..I can't get experience because nobody will hire me. WHAT THE FUCK. I'm sorry but if this is how life is, I'm just going to become a full time drug addict and waste away more than I already am. I've had two jobs (ok.. so I've had about 6 jobs but quit 4 in the first day..) that lasted 3 months before I quit. You know, maybe I SHOULD HAVE kept them longer. But I JUST turned 20, and I'm pretty sure flying through 6 jobs in your teen years is pretty normal. My few closest friends.. two of them my age haven't even had a job, and the others have pretty much had as many on and off jobs as me though they managed to keep theirs for longer periods of time. When I was younger (pshh.. younger as in ages 17-19.5) it was easy to get a job. Just a snap of the fingers. I lived in the greater seattle area though and the economy had not yet gone to shit. If I had known my only place to settle down would be a shitty town in the middle of nowhere full of college kids fighting eachother tooth and nail for any job opening in the area AND if I had known the economy would turn into this apparent fucking shit hole (I don't educate myself well on all of it, but nobody can deny it's bad right now) I probably would have made an effort to not throw away any job I acquired so I could have a year or two of straight experience under my belt. But no. I can barely get an interview now. And when I do they want to know what I was doing in between now and my last job.. and in between the last job and the first job. Well you stupid fuckhead, I was being young still, I was doing drugs, I was going to school, I was hitch hiking around the country, I was getting smashed, I was exploring the world, I was meeting people, I was looking for jobs, I was figuring out what I want to study in college, I was hopping freight trains, I was wondering how I was going to get a job "Well, I was actually moving in between california and washington and trying to go to school" you dumb fuck. That's what I was doing. What the fuck kind of stupid answer do you want from me? I just turned 20. I'm not 40. I haven't even stepped foot in a direction of a career yet. uh.. anyway I've pretty much given up all hope on finding a job. Ever. Even fast food wont hire me. Apparently 3 months at mcdonalds doesn't qualify me. Apparently I don't know how to dip some french fries in a vat of hot oil after three months of training. So I'm stuck in this house in northern cali. My boyfriend and I came here and stopped traveling to settle down, try to go to school and get jobs. We've been here (at my mom's house. everything personally in the house is fine. no fighting. my mom's awesome) for months and none of the above has worked. And trust me, we've been trying. There's nobody worth meeting around here.. we've already made all the friends we're going to (and they're all leaving town in twos as the days pass) because this town is full of college bro's that like to bang hot chicks on the weekend and college chicks who like to wear mini skirts and half shirts to the bars in 30 degree weather. I've been so bored.. it's been ok. I've been dealing with it the best I can. The boredom spirals into depression, the depression fuels the boredom, none of the goals being achieved results in anger and hopelessness of this situation which fuels both the depression and boredom.. which fuels the depression..which fuels.. you get it. It just keeps getting worse. I'm to the point of self harm again, which I rarely do anymore. Maybe 8 times a year for the last few years. I burned myself, I cut myself, I've been eating so much sleeping medicine (generic, not prescription) and nyquil that my body is so used to it it's flat not working now. I was counting pills and looking up lethal doses of things in the medicine cabinet. I mean I don't really want to kill myself, but I suppose everybody says that until they do. So it still worries me that it's gone this far now. I can't stay in this town much longer. I don't know what to do. I could move in with my friend in WA.. her mom always loves it when I live there.. but I'd have to leave my boyfriend behind and he is my other half. He's not completely stable either and I fear leaving him (not breaking up, just being apart) for a while would just cause worse things. And to top it off, this is all turning into rage now. I can feel it building. And I get angry, but I don't have a temper. Even when I'm drunk I never really hit things or throw things.. I'm very passive. But I can feel something building and it scares me.