I can't find a single thing I'm looking forward to.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by blackbirdfly, Mar 4, 2013.

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  1. blackbirdfly

    blackbirdfly Well-Known Member

    This is my biggest reason for posting -- I can only get so far trying to reason with myself on why I want to live before I realize I can't think of anything. I mean, I have plenty of things that ordinarily would make people happy: decent family situation, good grades in school, decent looks, girlfriend, etc., but they don't take away any of my desire to end my life.

    What frightens me most is when I start to think about what I want from life, if I could get everything I wanted. I don't want money, I don't want drugs, I don't want friends, I don't want a close family, I don't want fame. I literally can only think of a few things would make me "happy" (meaning not thinking about suicide) and that would be getting to live in the middle of nowhere away from everyone and everything, with my girlfriend, just us, alone until we die. But when I think about going through the "normal" life, even being with her, I still just want to die. I guess I just have too much pain attached to everything that is around me and I can't do anything or go anywhere without thinking about all the pain.

    Not really sure what I'm asking for in this post. Probably just to vent. I just sound stupid, but I couldn't keep this to myself and I don't talk to anyone in my life about me. I don't know what I'd want to tell them. I don't feel like I have anything that defines me, I just feel like an empty human being with no purpose who just slipped through the cracks.
  2. DepletedOne

    DepletedOne Member

    For me, I kind of feel like Tom Hanks in the movie Castaway –*always stranded on an island and hating it, but then I can't really deal with reality when I'm in it.

    But at the end of the movie, Hank's character tries to explain how he lives to someone. He says something like, "I don't know why I kept going on. It just seemed like there was something waiting out of sight, so I just kept going." Of course he's saying this at the end when things are working out. But that really clicked with me. I just kind of keep going on because I can sense that there is something, something better. I've let go of the idea that, because I don't know what the future brings, it's not worth waiting for.
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hey blackbird. Nice name. I am really glad you found this place. Because you CAN talk about how you feel here. I had a thought. Often ( not always ) people have an metaboloc thing that can make them feel this way. Once that is balanced, life can get better. I was wondering if you have ever thought of being assessed for that? I have. And so have many people I know.

    Personally I think that there are some unusually awesome people out there who are different from the regular every day people. Thats a compliment. They cannot find a comfortable place to fit in the structure as it exists. Also a compliment. And that can result in other stuff like depression, hopelesness and wanting to die. I have seen it with some very awesome people. Some have actually gotten relief from rx medication. Not to change who they are. But to just make it so they can do life more easily. Can you make a guess about what the root of it is for you?

    You sound like a great person ( I do not say that often). I hope you will hang out here and post as often as you want. At the very least, theres a good support system. And sometimes some good suggestions. Take good care of you. AND please stay alive !!
  4. blackbirdfly

    blackbirdfly Well-Known Member

    That's perfect. I do try to look at it like that too, I know the misery I'm experiencing now isn't going to last forever, but sometimes the feelings just outweigh any rational thoughts I can have about it all -- and that's why I'm here. But you're right, I always try to keep that sense of supreme hope going, it's all I got.

    And I can really relate to his experience on the island. I spend most of my life isolating from people and feeling miserable and alone, but when I get some exposure to the world outside of me, I long to just go back into isolation, so I do. And then the loneliness sets in and the cycle continues. But thanks DepletedOne
  5. blackbirdfly

    blackbirdfly Well-Known Member

    Thank you flowers!! I just hope I don't talk too much. I tend to do that when I find people in this world who actually TRULY listen. I don't believe I'm at a high risk to actually kill myself, but I alwaaaaays have the feelings. They hang over me like an invisible cloud that only I know is there. I just want to be able to be the happy person I know I am deep down, and share that guy with everyone I know, but I just get too miserable and isolate from everyone instead.

    What is the metabolic assessment you mentioned? Do they test levels within your body or is it just like an assessment for a therapy? Because I've been to many therapists (not currently, i need to get one again though). I've been on various medicines: ADD meds, beta blockers, SSRI's -- and although some have helped, overall they never can beat the overwhelming feelings I have on a daily basis. But hopefully I'll figure something new out.

    so yeah, I'll definitely keep in touch. This forum has been very warm and welcoming so far, needed that.
  6. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    Yeah, hang in there blackbird. You do have a lot to live for. Unfortunately people like us have those chemicals in our brain that mess us up, it sucks. Hang in there though. You sound like a very smart person. I have high hopes for you.
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hey, its great if you talk a lot. Well, I talk way too much. No one seems to complain, lol. So keep talking. Its great. I too feel like I will not actually kill myself. But the feeling sure is there. The longing, the desire, etc. But really, I dont want to hurt people. And what if I actually did kill myself and then found out that there was something useful and good that I could have lived for.

    When I was talking about the whole metabolic thing it was my way of suggesting that you might want to be assessed to see if meds would help. But you already did that. Still, you might find one that works well.

    I still think that the world as it is may not be ready yet for you. That you are a bit ahead of the game. Just a feeling. But a good one. One that has huge hope for you in the future. Just hang in there. And hang out here. As much as you want ! Above all, keep staying alive. the world needs you.
    btw, did you choose the name blackbird,fly because of the song Blackbird singing in the dead of night...? Its an awesome song. one of my favorites
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 4, 2013
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