I can't find any reasons why I shouldn't do it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by T00lri0t, Apr 20, 2013.

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  1. T00lri0t

    T00lri0t New Member

    I can't believe I've stooped to where I feel it necessary that I post shit on a random forum to keep myself from going over the edge but I don't see anything else to hold on to. My girlfriend (if i can even call her that) and I just had our first child about 7 weeks ago and the little dude is awesome. His mother and I don't get along EVER and it really gets to me. I have even started taking Zoloft recently because I was tired of these feelings but apparently it's not helping. I try and I try and I try and I try to "do things right" and all it seems to do is end up worse every day than the last. I moved away for about a week so that we could get a chance to breathe without each other and I couldn't stand it so I came back because I want to be around her and my child. She thinks I don't give her or my son anywhere near what they deserve. I work from 4 am to 4 pm so I'm gone for half the day already and when I get back I take his mother to work and then come back to watch the baby until she gets off at 10-11. After she gets back we try to get the baby down by around 1 he normally starts falling asleep and then wakes up every hour to eat. So I get literally about an hour of sleep every night which doesn't bother me but there's points in time during the day where I literally just pass out from exhaustion. Note I said passed out not fall asleep those are two completely different things, you choose to fall asleep you can't fight passing out. And as every man in a relationship knows there's nothing that pisses off a woman more than a sleeping man. This is just one of the million problems I have but last night we got into a fight and she scratched my face and my neck and threw my clothes outside and told me to leave and now she's calling her friends over to come "protect" her or some shit. I would never put my hands on her but shit is just ridiculous. A person can only take so much before going over the edge and I seriously wake up every morning and think of ways that I could just end it all. <mod edit- methods> I can't go on living this way and I seriously contemplate that sometimes just giving up would be better for everybody than having to "deal" with me everyday. I don't know what I'm hoping to accomplish by posting here but I guess I just don't know what else to do I have nobody else to talk to...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2013
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    wow that's harsh, sleeping so little is not very good but I understand how hard it must be to manage everything. It seems like you're trying hard and she's not doing very much...maybe that's why she's lashing out at you, she's mirroring herself into you...

    do you see a therapist? maybe talk to him/her about what is going on?
     
  3. T00lri0t

    T00lri0t New Member

    No she definitely puts in her effort and does her part but I just don't even know where to begin anymore. I can't talk to her I don't even know how or what to feel anymore or how to talk or feel to anyone. I don't have a therapist I don't make much money and I've brought the idea of couples therapy and it got shot down. At this point now she's claiming that tonight she's going to pack her and our sons stuff up and move out and change her number so that I never get a chance to hear from her or him ever again. Nothing I do helps or gets any better, since I've been in this "relationship" all my friends started hating me my family hates me my mother isn't allowed to see my own child and yet still nothing goes right even though I deal with all of this. The reason she does this is because during her pregnancy I resented the fact that she decided to keep the child, I'm 23 years old with no money or goals or dreams do to throw a child in the midst of it all just gummed everything up even worse. Now, that's how i used to feel, the moment I saw baby I instantly threw away all that hate and resentment towards both of them but he damage has already been done. Now that theres no hope for anything getting better I can seriously see myself doing something drastic after she leaves and I don't feel any remorse when thinkin these thoughts. Nobody wants me around anyways while I'm here so I might as well do the world a favor
     
  4. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I don't think dying is the solution. How about asking her why she's so angry and what she's running away for? Or at least see someone professional once...or call a place? sometimes they have phone numbers for parents to ask questions when they don't know how to handle family life...

    I think it would be worth it to fight for it...and she cannot keep your child from you, you can go to court so that you're allowed to see the child...I think that for the child's benefit, he should know you...you're his father after all...

    don't feel guilty for the resentment you felt...I think that every parent feels a bit awkward about having children at one point or another...the matter of fact is that now you love him and want to be in his life. Does she know how you feel toward your baby now? have you told her you love him and you're so happy she decided to keep it, that it was a good decision after all? maybe that could change her view on things?
     
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