I Can't Go On!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Melbel, Jun 3, 2012.

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  1. Melbel

    Melbel Member

    I am so terrified! My heart is racing and I am in so much pain! My so called friends aren't there for me. I asked one to meet meand she just stopped by for 10 minutes because she had more important things to do. I found ouit last Tues that where I work, thwey are closing! Our new store manager is very young (26) and can't handle the stress and it tricles down to me as the assistant! It has magnified my suicisal tendicies tenfold!! I wake up in a panic attack every day now! I JUST WANT TO END IT NOW!! I am tired! I have reached out to friends..didn't work! I can't tell anyone in my family..went through this 20 years ago and it was an utter emberasment to them..My Mom came to a session and told my therapist "I'm not her support system. Never have been and never will!" I tried talkimg to my husband..he. Gets angry and more abusive! My insurance kicked in and I found a therapist..appointment isn't till August! I have major trust issues and it is hard to find someone I can open up to!! I have tried! I am nothing but a big failure!! even enough for stitches but I watched it slowly bleed! I can't even cut mysel right!! and just made me sleepy. I drink to dull the pain because it is all I got!! I can't do this thing called life anymore! I'm just better off dead! Peiple will get over it! I know for a fact because a friend beat me to the punch 2 weeks ago! Everyone has since moved on! O am so terrified that today is the day I'm going to end my miserable sorry existence.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 3, 2012
  2. yep

    yep Well-Known Member

    Not today. There is more we can do first.
    It seems a sort of lonely place you are. No one to get support from and trying to escape. Be aware that panic atacks is a psysiological reaction to stress not a real threat. Pain is that psysical pain? Is your doctor helping?
    Over all, remember you are not alone, we are here to support you. Tell us what exactly is happening that you feel so unahppy now and we will listen and support you. You are not alone.
     
  3. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    But you can always wait for tomorrow. We're here for you, and you could always pick up the phone to call a hotline; there's people always waiting and always ready to talk. All you have to do is reach out for them. Do you have any siblings, or maybe a work friend who you can at least call? Hang in there, you can always wait until tomorrow.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sounds like your panic is really getting you to the boiling point...what can you do to less the reaction? For me, it is meditation, exercise, no coffee, etc. When I feel it coming on, I go into emergency mode and do what I can...it does reduce it considerably...if you are in an emergency situation, either call and have you appointment moved up or go to the ER...do not wait to see what will happen...that is never a proactive approach to depression and anxiety...please let us know you are safe...also, your abusive husband...hope you find a space to talk to your therapist about this once you are comfortable...your mother and husband sound like they contribute more than help...you do not deserve to be treated like this...and no, you are not a failure at all...you are someone in pain, which makes all of our perceptions distorted...sending you caring thoughts and hope you post again to let us know how you are doing
     
  5. Melbel

    Melbel Member

    I am trying to hold on! I took a drive wishing for an accident listening to my "trigger" music and drinking. Some how I ened up at my local bar where they know me. Sometimes it is easier to keep up a facade but I am afraid what will happen when I leavge this comfort zone. I want to just disapear! I fantazie just driving and know one will know where I am. I am hidding the pain as I always do and my panic attack is coming on so strong on the inside. I am here by myself not knowing anyone but the barkeeps watrching TV. I have no one to call, no co-workers, no siblings. I have gotten 2 calls from work just now but haven't respoƑded. This has REALLY put me over the edge!!
     
  6. Gimiq

    Gimiq Well-Known Member

    Hey. I think I understand whats happening now. People here have alot of painful secret to but its seems like your still going through some facet of yours. We will be here to listen. Keep talking give us just enough info at first to start looking for ways to help.
     
  7. Melbel

    Melbel Member

    If I don't call back, my life will be more hell tomorrow. If I do call, they will just bitch me out! I can't handle it! I want to just end it! I can't call in tomorrow being on the managment staff. But, I can't do it!! I have NO down time! I can't move up my appointment up but I'm on a waiting list. If I go to the ER, I am afraid I will be admitted and lose my job and forfiet my bonus. I am between a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do. I am scared and so alone. I can't go to the ER on my own. Thank you for listening but I feel so worthless and such a bother to everyone.
     
  8. Gimiq

    Gimiq Well-Known Member

    Alright your not a bother. If you told him you were quitting becuase the company was going under and took two weeks vaca while giving two weeks notice would he by it. Also admitting yourself wont cuase you to loose your job I mean im sure its illegal. Also it could offer a fresh start infact I would use option 2. If what I think your going through is what your going through they will help. so what are u thinking.
     
