I can't forgive myself

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As some of you may know by reading another thread I posted, I cancelled my trip to London on the 6th but because someone else is coming with me now, I'm going to go to London but I really don't feel like it.

These past few days I've been feeling numb and low and things have been eating away at me and I can't seem to gain much control over myself.

My step-mum died on the 10th March and her birthday is on the 16th August. As the day approaches I know I'm going to feel worse than I am now and I'm absolutely dreading it. I miss her so much and I still blame myself for her death.

To cut the long story short, my step-mums health deteriorated and her symptoms including hallucinations and the GP labelled it to some sort of infection and gave her some anti-biotics, a few days before she died she said she wanted to go into hospital and we thought it was her brain playing tricks on her again and we dismissed it but then when she went into hospital it was too late. One of the nurses even told me I was at fault for not getting help sooner but it was the GP who labelled it to a so-called "chest infection" but it was something more serious than that, which was treatable and she could very well be sleeping upstairs as I type this. She could be fine right now but she's not and it's eating away at me and I can't stop crying.

I wish so badly we could turn back time and I wish so badly I listened to her and got her into the hospital before it was too late but it's all wishes.. Nothing of which will come true and it hurts so very much. I can't express how much I'm hurting into words.

Alhough she wasn't my biological mother she was more of a mother than my real mother is and she was such a great woman. I think one of the things that hurts the most is the way in which she died.. she was such a strong woman and it pains me to even try to imagine what must have been going through her mind, she lost control of her body functions and even though we managed I don't think anyone would want to die in the way she did and she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve it at all.

I miss her so much and we only realise how much we'd miss someone, or how much we loved someone, truely after they've gone and if I could turn back time I'd make sure she knew that I loved her. I really hope she knows that I love her and I won't forget her because it is so true.

I have been wearing her wedding ring for a few months and about 3 weeks ago I started to get an allergic reaction or something off the ring and I was worried it was a sign from her, saying that she's disappointed with me or angry and people keeps telling me it isn't and I really hope it's not.

Anyway.. I've babbled enough and if I keep typing I'm going to keep crying so I'll stop here. I'm just feeling really sad right now.
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did the nurse explain how it was your fault that she was in that condition? i think you should take that trip..it might take your mind off of it..at least shes in peace now and she knows you love her..dont worry
Her condition deteriorated rapidly within a period of about 7 days and during this time the GP diagnosed it as a chest infection and prescribed her some medication and said it should clear up. A few days later the GP came back and said her condition had got worse and she probably wouldn't make it, and said it's best for her to go into hospital. At the hospital the doctor said she had a tract infection which progressed into more problems and the nurse said I should have picked up on it but the GP said different. The following morning we got a phone call at 9am to go to the hospital and by the time we got there she had passed away.


I'm sorry you lost your stepmum. I'm sure she knows you loved/love her. Maybe she's watching you and reading what you've written. And I don't think the allergic reaction is a bad sign from her. Maybe the ring is trying to bring out your sad feelings?

That nurse sounds horrible. I'm sure you did your best. We always listen to doctors because they are supposed to be the experts. You aren't a doctor are you? So really, how could you have known. That nurse is just being mean.

You should go to London. It's interesting and there's lots of things to see. I think you can go into Buckingham Palace at this time of year too. You can go to Harrods and Madam Tussards and the London Dungeon and all the nice resturants and to the theatre and maybe there might be a film premiere in Oxford street.
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