I can't forgive myself for ruining my own life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Reveli, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. Reveli

    Reveli New Member

    My story:

    I'm gay and I was in a happy relationship 2 months ago. I loved my boyfriend so much, despite of he cheating on me about half a year ago. He also loved me and was ready to support me and do anything to keep us together and happy.

    After he cheated on me I don't think I ever got over it. It was hard to trust him. Despite of that he did everything he could so that I could trust him again and we could be happy. During our relationship we had much more happy periods than sad periods despite of the fact that he cheated on me. I was truly happy with him. He made me so happy. There just was sometimes these periods where I would get very sad about the fact that he cheated on me and I sometimes got depressed, but with his help I got through it and we were happy again.

    About 1-2 months ago I had a very rough period. I got very depressed and we were very distant. I think he wanted to give me some alone time because he saw how I was suffering again. I wish he had comforted me so I hadn't made the worst mistake of my life. Finally I decided to tell him that we should end this relationship. I thought that was the right decision at the time. It was like I had forgotten how much I really loved him. For a little while I thought I was better off without him. It was like I had forgotten all the happy times we had together. I started meeting this other guy who was my friend. He made me forget my ex even more. Soon I realized that my new relationship was just a bandage that was keeping me together. I noticed that I started missing my ex so much.

    I decided to break up my new relationship if you can even call it that. It didn't get far anyway. All the feelings I had for my ex started to come back to me. I started to miss him so much and I realized how much I truly love him once I had lost him. At this point I was still living with him (because we had moved together already) and I'm still living with him. I told him about my feelings, but he told me that he got over me and he is now with someone else and is happy with that someone else. This hurt me so much. I love him so much.


    I cannot forgive myself that I left him and hurt him in the process. I love him over anything and I wish I could go back and change what I have done. When he's home with me I sometimes ask to hug him and he lets me because he truly cares about me. This makes my bad feelings go away for a little while but not for long. We don't talk much anymore and most of the time he's away visiting his new boyfriend. I cry almost every day and if I cannot cry there's this emptiness inside me that sometimes feels like I'm unable to breathe. That feeling just won't go away.

    When my ex is away from home I'm all alone with my feelings and thoughts. I feel so alone. Sometimes I'm unable to eat much at all, but I force myself to eat at least something because I don't want to suffer and I don't won't to lose weight anymore. Nothing feels like worth doing anymore. I have been reading about suicide a lot and that is probably the only way I can get rid of all the bad thoughts and feelings I have inside of me. I'm too scared to tell about this to my ex, because I don't want to bother him. He's truly happy with someone else and I don't want to ruin his happiness. I really love him and wish him all good. However, he probably is the only person who would be able to help me get help. I also fear ending up into a mental institution or having to eat drugs for depression that make me feel not myself anymore.

    I really can't tell my parents either, because they don't know that I'm gay and that I was with a man. Revealing all this to them would probably just bring more pain to my life and I'm also sick of lying to them which is why it's really hard to talk to them. I have lied to them that I'm in a relationship with a girl... If I get help I also fear that they would somehow find out about that and in the process also find out that I'm gay. I don't want to be a disappointment to them. I also don't want to share this with my best friend. She lives very far, so we can't really meet that often in real life. I don't want to bother her with my troubles because she can't really help me because of the distance between us.

    It just feels like getting help would ruin my life even more. I also don't believe it will help me at all. I will always have to live with myself knowing that I left the love of my life and can never get him back. I cannot forgive myself and I regret it every day. I would be in a happy relationship if things had gone differently.

    Now I feel so alone. I have to find an apartment from somewhere and that just creates more stress for me. Dealing with new people is very hard for me, because I have some social anxiety. I also stress about the smallest things. However, these are all very small things compared to the regret I feel. I just can't get over the fact that I have ruined my own life.

    The only thing that currently keeps me going is the fact that I have ordered a drug that will let me kill myself painlessly. Even though it might get taken in by the customs I still have hope that it will arrive and end my pain. I have spent a scary amount of time to study all the suicide methods, because that was the only way I could end the pain at least for a while. I believe I found a method that I can actually do. I have tried 2 other methods but I didn't get very far due to fear of pain, which is why no one has discovered my suicidal feelings yet.

    I already know what people are going to respond to this. I have no idea why I even bother to post this. It's probably not gonna help, but I have to try since it's hard for me to do anything else either. You can say the following all you want but it will not make me feel any better: "You will surely find someone new that you'll love", "You'll get over it" etc. You can underestimate my depression all you want, it will not make me feel any better if you do so. Even though I haven't been depressed for that long, I don't see any end to it and I just feel like I want to die. Every day is a struggle to get out of bed, to do something that makes my thoughts go away even for a second.

