I can't get these feelings away

[lost soul]

I have got up this morning I am feeling so tired after having an unbroken nights sleep.
I can't wait for the little ones to go to school. I paniced the other night when I overdosed, but today is the day.I feel like my life has come to the end. I am so fed up, I have no friends and no life, I am such an awful person.
I know what I am to do and this is it.

 

[helena]

Hi lost soul,
I reckon things are getting too hard to cope with and you can't see a way out, but I would like to ask you to at least wait a bit... I mean, try to catch some sleep, when the kids are to school,, as a lack of sleep can make things look even worse. I think you know or can imagine what's going to be like if they return home and you done it... it isn't supposed to overcome as blackmail, but you know about suffering, you know about a damaged life.....are you ready to leave some of that behind? I know, dear, I'm a mother myself and omg, how close I have been lately, and still didn't rule the whole thing out, but it isn't right and it closes all doors.I don't know how to help you to go on, when things get too bad it's difficult to see a way out, but please, give it another chance, maybe try to speak to a professional, same crisis line, maybe....I can't have peace with the idea that you might hurt yourself.
I beg you to think, rethink, and again, after a good sleep....I noticed that it has a very bad effect on me to not sleep, it makes everything even darker and harder.
just another chance, lost soul, please...?
:hug:
helena

 

[lost soul]

Hi Helena

Thankyou for your reply, I have read and read what you have said. I am so scared, the day is passing, school will be closing, what am I doing? Why am I here?
The children will surely be better off with just their dad. I arent a nice person, I must be dragging them down with me. I really feel for them. I cannot see a way forward for the children with me being here, I have to let them progress with their life.
I know I sound so selfish, but I love them so much, I really cannot stop crying. I hate it. I am 32 and had so much crap thrown at me recently its been unbelievable.

Thanks for listening

 

[Sadeyes]

Hi lost...the 'crap' you have had thrown at you sounds like it has taken its toll...each of us deteriorate when we are under such stress...that does not make us a bad person, but instead, makes the stuff we have to deal with awful and seemingly beyond our means...have you spoken to someone about how you are feeling?...please know you are not alone here...so many of us have felt our selves crumbling under the pressure of traumatic events...that does not make us weak or 'less than'...it is makes us human...please continue to let us know how you are doing, and PM me if I can be of any help...big hugs

 

[helena]

I am sure you are not in the way of the progress of your kids' lifes, and, again, my thoughts have been almost the same, not that I could think my kids would be better off with only their dad, but sure would without me. Than I try to imagine how it would be....I don't think they would be better off. They would be better off with you and you will realise that when you feel mentaly better.I wandered also if you were getting any professional help.... are you? A lot of things that happened to you could take a quiet place in your mind if analysed, talked out I guess. It's just an idea, I don't have any scientific background to go along with it, and I don't really know what's been happening to you but I reckon a lot
I keep hoping that you find a way to hold on, a reason you have allready, and the bounds you make along can be your life line, the people who care can help you carry on....we care
Please stay safe and let us know how you're doing, ok?
:hug:
helena

 

[lost soul]

Thankyou for your kind words..

I have been in counselling and have made another appointment with a good counseller but I started with a rape counsellor and she was awful, I felt like it was all my fault.

I am useless. I have taken 4 overdoses in the last 48hrs and they have been large overdoses, but I haven't even felt ill, I cant even do that right. I really cant see how the children can thrieve with a mother like me. I cant get rid of a guy that rapes me, I cant even commit suicide properly. I am so so sad, I hurt so much.

Thankyou again.
xx

 

[AWT]

Hi LostSoul,

Please gather all your strength and get some outside help - If you're in an abusive relationship there are organisations that can help you escape, leaving home with your kids if necessary.

Things will only get worse if you don't act now.
Just concentrate on safety for you and your children, not fear of emotional blackmail from your abuser or pressure from family who may want to keep their illusions that everything is OK.

Please think about it..

Andy