i cant go on lyk this nemore, and noone cares neway so whats the point

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by LenaLunacy, Apr 10, 2007.

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  1. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    im so sick of fyling like this!! i have a gd week, where im relly supportive to my friends, everyone thinks im better, that im happy, then i plummet, just like that! now i jus snap at ma mates when they need support, but, tbh, im kinda sick of givin support, i mean, im always helpin other ppl, so many people on msn are ppl who need my help, but i have noone to help me, im alone in this fuckin world, n i dont no how much longer i can go on living like this. ther is really no point to my life, when i look to my future, i seems bleak and dark, all just tests, to get to what, a life where i have to pay bills, pay taxes, work my ass off everyday. iv got huge exams comin up that will decide my future at college in the nxt 2 months, but everytime i go to study for them all i can think about is slitting my wrsits, or killing myself. i dont no how i can pass my exams in this state of mind, and the worst thing is noone knows, everyone thinks im this shiny, perfect, a grade, hardworkin, HAPPY girl, but im not, thers like a war goin on in my head, all i want to do is end this life. i dont want to carry on, theres no point, noone understands, noone offers me theri help, so whats th point, if im here alone then noone is gonna notice if i just disappear rite. i just cant do this anymore, i really cant, i ache from tryin, from tryin to hold on, from tryin to maintain the perfect facade, from tryin to b perfect. i dont want to hurt nemore.but noone understands!!!! grr.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    No one gets 'better' that quickly. Did anything trigger you to feel bad? Have you ever been to the doctor about this, there is a lot they can do to help you if your moods are unstable.

    Anyone can offer support and advice to someone else, but the only person who can truly look after you, is YOU! if you feel that you can't give support and advice, that's ok, you don't have to. Maybe now you need to think about yourself and look after yourself for a bit.

    Do you have any true friends that are there for you? Have you got a therapist or anyone like that? It definitely sounds like you need support and help, could you talk to someone at school?

    If you could do anything with your future, what would it be?

    You need to try and talk to a teacher. You will be able to get special consideration, especially if you are ill, you also need to go to your doctor. Special consideration could mean that if things are bad for you around exam time, then they don't just take your exams into account, they look at your classwork/coursework from the course and can adjust your grade accordingly. But you need to find out about this soon.

    It might be that your study techniques are not working right now, so maybe you need to try and adjust what you are doing to revise to accommodate your current needs. Like maybe stick things up all around your house so that you see it everywhere you go, and it is not 'active' revision, more implanting it into your brain, stuff like that.

    Are you worried about telling people the truth? People see a front and then they assume that's what is going on inside, but if you can explain to them how you truly feel, maybe that might lift a weight off your shoulders.

    There can be a point if you find one. Do you have a passion? Or a focus or aim? Anything to reach for that you want to achieve? Maybe you could find something and use that as you point.

    No one can ever understand other people, but certainly people can relate. Hopefully on here you will find people that can relate, hopefully in real life too.

    I have tried to help, maybe failed, but tried. There will be others about too that cna help, in real life. You just have to find them, teachers, doctors, therapists, friends, they can all offer help, but sometimes you have to look for it.

    I think a lot of people would notice. They would probably wonder why that happy person killed herself. And they would probably feel awfully guilty. Why don't you give yourself a chance to fight for the REAL happiness you deserve, not the front that people see. Why not try and do everything you can to get yourself some help. Feeling alone is an awful feeling, but it is characteristic of depression, which can be treated and managed to make you feel a whole lot better. Please think about going to the doctors.

    No one is perfect, you don't need to be perfect, you just need to be you. The longer you pretend, the longer you will feel bad. Why not do something now that could help you feel better sooner, as opposed to waiting until you totally crack. Why do you feel you need to be perfect?

    Like I said before, no one can ever understand, but people can relate. People here can relate to not wanting to hurt anymore, but there are ways to achieve that within life, which is a far better way to achieve it.

