My story: I'm gay and I was in a happy relationship 2 months ago. I loved my boyfriend so much, despite of he cheating on me about half a year ago. He also loved me and was ready to support me and do anything to keep us together and happy. After he cheated on me I don't think I ever got over it. It was hard to trust him. Despite of that he did everything he could so that I could trust him again and we could be happy. During our relationship we had much more happy periods than sad periods despite of the fact that he cheated on me. I was truly happy with him. He made me so happy. There just was sometimes these periods where I would get very sad about the fact that he cheated on me and I sometimes got depressed, but with his help I got through it and we were happy again. About 1-2 months ago I had a very rough period. I got very depressed and we were very distant. I think he wanted to give me some alone time because he saw how I was suffering again. I wish he had comforted me so I hadn't made the worst mistake of my life. Finally I decided to tell him that we should end this relationship. I thought that was the right decision at the time. It was like I had forgotten how much I really loved him. For a little while I thought I was better off without him. It was like I had forgotten all the happy times we had together. I started meeting this other guy who was my friend. He made me forget my ex even more. Soon I realized that my new relationship was just a bandage that was keeping me together. I noticed that I started missing my ex so much. I decided to break up my new relationship if you can even call it that. It didn't get far anyway. All the feelings I had for my ex started to come back to me. I started to miss him so much and I realized how much I truly love him once I had lost him. At this point I was still living with him (because we had moved together already) and I'm still living with him. I told him about my feelings, but he told me that he got over me and he is now with someone else and is happy with that someone else. This hurt me so much. I love him so much. --- I cannot forgive myself that I left him and hurt him in the process. I love him over anything and I wish I could go back and change what I have done. When he's home with me I sometimes ask to hug him and he lets me because he truly cares about me. This makes my bad feelings go away for a little while but not for long. We don't talk much anymore and most of the time he's away visiting his new boyfriend. I cry almost every day and if I cannot cry there's this emptiness inside me that sometimes feels like I'm unable to breathe. That feeling just won't go away. When my ex is away from home I'm all alone with my feelings and thoughts. I feel so alone. Sometimes I'm unable to eat much at all, but I force myself to eat at least something because I don't want to suffer and I don't won't to lose weight anymore. Nothing feels like worth doing anymore. I have been reading about suicide a lot and that is probably the only way I can get rid of all the bad thoughts and feelings I have inside of me. I'm too scared to tell about this to my ex, because I don't want to bother him. He's truly happy with someone else and I don't want to ruin his happiness. I really love him and wish him all good. However, he probably is the only person who would be able to help me get help. I also fear ending up into a mental institution or having to eat drugs for depression that make me feel not myself anymore. I really can't tell my parents either, because they don't know that I'm gay and that I was with a man. Revealing all this to them would probably just bring more pain to my life and I'm also sick of lying to them which is why it's really hard to talk to them. I have lied to them that I'm in a relationship with a girl... If I get help I also fear that they would somehow find out about that and in the process also find out that I'm gay. I don't want to be a disappointment to them. I also don't want to share this with my best friend. She lives very far, so we can't really meet that often in real life. I don't want to bother her with my troubles because she can't really help me because of the distance between us. It just feels like getting help would ruin my life even more. I also don't believe it will help me at all. I will always have to live with myself knowing that I left the love of my life and can never get him back. I cannot forgive myself and I regret it every day. I would be in a happy relationship if things had gone differently. Now I feel so alone. I have to find an apartment from somewhere and that just creates more stress for me. Dealing with new people is very hard for me, because I have some social anxiety. I also stress about the smallest things. However, these are all very small things compared to the regret I feel. I just can't get over the fact that I have ruined my own life. The only thing that currently keeps me going is the fact that I have ordered a drug that will let me kill myself painlessly. Even though it might get taken in by the customs I still have hope that it will arrive and end my pain. I have spent a scary amount of time to study all the suicide methods, because that was the only way I could end the pain at least for a while. I believe I found a method that I can actually do. I have tried 2 other methods but I didn't get very far due to fear of pain, which is why no one has discovered my suicidal feelings yet. I already know what people are going to respond to this. I have no idea why I even bother to post this. It's probably not gonna help, but I have to try since it's hard for me to do anything else either. You can say the following all you want but it will not make me feel any better: "You will surely find someone new that you'll love", "You'll get over it" etc. You can underestimate my depression all you want, it will not make me feel any better if you do so. Even though I haven't been depressed for that long, I don't see any end to it and I just feel like I want to die. Every day is a struggle to get out of bed, to do something that makes my thoughts go away even for a second. I have never been this depressed in my life. This is all new to me. It's like I'm not the person I used to be, I'm someone completely different. I wish I could be happy again.