I can't go on like this...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wonderer, May 31, 2010.

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  1. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    My body doesn't work. My stomach randomly attacks me, and the pain is so bad that sometimes I pass out, not to mention the other random effects.

    I've restructured my entire life around it. I don't eat if I'm going out, I have a really bland meal if I have to work the next morning. I have breakfast at 7 AM, and then lunch at like 8 or 9 at night and dinner at midnight, cuz that lets me have most of the day where I can function. Most days. But its not good enough. I'm losing everything I care about in life because of it. Because of the unpredictability of it, I have to cancel plans. Sometimes with only 10 minutes notice. Its made me unreliable, and therefore worthless. Other people can't deal with it. There's no place for me in the world.

    Even the stupid beetle crawling across my counter right now has more of a right to be in the world than I do. At least the beetle can serve a purpose in the ecosystem, and will die when it can't.

    Me, I can't find a job (partly because of the economy, partly because there's not much I CAN do). I'm a drain on my family, and I'm a major annoyance to anyone I try to be around. The right thing to do is for me to stay as far away from people as possible, to let them live their lives without the burden of my health issues... They'll all end up leaving me over this anyhow. And life's just not worth living alone.

    I wish whatever the hell is wrong would just kill me already. I wish I could just pass out one of these times and choke on my vomit and die. Or just pass out and never wake up again. I've tried SO hard to make my life work around this, but its all worthless. I'm worthless.
  2. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I feel exactly like this. Worthless and useless to the world and my family. If I were gone, they wouldn't even miss me. Heck that happened to one of my recent relatives who passed away. Just a month later, everyone was already moving on and laughing. Practically all the so-called friends(if there were any in life he had) didn't even bother sending flowers or coming to the funeral.

    I too am a burden and in this stupid economy, and competitive stuck up folks who won't give a light of day(opportunity), I can relate to your situation. It is so unfair. There are days I don't eat. I want to starve myself and just die.

    But you know what? So what. The fact that you don't work sometimes I think is more a blessing than all those people who have to go out there and suffer their bosses, the pressures of job, the traffic, just to earn an dime and lose it to bills, etc.

    I try to think, why fight it? Why?? Just live it. Hope you feel better, and get well soon.
  3. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    hey :hug: sorry your feeling down :( do you have a diagnosis for your stomach and treatment for it? it doesnt sound like whatever is wrong is very well controlled by your docs..

    your not worthless - just depressed which will make you feel that way.. here if you need to talk :hug:
  4. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    No diagnosis, the docs think I'm making it all up.

    And I NEED to have a job... I can't just be happy to chill... I'll get evicted.

    Don't know if I'll make it through the next few days. It would be so easy to pack all my stuff up to move... and just disappear. Everyone would be so much better off.
  5. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    Doctors don't know anything we already don't know. My grandma is the same way. She goes in 3 times a month with no solution. She still sick.

    Job: I understand your situation. But it depends what kind of job you are looking for. There are plenty out there in retail or cashiers and the like. It may not be much, but its something to get you out there until you find what you are looking for.
    Just a suggestion to consider?

    Well we won't be better off if you disappear. So stay on here, talk it out. Because the few of us respond to you, means you mean something to us.
  6. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    I've put out over a hundred resumes at this point... for anything I could possibly do... I've had interviews, but nothings turned up.

    The problem is that anyone I would spend time with irl... can't count on me... The best thing for me to do is to cut them all off, not to see them or talk to them, because trying to only causes pain and frustration... But I know that alone in my apt... I'll just go downhill and feel worse and worse... I need other people. Without that, its just not worth it. But its not fair to anyone to have to deal with me.
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Go back and tell your doc to check you for IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). I suffered with it for years before it was diagnosed properly. I've been on meds for it now for almost 30 years. I still, on the very rare ocassion have an unexpected bought and I still have to watch a few things I eat. But it's like 95% better than how I tried to live to acomodate it. And living your life the way you are to work around it is Hell I know that. It also makes you feel like you are worthless because you cant even have a normal day, or go out and eat what you like as your friends and family do. It starts to work away at your self esteem and your social outings. There is something the doc can do to help you. Please go back or ask the doc to refer you to a specialist or even a different GP.

    You arent worthless. My daughter was telling me the other day how she was worthless because she took her schooling towards a career she would love to do and now realizes she doesnt want that. So she is feeling like giving up. I'm going to tell you what I told her. Think really hard about 2 or 3 things in your life that you like to do. A craft, being around animals, being outdoors etc. I dont know, whatever makes you feel good. Then get on the net and research any and all you can about it. See if you can find a niche in your neighborhood and go from there. My daughter makes unique jewelery items for herself. And they are beautiful. So I suggested she take a part time job a a burger joint or the likes, save the money she needs for start up costs to make a lot of one of a kind pieces or sets and sell them online. No specialized education or training needed there. There are tons of things one can do without having degrees or 7 years of University under their belt.

    Its hard to see what may be just ahead of you when you're feeling down physically and emoitionally from the effects of your own body fighting wiht you. So please even consider the things I've suggested? :arms:
  8. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    I've been checked for IBD, checked for UC, checked for ulcers... those are the ones that come to mind off the top of my head... but I've been scanned and poked and probed time and time again, and no diagnosis. All they found out is that there are like blisters all inside my stomach... they don't know why, they don't know what they are, they keep saying maybe they're nothing, maybe I'm faking it, maybe I'm stressing out and making it happen. Stress DOES make my stomach worse, but I'm generally a pretty calm person. Except when I have days that make it obvious that my whole life is draining away and there's nothing I can do about it.

    If I bug the docs to the point that they actually DO do anything, they're just gonna run the same sets of tests they've run before and find the same things. They're not fun tests. It seems like such a waste of time given that it never leads anywhere productive.

    I really do wish that one of these times when I pass out I could just not wake up again... It would make everyone's lives so much easier... I really wonder if I could make that happen...
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