    Hang in there and keep fighting.
  3. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    loadsa stuff has happened in th past few months to trigger me, tis all jsut too much. i once saw a school councillor for lie 2 months about my self harm and family situation but it was awful, it didnt help at all and in th end i ended up pretendin i was happy to get her to go away, i cant talk to anyone at scl. i have sum tru friends, but they have their own problems and i dont wanna burden them. i wanna b a pyschiatrist, but how can i b if i cant even sort myself otu. i cant talk to a teacher cos i dont want them to no how im feeling, tht im depressed, noone can b told about this, iv tried different revision techniques, nothin seems to wor n im rely freakin out now. i dont want to tell them th truth bcos last time i did some of my friends shunned me, and i cant deal with that again, i wotn tell them anythin bout how im truly feeling. they dont see past my front anyway. if they dont try they wnt no.i can onlly reach for death, thats all i c in my future. i dont wanna go to th docs, cos then my mom would haev to no and i cant have her find out, i just cant!
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Would you like to explain anymore?

    Counselling is not for everyone, but it might have been the circumstances, ie school, or the lady, or the type of therapy, etc. Going to the doctors could open a new world of help to you.

    If they are true friends then it won't be a burden to them, they will be glad that you are talking to them about how you feel.

    People can't sort themselves out, just like that, and many people need help and support to help them on their way. If you did become a psych, then this pain that youa re feeling could have a positive spin. If people came to you in pain, with mental health problems, you would be able to relate and empathise and could give you an additional quality and make you excellent at your job.

    Also, remember that you don't have any, or much, psychological knowledge right now, so how do you expect to help yourself when you have no knowledge about it? The best thing you can do to help yourself IS to go to the doctors.

    What scares you about people knowing? Why don't you want them to know?

    Ok. Make a revision timetable and try to stick to it. Make sure that you plan in lots of breaks, and don't do too much all in one go. Also allow yourself relaxation time too. The more you stress out, the less productive your revision will be, so you need to find a way to calm down.

    Anyone who shuns you when you are down is not a true friend. I can understand why you hesitate to talk to them though because past hurt can affect how you feel and act in the present. Maybe you could try crisis lines, the samaritans are good for talking anonymously, you can e-mail them and text them too.

    Sometimes people need a little help to know how bad someone is feeling. It is common for people to feel so bad they think that others must see because of how they feel, but people can't know unless you tell them.

    At the risk of being totally blunt, if you die your mum will find out anyway.

    Your mum will be left with a horrible guilt that she didn't help you, she could easily fall into a deep depression and feel awful. And think about the others that you will also be hurting.

    Surely its better for her to find out that her daughter is strong and fighting how she feels as opposed to giving in and giving her family a lifetime of grief.

    If you are 16 or over, your parents do not have to legally be told if you go to the doctors. So consider it, please.
  5. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    if i elaborated we'd b here all day, my lifes just so screwed up, im such a screw up, all i do is hurt and alienate the ppl who car abotu me, even tho i dont want to, its liek i have no control over th way im feeling. and im not scared of what theyll think, i just dont want to hurt them or push them waway, cos i close up , im not good at dealing with my emotions,i never have been. meybe my mom mite b upset if i did die and meyb it woudl b selfish, but its also selfish for ppl to espect me to live in this tortured state of existence!! bcos i just cant, i cant live like thsi, i cant live in such a fragile state of mind that even the smallest thing, like flaling over th dogs bed, can make me wanna slit my wrists!! its not rite, its not fair i dotn want to live like this anymore, im sick of feeling, im sick of living, im just so sick of everythin
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    If you think it would help you to elaborate, and you want to, then go for it. It doesn't matter how much time it takes.

    Anyone that is a real friend won't be pushed away by anything you say. They will probably feel very sorry for you that you have been dealing with this all by yourself and want to help.

    What exactly have you screwed up?

    Why not do something to help yourself then. Something to make it better. Then you won't be living in such a state, you would have some help and support and be able to move forward. Your mum would much rather that, I am sure, than having you dead.

    And nor should you live like this. But it's not that hard to get some help. Its a damn sight easier to get help than to die. It is also more productive to get help, allows you the chance at a happier life if you get help and can provide you with any future that you want.

    No, it's not right, and it's not fair that you feel so bad. So I hope that you can find the courage inside you to tell the truth and get some help.

