I can't go on like this...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ordep, Sep 28, 2009.

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  1. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    It's really not working guys, I can't do this anymore. My life is all f*cked up, actually, I have no life, nothing. I'm completely out of sync with the world around me, I can't even remenber the last conversation I had with anyone, it was so long ago...

    Like this, I'm not gonna last more than a week or two. The only thing holding me back is that I want to write suicide letters and I still didn't find the right words for it, partially because I'm so apathic I can't even get myself to sit in from of the computer and think of what to write. If it wasn't for that, I'd kill myself today, no question.

    Pills are a waste of time in my case, my life is down the toilet with or without drugs so in the end I'd just be fooling myself. I know many of you guys have been trying hard to cheer me up, and I thank you all for that, but it's just not working... I think I'm way beyond any saving...

    The way things are, only a miracle could help me now... I'm not counting on one.
     
  2. This is an attempt to make you realize who you truly are. You are a beautiful soul. You don't have to do anything, you don't have to 'have a life', you can still be beautiful.
    Trust me, I have felt the way you have felt before. Don't do it! Don't die! Although it wouldn't really matter if you did, you would just go on to the afterlife and everything would be fine, but I do not think this is the thing you need to do right now. I love you. Trust me, I mean that with all of my heart. I don't know you, but i love you. So just know that there is someone somewhere out in the world that loves you and it is me. email me we-have-pirates@hotmail.com. here are some things I that I think would help you. Song lyrics, books suggestions, and inspiration.

    First off, read Conversations with God book 1 by neale donald walsch. it is not religious, just spiritual. also read or listen to on tape, "No One Belongs Here More Than You" by Miranda July. Short Stories. and read, Shoplifting from American Apparel, if you can find it. If you do not read these books before you kill yourself you will be leaving a whole world of knowledge behind!

    Secondly, here are some song lyrics by the amazingly wise Thanksgiving. If you email me your address or something (trust me I'm no internet stalker or anything I am only trying to help you). It doesn't have to be YOUR address if you don't feel comfortable with that. Just an address I can sent a full CD of thanksgiving to you. His music is what brought me up when I was way down there.

    It's a bad world.
    Ther'es a powerful force of evil.
    There's a blood bath
    We are in denial.

    We lay down in the blood, and how we try to relax.
    In the places of ghosts, we superimpose, we lean back.
    and with such dim headlights, just fly in to the black

    It's a cold world.
    It's a long long winter.
    There's a short, dark day.
    Until the night takes back over.

    But just go ooooon, friends will scream in your cave
    Just go on with your days.
    You belong to the blood.
    And your heart knows the way.

    I know there is al lyric about friends and you are probably thinking, "I don't have any friends to scream in my cave", but that doesn't matter! Just stop thinking those negative thoughts! Live as if you already have everything you could ever want. I know it's hard. I know it's so hard. But I did it, and I know you can too. I am still feeling a little crazy, but it is getting better every day.

    wake up and hail the west, hail the east, hail the north, hail the south, full circle! or just scream. The world is all around and it is beautiful, don't distract yourself by the pointless thoughts that go on in your mind. Appreciate the changing of the seasons. Look up to the sky. Look at the stars. Feel the grass with your hands. I will be your friend, if you need a friend.
     
  3. lifeislife

    lifeislife Member

    Im on the edge myself and im rather young and not a really good person to give advices. But if i look back on my life, my bigest mistake was i never really help anybody. Because if i felt really down, the thing which help me greatly was just acting nice towards some completely unknow people and from their positive responses i took such a pure life energy. It was for me probably only thing which kept me going.
     
  4. yes! that is wonderful advice, I know exactly what you mean. Don't ever doubt your ability to give advice, because that is such good advice. Helping people has been the only thing that has kept me going at times too.
     
  5. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Hey Old Grey Beard, welcome to SF

    I know you're trying to cheer me up and I thank you for that but songs aren't going to make it for me at this stage... I'm a musician myself so I have a preety large reportorie of good songs for cheering up, but it's no use to me anymore, they might change my mood while they're playing but as soon as they're over I'm back to my own self. Also I'm not much of a reader, especially not spiritual/psychological books so I'm not very keen on tracking down that book (I live in Portugal and that kind of books, easy to find in the USA as they may be, are hard to come by here).

    And lifeislife, I do try to help people, I do give advice to anyone I can here in SF, I do volunteering at a homeless day center during Summer (my mom's the manager of said center so I can drop by anytime and give them a hand). That surely isn't what's missing in my life.