  9. Melbel

    Melbel Member

    I am not doing well. I am in desparate need of help and have no one to help me. I am sorry but I can't do it!!
     
  10. Gimiq

    Gimiq Well-Known Member

    Im still here. you seaid you need help so what do you need.
     
  11. Melbel

    Melbel Member

    I wish I had a friend that would tAke to the ER. I drank a lot tonight and it has numbed my pain. I took so hopefullyI will pass out soon. I am very groggy and hope I just pass out.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 4, 2012
  12. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Please let us know how you are doing and hopefully you are safe
     
  13. momluvslgg

    momluvslgg Member

    Hello again Melbel - I just read your post and I'm so sorry for all of the pain you are going through. In addition to the Focus on the Family counseling helpline 1 - (855) 771-HELP (4357) that I mentioned in another post to you, another number you can call is the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine at 1-800-273-8255. I just want you to have some phone numbers you can call (even anonymously) to reach out if you need to talk to someone. I pray that you will not give up hope for your life despite all the struggles you are dealing with friend. We all hope you will keep writing here to us. God be with you!
     
  14. Melbel

    Melbel Member

    I woke up crying today. I did call the 800 # and they told me to look up another dr to see if I can be seen earlier. I just hate goin thru the process. Its like throwing a dart and see where it lands! But I know I can't last till Aug. I am afraid if I tell them how REALLY bad things are, I will be admitted and I can't or I will lose my bonus at work. The thought just makes me panic! I don't feel safe. I don't know where to begin when I do go. Like I said it has been 20+ years since I've sought help. But at least I can put on a fake facade at work and we are so busy getting ready for our store to close. Our store manager is stressed out and says very hurtful things which is so hard on me to pretend it doesn't bother me and that she is stressed out too. I cry all the way to work and all the way home. I don't really eat much anymore. I just am numb all the time and I don't feel real. I am at my wits end! My panic attacks are getting more intense and more often. I am so scared that I will act upon them. Which I have. I am afraid that each attempt is more serious than the prior one!
     
  15. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni


    Which is more important, your life or a bonus at work? You should do what ever it takes to find wellness, and then when you are improving you can seek out a new job where you can be happier working. Seeking out a doctor that can see you sooner may be a challenge... but it's not unusual to have to put a lot of effort into something like that. Even when one has a tooth issue, or some other ailment, it often takes a lot of effort to find someone who can give an appointment without a long wait. It is a process and it is time consuming, unfortunate as it seems. Planning for wellness requires long term commitment.
     
  16. Melbel

    Melbel Member

    I have not eaten but a few crackers today. Food just doesn't seem appealing anymore. I was very busy at work today but inside I am exhausted from keeping up the facade and I am shaking so bad that I was afraid they would notice. I did finally get online to check on who was on my plan. I found 2 more doctors that might work. What am I suppose to say if I get an appointment with them? I don't want to just waste their time and not say anything but I don't know how to approach them. What questions do I ask to make me feel more trusting? I don't want to just ramble like I have here. I know he will ask me "So why are you here?" I'll say something stupid like "I just got a lot goin on and don't know where to start" I don't want to drug up some stupid psycho babble about my childhood...blah...blah...blah. I already dealt with that before and really don't care to go there again. I panic at the idea of talking about how I feel. Because of my past experiences with the "system" I am VERY cautious on what I say. Hell, I ODed before..had my stomach pumped..spent one night on psych ward and told them that I was stressed and took too many sleep aids. I convienced them I wasn't suicidal..when I was...and they turned me loose the very next day. If I can't trust them, how am I suppose to open up? Here it is easy since I'm not face to face.
     
  17. momluvslgg

    momluvslgg Member

    Hi Melbel - I'm glad you are tying to get another doctor appointment. I know this process isn't easy and especially difficult with all that you are dealing with now in your life. Maybe the first step was reaching out here, and the next one you are now taking is reaching out in person. I'm praying that as you take these next steps to reach out, that God will guide you in your words and work through the Doctors and medical staff to provide a safe place for you to get the help you are seeking. I also hope you can reach out to someone else in your life in person, in addition to the doctor, so you have someone to talk to regularly for support. As you mentioned, you have experienced much loss recently, so I hope the articles series on the stages of Grief will be useful to you. We care about you here and I'm keeping you in my prayers!
     
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