    Hang in there and keep fighting.
  7. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    my mum wouldnt!! she hates ppl with mental health problems or ppl who self harmed, wen she first found out i self harmed she went mental , she yelled at me, and told me i was selfish adn stupid, adn didnt help at all, sh jus told me i had to stop it rite away,sh didnt even to get me some support!! i no sh was probaly shocked and upset, fair enuf but she ignored me for a day,t hen acted like it had never happened after taht, ic annot go thru that again, thats why id sooner die than let her no abotu this. iv screwed everything up,i screwed up my last relationship even tho i relly liked th guy i managed to fuck it up, and i let my bst friend buy blades so sh could cut herself, i shuda stopped her, but i dint, and i jst stand by and let her, what kind of friend am i . and i fucked up at school my grades keep droppin and gettin wrse and my moms puttin in so much hard work to keep me there cos its a private school and sh has to pay loadsa money to keep me there, bt cos i cant concnetrate i dnt get th grades, and its like im throwing it back in her face. im not th child anyone wanted, i was a mistake, my dad never stuck around, my grandparesnt make it obvs that they prefere my cousins cos theyr outgoin, happy, not morbidly depressed or gothicy like me. noone wants me. im an outcast, whats the point!
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Sorry I have to keep writing replies to you in this manner, but there's a lot in your replies that I want to respond to, and I don't want to miss anything out.

    That is a typical response from someone who does not understand. Mental health problems probably scare her and she doesn't know what to do. Anger is a cover emotion, so it covers things like fear, confusion, upsetment, etc. Maybe you could try educating her about it. Try finding info on the web and printing it off and showing it to her. Alternatively, go to the docs without her knowing. She doesn't have to know where you are going.

    Sometimes even if you really like someone, the relationship doesn't work. That does not necessarily mean that you screwed it up. Also remember though that you are contending with a great deal at the moment, and most of your energy is going into staying alive, so your focuses will be elsewhere outside of a relationship.

    Would she have bought them at another time? Yes. She would have bought them anyway, she is in control and can choose what she wants to do. How would you want a friend to act if you were buying blades? All you can do is direct her to some help and support if she wants it. other than that she is in control.

    you are not doing it intentionally, so you are not throwing it back in your face, but your illness is affecting that aspect of your life. Like I suggested before, try talking to a teacher. As I understand it, you have exams coming up, right? So you have not fucked those up, so can do something to help yourself with regards to those. If you really don't want to throw it in your mums face, then do something to help yourself do ok in those exams.

    Feeling like that is awful. I know I am not the child my parents wanted and I can relate so much to you in that sense, it sucks. I don't have much advice, but try and tell yourself that you are special regardless of what your opinion of what others think is.

    Remember that it could easily be that only you think you are not what they wanted, it could be a perception of yours, or maybe they have trouble showing how they feel about you. let me ask you. Do you feel you have to be 'perfect' to be the child they want? To get love? Maybe it is only you that sees it that way.

    Have you ever told them how you feel? Maybe you could.

    Just a thought.
  9. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    its ok, u can write ur replies however you like, i dont mind. meyeb, i understadn taht its a typical response, however its nto th response i need, its not th best way to handle it,jst makes me feel worse. and as for givin her information. well hat'd hardly work. she wont let me on these sites, self harm or suicide sites, she reckons theyr too trieggering, so if i gave her info she'd probably accuse me of sneakin around goin on sites she had told me not to ! i no that iw as dealin with a lot at th time of my relationship with my bf but so was he and he put alot into it,, i jst fyl like i didnt even try, like i jus bailed, like i put not enuf effort in. and as for my frend, iv never bin very gd at supporting her, i gess, or tellin her to get support, i never believed her wen sh sed sh was suciidal, and when i finally did believ her sh ended up in a mental health unit,which she hated, n hasnt done much gd, n that was partyl my fault cos she acted on my advice :S i just dont think im a good person, a good friend, to anyone, i try my best, but its just not good enough. i am tryin relly hard to study for these exams and to do well in them, but its so hard with these urges to jus end it all, to jus slit my wrists all the time, i relly find it hard to cope. i dont no how to ask a teacher for advice, surely askin for advice about my revision isnt gonna help cos iv tryed allt he different sorts of revision there is n none relly work. so what help can a teacher offer me? im not special, im worthelss, i was a mistake, im not ment to b here and i alwasy fyl like i should try n correct that of that makes sense, i wasnt ment to be here, so why am i , cos this existence is pretty pointless from where im standin so i dont see the point in carrying on . i do have to be perfect to b th child they want, or at least as near to perfect as possible, cos noone can b 100% perfect. i jus want to fyl like im watned, like someone cares, like im not jus a huge burden to my mom and grandparents, i no they love me, but sometimes i just dnt feel it. i told my mom that i felt i was th unwatned one adn stuff once but she jus told me to stop bein silly n to grow up.
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thanks :) It means I can answer you as fully as I can.