    I know guys, it sounds like I'm being picky here, like I'm never satisfied. But at one point I had all the things I wanted the most in my life, then I lost it all. Now what's left for me?
    -No friends at all except for the people in this forum (and lets face it, that will never be a replacement for a real social life...)
    -Awfull family situation with my father openly hating me and trying to bring me down even more
    -Incontrolable obsession about my ex., which is killing me for not having any way to deal with it
    -Extremely delicate situation at college. If I fail a class this semester I'm kicked out. I've managed to study so little that my situation is already grim at 2 classes.
    -Suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome, a desease that makes me be in pain and exaustion all the time and has no cure
    -Suffering from traumas from my childhood

    How can I put up with that just by reading books and hearing songs? It just doesn't help anymore... Only thing that could save me is my ex making peace with me (I'd be happy just being freinds again...) or any other miracle that could give me a reason to live...

    Thanks for trying anyway... But I just don't think there's an actual way to fix my life...
     
  6. lifeislife

    lifeislife Member

    I see whats your point. You trying to justify your reasons for suicide. But you dont need to do that. It has always been your life and your choice. Even if you had kids, you would still have right to end your life. Imagine your kids would have option to decide for you. Either keep on suffering greatly with very little hope or just end your missery and finally let you rest in peace. How do you think they would choose? Either you or them would suffer.

    As they say in that nice comedy movie: In life is important only one thing, once you find it, everything else means jack shit.

    I myself will think really hard if i can get that one thing in life, i will give it try. But if i see i cant have it, then im free to go.
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Miriacles do happen as for your ex it is time to let that be. You need to move on hard as it might be. as for you college courses get your doctor psych doctor if you have one to write note to coucillors at your school so you can get more help more tutoring more time to get assignments done. get psych doctor or GP to write out your diagnosis and the support you will need hopefully this will help you get the support you need at college take care there is always hope please look forward not back
     
  8. You don't understand. The conversations with god books are different than any other books. I felt probably the same way as you (trust me), but then I read them and felt better. Only because of the books. The other books will make you feel okay about not having any friends. just go on.
     
  9. I'm sure you can find it, too.
     
  10. And you are basically just stuck inside yourself, and I'm not trying to chastise you, trust me I was the same way, but maybe try to get out of yourself and stop pitying yourself and just doing something nice for someone else.

    Or you could drop out of college, and run away. I suppose you are going to say something about the chronic fatigue syndrome now. well maybe try eating better.
     
  11. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    If people suffering from severe depression and/or suicidal thoughts could just snap out of it and 'do something nice for someone else" I am sure they would.I agree that altruism helps to prevent oneself from becoming too self absorbed but it is painful to be told to just get over it and help others when you are in so much pain yourself and reach out for help.Its ironic that when someone reaches out for help,they are told to go help someone else..and they do not get any help themselves.
    Depressed people have a hard time taking care of themselves..a harder time than anyone else in fact. Only a good treatment program can get a depressed person back on track..they can not do it alone or just cure themselves by pretending they are not suffering.I should know!I tried it many times.Believe me it is epic fail to play the fake it til you make it game with severe depression,or any mental condition.
     
  12. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Hi Ordep. I've had times when I just couldn't shake the way I was feeling. The one thing I hate for people to say to me is "it will pass." Especially when I feel this way. Now, I tell myself "it will pass" (and I get angry inside) because I know it's true.

    Please keep posting here. :)
     
  13. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    That is a ridiculously harsh and ignorant thing to say. It's an autoimmune disorder and has nothing to do with "eating better." That's like telling someone with thyroid disease to "eat better."
     
  14. Whatever you give away, will be returned to you, even if it is not apparent right away.
     
  15. and i wasn't trying to be harsh. THIS IS SUCH A FRUSTRATING PLACE TO BE BECAUSE I HAVE LIFTED MYSELF FROM DEPRESSION JUST BY READING ENLIGHTENING BOOKS AND EATING BETTER AND I AM TRYING TO HELP PEOPLE BUT NO ONE WILL BELIEVE ME. EATING BETTER HELPS SOO MANY THINGS, WHY NOT GIVE IT A TRY.
     
  16. and i think eating better helps everything in your body, I WOULD tell someone with thyroid disease to eat better.
     
  17. depleted_soul

    depleted_soul Well-Known Member

    Wow, I can't believe this is the advice you give to a depressed person on the brink of giving up. I have read many such types of books and they are not going to dramatically change a person's life and make everything all better. He already said that he does nice things for others, volunteering at a homeless center. And while it's nice to help others, he also needs help for himself.

    Ordep, I really hope you can get a miracle. I know there's nothing I can say to change the way things are for you but just know that there are people who understand.
     
  18. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    Eating better is great. I am all for it. But don't tell someone to "eat better" if you don't know what their diet is. It makes you sound foolish. Of course, diet is a factor in health, but if someone has a genuine illness or disorder and already eats well, then your "advice" is useless and condescending.
     
  19. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    eating well is always a good thing.It just does not have much to do with clinical depression.If you lifted yourself out of depression by reading books and eating right,I suspect your depression was situational .I'm glad you feel better but I think you may not understand the reality of serious depression..I realize you mean well.
     
  20. raincloud

    raincloud Well-Known Member

    That is just what I was thinking, only ashes_away is more diplomatic than I was in my head :biggrin:
     
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