I started University and my Dad died, just before my final exams at the end of University the love of my life decided to split up with me. I made it through the exams and got a good degree, the last few years since 2005 I've just been in limbo. I still love my ex and have been seeing her now and then ever since we split up in 2004, I always hoped that maybe we'd get back together. She moved to a different part of the country last year and for the last six months I've been seeing her every month or so and staying the weekends. Now she's telling me she can't do it anymore, and that she went out on a date with someone over the weekend, she wants to move on in her life. So it's like a second split up now. I had depression last year for which I was on medication for, but came off of it last August. In August my best friend died, now my ex just wants to see me occasionally as a 'friend' i can't stay the weekends anymore. To think of her seeing other people makes me rage. I know it's petty but I can't take it, she's a lovely person that deserves the best, definitley not me, but it's tearing me up inside so much. I never wanted a clean break as she's the most important thing to me, but now i've lost her completley. I've lost my best friend and now i've lost her again. I was moving to the same county as her to start a fresh next Monday, as i haven't worked for a while because i've been I'll. Basically what i'm saying is that i always used to believe things would get better, i'm wrong. I'm totally alone now, the person i've been closet to in my whole life doesn't want me, i'm out of friends, I just exsist, i don't want to exist anymore. I know people will be upset but i can't face going on like this, i can't face the thought of my ex being with someone else and having a nice life, it's petty and childish. All my hopes and dreams have gone and all you're left with is mediocrity. I wish there was a button you could just push to die, why is it mandatory to stay alive, the only part of the day i enjoy is when i'm asleep. I can't start my new job on Monday, I just feel miserable, how can i go on acting as if everything is alright. It's all in your genes, people that have positive outlooks or are generally upbeat can never understand the struggle that other people have. It's been nearly 3 years since my world went to shit, i've tried helping myself making new friends etc, i find it so difficult, i feel alone all the time. How many people do you have to loose during a lifetime. I wish I'd never been born then i wouldn't know any of this. The years i had with my partner were the happiest of my life and i felt alive for the first time ever, now i'm just a prisoner to myself. You can't escape your childhood or your demons.