As some of you may know by reading another thread I posted, I cancelled my trip to London on the 6th but because someone else is coming with me now, I'm going to go to London but I really don't feel like it. These past few days I've been feeling numb and low and things have been eating away at me and I can't seem to gain much control over myself. My step-mum died on the 10th March and her birthday is on the 16th August. As the day approaches I know I'm going to feel worse than I am now and I'm absolutely dreading it. I miss her so much and I still blame myself for her death. To cut the long story short, my step-mums health deteriorated and her symptoms including hallucinations and the GP labelled it to some sort of infection and gave her some anti-biotics, a few days before she died she said she wanted to go into hospital and we thought it was her brain playing tricks on her again and we dismissed it but then when she went into hospital it was too late. One of the nurses even told me I was at fault for not getting help sooner but it was the GP who labelled it to a so-called "chest infection" but it was something more serious than that, which was treatable and she could very well be sleeping upstairs as I type this. She could be fine right now but she's not and it's eating away at me and I can't stop crying. I wish so badly we could turn back time and I wish so badly I listened to her and got her into the hospital before it was too late but it's all wishes.. Nothing of which will come true and it hurts so very much. I can't express how much I'm hurting into words. Alhough she wasn't my biological mother she was more of a mother than my real mother is and she was such a great woman. I think one of the things that hurts the most is the way in which she died.. she was such a strong woman and it pains me to even try to imagine what must have been going through her mind, she lost control of her body functions and even though we managed I don't think anyone would want to die in the way she did and she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve it at all. I miss her so much and we only realise how much we'd miss someone, or how much we loved someone, truely after they've gone and if I could turn back time I'd make sure she knew that I loved her. I really hope she knows that I love her and I won't forget her because it is so true. I have been wearing her wedding ring for a few months and about 3 weeks ago I started to get an allergic reaction or something off the ring and I was worried it was a sign from her, saying that she's disappointed with me or angry and people keeps telling me it isn't and I really hope it's not. Anyway.. I've babbled enough and if I keep typing I'm going to keep crying so I'll stop here. I'm just feeling really sad right now.