    That's awful. I can see how it must be so difficult for you. Maybe you could side step your mum. Is there another adult that you trust enough to appropach them an talk to? Maybe a friends mum, or an aunt, older sibling, or cousin, or someone like that?

    Maybe the time was not right for you. You put a LOT of effort into being alive and that is far more productive in the long run. you might feel you put no effort in, but surely that shows you heart was not in the relationship at that time.

    what advice did you give her that you think she acted on? I think you tried your best to support her, and no one can ask more of that.

    Not good enough by whos standard? Yours? Because nothing will be good enough by your standard, you always want to achieve more. I can't see anything in you that is bad. I can see someone who is intelligent, but is really hurting inside, someone who needs her mum to love her but feels she doesn't, someone who needs some love and care and doesn't get it. That's not bad.

    A teacher can talk to you about special consideration. They could help you work out a way to revise, and also help you with the best things to revise, they can help with being there if you panic and they can remind you of all you know, they can be there if you have any problems or queries. There is a lot that teachers can do.

    Your mum might have mistakenly conceived you, but she made the CHOICE to have you. That was a conscious choice, so by ending your life you would not be correcting anything, just going against what your mum wants. And if you want to be perfect, going against your mum would not be a good thing to do.

    I could have written this. But you know what? no matter how close to perfect you get it wont change how they are. it's not a problem with you, it's a problem with them showing how they feel about you, which is not your fault. You could be the perfect angel daughter, but they would still struggle to show how they feel. Unfortunately, you are the one that suffers, but that does not make it a problem with you, or anything that you can change.

    It's good you know that they love you, but it seems like you need them to show it more often. Is there anyway you could try and spend more time with you mum, just you and her?

    It's a shame that she struggles to tell you how she feels. I bet you could have done with a hug and an 'of course I love you' when you said that. Maybe she has problems relating to people, and she is scared of it, for some reason.
  11. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    i used to talk to my aunty, but ther was a big family row n we dnt talk much nemore, plus i dont trust her, cos last time i told her stuff bout fylin suicidal sh told my mom n made things wose, i dont no nayone else who can help me, most adults i no tell my mom when i tell them, i cant trust neone, ther is noone for me to turn to for help. i dont get on with my friends parents, probably bcos i rarely go to friend's houses nemore, and also, i wudnt trust them either, as you can see i have big trust issues here. i told my best friend that sh shud call her dr, and her dr got her sectioned and sh was in ther for liek 3 months, it dusnt seem to haev dun ne gd tbh tho, sh still s/h's and shizz, i dunno, i jst fyl like tht hole experience for her, was partially my fault. but i gess on th other hand, had i not advised her to go to her doctor sh cud b dead rite now! o, i dont no anymore! im not trying to b perfect nemore, its too tiring, tht and tryin to stay alive jus is too much, i jus wanna give up everythin now, gve up my life, give up this perfect image, jus give it all up . theres no chanc of me and mom spendin more time together, spesh now my stepdads moved down to where i live. hes here all tht ime, every weekend. and during the week, when mom gets home from work, shes too tired to hold a proper convo with me. i wanted to go on a picnic jus me n her this weekend,. buit sh sed we cant cos my stepdads comin down! i dont no, im sick of my family, im sick of my life, i jus odnt c th poin nemore, in fact, i dont even no what im doin here nemore. and th only thing tht makes me happy is cutting myself! im happy now, cos i can self harm cos im not goin away this weekend now, so i can do what i want without fear of repercussions now, adn that makes me happy. but at th same time, it scares me that th thing tht makes me happy is th thing i no i shudnt b doin :S im sick of thinkin, i wish there was a way i cud switch my brain off.
  12. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

  13. philio

    philio Well-Known Member

    I'm not an active member of this forum, and i only really discovered this forum by chance...

    ..but i am in the exact same situation as you little goth girly...

    ...have periods of time where i'm great, and low periods, but i try to put a brave face on things, and act cheery. i seem to offer everyone else i know help freely, but i dont really get it back... got some exams coming up as well, though there for uni not college...

    ... so i'd love to talk to you, over msn maybes, since were in the same situation we might be able to help each other or something, (msn = phil_wilko03@hotmail.com)...

    ...oh and i'm a bit of a nerd, so i might be able to help with your exams since i've done them already...
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