I can't go on..help please

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by clurbur, May 17, 2013.

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  1. clurbur

    clurbur New Member

    Let me start with I never post on these walls normally so this is a big step for me.
    I'm the grand age of 34, since I was 12 I have had suicidal tendencies. I have a destructive nature of which compulsive gambling is my biggest regret.

    I won't go into my shoddy childhood, let's just say it wasn't the best and at the age of 14 I took enough <edit mod total ecllipse method> to kill a horse and survived (unfortunately).
    The patterns in my life revolve around this and I seem to be in a groundhog day situation.
    2 psychiatrists have told me I behave compulsively because I can't break the cycle but I can't use this as an excuse to behave in the way I do now as a grown woman.

    I was almost sectioned 18 months ago after workplace bullying got so bad I
    was signed off for nearly 5 months. And now I'm back to 18 months ago mentally.

    So what have I achieved in 18 months you ask.
    Well I went back to work and the bully made me lift something heavy and I slipped a disc which has left me debilitated and requiring epidurals to ease the pain.
    The bully made my life hell so I left the job, great you say, it was until the person bullying me made it impossible to get a reference. I can't get a job of the same calibre and have lost £10k a year in wages plus my back has limited my ability to do manual work.

    This has in turn put me and my partner in a DMP that we can barely afford.
    We lost our car and are hanging on to the house by a thread.
    I stupidly then started gambling again, firstly because it removes me from my life and secondly because I'm stupid enough to think I'll be the lucky one who will win.

    Why would someone with no money gamble - I don't know I just do. I owe family members £3, 500 and can't pay it back, pay day loans and more I'm a fool to myself for gambling it thinking I can fix everything.
    I don't have a life, I live to pay off my mistakes and right now I'm ready to throw in the towel.

    All I want is to clear my debts so my partner isn't left with my mess so that I can kill myself and give everyone a better life without me and my crappy existence.

    My sertraline isn't even touching this depression I think it has merely allowed me to function and by functioning I've made things worse. Unless someone on here has a magic wand, a memory eraser or money to help me I think this weekend might be my last.

    I'm not looking for sympathy, I don't believe I deserve it I just need a way out of this spiralling situation.
    My way out is I have a plan a pretty final one but it's a plan.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 17, 2013
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I am so sorry you feel so backed into a corner...I promise, I have been there (and circle around that place periodically)...for each person the struggle is different, but the hopelessness and feelings of worthlessness are the same...please continue to post...it does feel affirming to know that others understand...I have learned a lot through my associations here...also, please speak to your doctor about the effectiveness of your medications...there are many others to chose from, and often times, it takes a period of trial and error to find the right combination...welcome again and glad you posted
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Get your self signed up with Gamblers anon, and get the help you need with that addiction.
    If in the UK, go to Citizen's advice bureau, take all relevant documentation of loans, debts etc, and they will at least be able to get you the help and advice you need to come to some sort of payment plan.
    Also, if in the UK, there is a wipe your debts government thing going, not sure how it works, but again Citizens advice will be able to tell you more.

    Go see your GP and see about either upping your meds or changing them and get the depression under control as much as you can. Depression makes everything seem hopeless and makes it nigh on impossible for a person to see any solutions to a problem......I speak from experience.

    There is no magic wand in these situations, but there is a lot of help available if you look for it.

    Hope you look into getting that help and keep posting.
  4. clurbur

    clurbur New Member

    Hi both, thank you for your advice. As you can see its 4.36am & I'm writing this post. The dawn chorus can be heard and all I can think about is the fact I'm still here and how crap that is.
    Just tried posting and lost it so not going to re write now but lets just say the ticking time bomb is still alive and very real. :'(
  5. clurbur

    clurbur New Member

    Hi both, thank you for your advice. As you can see its 4.36am & I'm writing this post. The dawn chorus can be heard and all I can think about is the fact I'm still here and how crap that is.
  6. Orlando

    Orlando Member

    Here to help, send me a message anytime.
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