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I can't handle it anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by laststand, Jan 21, 2010.

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  1. laststand

    laststand New Member

    I'm not really sure where to start off so here it is in a nutshell ...
    I'm 26 years old and I have no reason to live anymore. I've been diagnosed with kidney failure and will need to go on dialysis/ and get a transplant.
    I have many friends that are allways around yet I feel like I'm alone.
    My family has been suppourting me emotionally and financially for a very long time as I'm to sick to work. I couldn't ask for a more loving family.
    The woman i care for just wants to be friends and nothing more, and i don't blame her because I'll never beable to suppourt her, give her a family and everything that she deserves.
    I'm going to be on disability for the rest of my life just living feeling sick and tired and hooked up to a machine to filter my blood everyother day, not really living just staying alive.
    There's just no point to my life anymore there's nothing else i want to see or do, I want to just end it now instead of draging my life on with a stupid machine. I feel empty inside and a drain to my family(even tho they don't see it that way) I just wish it could all end.
    Everyday of my life is the same as the last i get up i watch tv i eat I talk to friends and or hang out with them then I go to bed. some days i feel sicker and more worn out than others, but everyday I lay in bed wishing it would just end.
    I have no goals, nor do i want any. I don't find enjoyment out of anything anymore either.
    I feel as if I'm all ready dead, but my body is still walking around with the living.
    I want / need a reason to live but havn't been able to find one.
    I don't really know what kind of advice I'm asking for I guess i just need to let someone know how i feel. I can't tell my family how I feel because on how hard they will take it.
    Thanks for your time.
  2. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    hey :hug: welcome to the forum :)

    sorry things are so awful for you right now :( you say about the dialysis etc... when you get a transplant im assuming you wont need dialysis still? so that is a point you can perhaps look forward to.. i know a couple of people who have had kidney transplants and are now living normal lives with work and relationships...

    can you think of any ways you can work with and around this medical problem in order to lead a life nearer to that that you wish for? i understand it may be difficult for you to do some things and that tiredness etc are going to be bad... but with adjustments in the way you live your life do you think you could start feeling better about things?

    anyway - again - welcome - and i hope that you find lots of support and friendship here :hug:
  3. laststand

    laststand New Member

    Well if I'm lucky enough to get a transplant I will no longer need dialysis, but my doctor has told me I will never feel better then I do now and it's only going to get worse for me, even with a new kidney I will still be very sick. But my kidneys arn't the only reason i feel the way I do, I can't really explain it I just feel like it's my time and I want to tell my family and friends goodbye and just walk away into the dark.
    I just have no purpose to live.
    thanks for the quick reply.
  4. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    :hug: i think youve got to hold out hope that you will feel better after a transplant.. i understand that there may be variable results, but certainly a lot of people say that they feel like a completely new person after transplant :hugtackles:

    do you feel like talking about what could be other reasons for feeling like you are? i think everyone has a purpose to live, though sometimes people havent yet found that purpose... what do you think would give you more of a feeling of purpose?

  5. laststand

    laststand New Member

    I don't know what would give more of a feeling of a purpose that's one of the main problems.
    maybe if I had a relationship with someone that would give me more hope for the future, but anytime I get close to anyone I feel like I'm not good enough for them, because I can't provide for them.
    I would love to beable to find a job that I can keep that I enjoy, but I just don't have the education or the know hows and even if I did I'm to sick for a 9-5 job anyways.
    I think if i could provide for myself that would help alot instead of waiting for my family to help pay bills and just sitting around day after day.
    the goverment is going to be giving me disabilty checks soon to help take the load off my family, but that's not providing for myself and money will still be tight.
  6. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    you sound like an intelligent individual hun - perhaps there is a job you could train for part time? or work part time towards a qualification, maybe even on a distance learning programme? i know what you mean about wanting to provide for yourself and not depend upon others and its admirable that you would like to do that. ive also been in that position and still am to a certain extent... but perhaps as i mentioned there are ways to think around it all...

    providing for another person isnt a measure of whether you are good enough for them :hug: what IS a measure is who you are and other attributes such as how much care, love etc you have to give to that other person.

    have you thought about speaking to a professional about your feelings at all? sometimes when people are sick its easy to sink into a depression where you dont quite know where your going or what you should be doing... it could really help to speak to a doctor about counselling and/or meds...

  7. laststand

    laststand New Member

    I know I shouldn't measure if I'm good enough or not for a person if i can provide for them, but it's just allways in my mind knowing that they could have more with someone else, even if they don't care what they have as long as they have me. it jsut still there in my mind.
    I havn't really though about talking to any professional, but I have told my suppourt worker that I am depressed and I feel like poop alot, but all they had to say that's it's normal for someone in my siduation, as for taking meds with my kidneys the way they are it's almost imposible for me to take any type of med, When I'm really feeling bad I just smoke a joint or two to mellow me out, and it usally does the trick.
    But I just don't see the point in waking up tomorrow when I know there's nothing to look forward to.
    as for taking some training for a job, I just don't have the money or willpower or want or whatever you want to call it to really go threw with it.
    I really wanted to be a pilot, and i was about to go to a course tobecome one, but then I found out the problem about my kidneys and I wouldn't beable to make the health requirments for the task.
    I guess the main problem is there's nothing I really want to do with my life, and i can't find a point in living a life(if it can be called that) where i just sit around doing nothing
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