member

    I feel heavy weight on my chest..... I cant take this anymore....
  11. akyag

    akyag Member

    Hi everyone,
    I have not been here for quite a while now. How is everyone? I dropped by to say Hi.
    I was busy all this time developing this - http://weboreviews.com
    Tell me what you guys think of it. I would appreciate if you do not mention SF on that site.
    take care. :)
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