Let me start with I never post on these walls normally so this is a big step for me. I'm the grand age of 34, since I was 12 I have had suicidal tendencies. I have a destructive nature of which compulsive gambling is my biggest regret. I won't go into my shoddy childhood, let's just say it wasn't the best and at the age of 14 I took enough <edit mod total ecllipse method> to kill a horse and survived (unfortunately). The patterns in my life revolve around this and I seem to be in a groundhog day situation. 2 psychiatrists have told me I behave compulsively because I can't break the cycle but I can't use this as an excuse to behave in the way I do now as a grown woman. I was almost sectioned 18 months ago after workplace bullying got so bad I was signed off for nearly 5 months. And now I'm back to 18 months ago mentally. So what have I achieved in 18 months you ask. Well I went back to work and the bully made me lift something heavy and I slipped a disc which has left me debilitated and requiring epidurals to ease the pain. The bully made my life hell so I left the job, great you say, it was until the person bullying me made it impossible to get a reference. I can't get a job of the same calibre and have lost £10k a year in wages plus my back has limited my ability to do manual work. This has in turn put me and my partner in a DMP that we can barely afford. We lost our car and are hanging on to the house by a thread. I stupidly then started gambling again, firstly because it removes me from my life and secondly because I'm stupid enough to think I'll be the lucky one who will win. Why would someone with no money gamble - I don't know I just do. I owe family members £3, 500 and can't pay it back, pay day loans and more I'm a fool to myself for gambling it thinking I can fix everything. I don't have a life, I live to pay off my mistakes and right now I'm ready to throw in the towel. All I want is to clear my debts so my partner isn't left with my mess so that I can kill myself and give everyone a better life without me and my crappy existence. My sertraline isn't even touching this depression I think it has merely allowed me to function and by functioning I've made things worse. Unless someone on here has a magic wand, a memory eraser or money to help me I think this weekend might be my last. I'm not looking for sympathy, I don't believe I deserve it I just need a way out of this spiralling situation. My way out is I have a plan a pretty final one but it's a plan.