    I have never been this depressed in my life. This is all new to me. It's like I'm not the person I used to be, I'm someone completely different. I wish I could be happy again.
  2. iainjustiain

    iainjustiain Member

    Hi Reveli,
    Im so very sorry that you feel this low.
    I am not going to tell you that 'youll get over it' etc. I dont think that is what you want. Youve stated as much.
    Instead Im just going to tell you that I also went through a significant relationship breakdown. She decided that she didnt want me or the kids after more than 24 years. At the time I thought my world was ending. I believed that life had no meaning. And I attempted...a couple of times. As a consequence I ended up in a locked psych ward and on medication.
    Somewhere, I dont know when, or where, or how, I started to put the pieces back together. Now as a single father, Im still here....The depression still sits back there. And I have these moments. Like right now, when I cannot avoid the catastrophic thoughts. But Im here.
    So my message to you is to simply try and hang on. Its not easy. And you have a lot on your plate. But bit by bit, if you hang on, you will find your own road to recovery.
    Im hear even if you want to tell me that Im full of bulls**t
  3. DrMike

    DrMike Member

    Hi Reveli

    You're suffering from a broken heart, and that's a horrible feeling, but more common than you might think. I felt exactly the same way when my wife left me, now, seven years later, I can look back objectively and think 'actually, I'm glad she left', but at the time I thought I was going to die from the heartbreak alone, I stopped eating and lost so much weight I ended up in hospital, I struggled to get up in the morning and to sleep at night, and I looked in to suicide too. In the words of the poet, and I'm sorry it's such a cliche, but, despite all the pain (and it's a very real pain), it's true ''tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all." What is 'love', it's one of the strongest emotions, setting all the hormones in the body racing and changing us physically, and it's one we have no control over whatsoever, it can hit us at any time and any age, and it can be for someone (or something) completely inappropriate, but we'll be completely unable to see it, because "love is blind", as they say! What a horrrible, painful, cruel emotion is love, but would you really want to live in a world without it?

    Please think very carefully about ending your life, we've all been there (that's why we're here), but as people I know who've tried it (and failed) would say, and it's another cliche I know, it's really not worth it. We all have moods and emotions (that's what it is to be human), and good days, and bad days, and worse days, but the good days could return, perhaps not for some time, you need to get all that pain out of your system first, but they could, even if it doesn't seem like it at the moment.

    Finally, you might tell me to shut up, and feel free to do so, but it seems to me that you could do with talking about your heartbreak with people you're close to and who care for you (like your parents, for example) which is going to mean coming clean about your sexuality. I know that's not going to be easy, but right now you could do with support from family and friends, and it's not as if we're living in the Dark Ages any more, it's the 21st Century and being gay, it's okay, mainstream even... An old school friend of mine 'came out' quite a few years back now, he started by telling me and a few other friends first, he said afterwards he was really nervous about it and expected us to be shocked, but honestly, we all just laughed and said "We know Tony, we've always known and it doesn't change anything, we're still your mates." His family (parents, brother) reacted the same way and told him they wished he'd told them all years ago - they 'knew', but didn't want to say anything to upset him, the same as us (his mates) had known since we were at school together - c'mon just because we're straight it doesn't mean we're stupid, or blind! - maybe your parents are more aware than you realise and having it out in the open would help you all to talk more openly about your issues and get the love and support you need right now? Like I say, feel free to tell me to shut up, but I do know keeping secrets and pretending to be someone you're not is never comfortable for anyone and sometimes just opening up about something to others is a massive relief in itself.
  4. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member


    Excuse me, I really don't think you "ruined" your life (all your fault); it takes two, and trust was broken after he cheated on you. Once trust is broken, its not easy to repair that trust again. IMO, you are not in a good situation at all by still living with him, and still having affectionate moments with him (hugging). Yes, maybe he does still care about you, but he has moved on now. I don't know in all honesty if this relationship could be repaired now, and I don't want to give you false hope where there might not be any.

    Alright, you found another guy and tried to move on yourself, but, maybe it was just too fast on your part.

    You can get mad at me if you wish, but I know you feel as you will never be able recover from this, but I don't feel your situation is hopeless, and please don't think I'm trivializing your pain and suffering in any way(s).

    I really hope you will not end your life over this broken relationship. I'm sure you are not all that happy with your replies so far, and as most likely saying to yourself "these people have no idea what I'm going through". Well, I'm also gay and was in a 6 year long-term relationship that ended pretty badly, and I felt life was OVER. You are going to need support in some form, I know people are saying to tell your parents, but I would try to seek help from some sort of support group, or therapist apart from the family. Because if you are still ' in the closet', this could wind up only making you even more suicidal, and I'm unsure of you current situation with your family, and their acceptance/views of homosexuality, and things could get scary. You should not fear your therapist will tell your parents your sexuality because they have laws they have to follow to protect your privacy.

    I'm sorry I just don't really know what to say other than, there really is hope, I know you don't see it yet, but don't end your life over this.

    Feel free to PM if you need any support, and I'll do my best to support you in any way I can.

    Best of luck and please please please give life a chance.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 18, 2015
  5. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    I think I can sneak in another forum, but if not, I'm sure a moderator will remove it if I'm braking a rule by posting this.

    You should also consider joining http://emptyclosets.com/forum/index.php

    There are really supportive people there that are in similar situations as the one you are in, and might be able to advise you further.

    Stay strong, and don't give up.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 18, 2015
  6. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Hey Reveli,

    Just checking up on you to see if you are alright???
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