I can't help but laugh

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by SirRob, Feb 10, 2008.

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  1. SirRob

    SirRob Active Member

    Just recently (the 4th...wait for it) I went for my 4th attempted suicide. I had enough rope. Got it tied nice and tight. Made sure it could hold my weight. Had the noose around my neck and kicked off.......only to come crashing down because the branch had weakened and gotten soft. Thus I am alive. While I was sitting there I was thinking back to my childhood. I read the medical reports and knew all about it. I should have been dead. I had no immune system and was getting sick every week. I had non-stop ear infections. The Dr's told my parents that they should be prepared for my death. They Docs were 100% sure I was gonna die. Somehow I lived on. My body got stronger and I survived. Now fast forward almost 2 decades. Here I sit. Alive after that and 4 failed suicides. I almost have to laugh that I pushed so much to be alive when I was a child only to want to end it. I'm left thinking was the death during my childhood the only time I would be given to leave before all the pain started. Now I can only think of me surviving so many times as either a strong sense of the desire to live or karma and fate punishing me for not taking their way out before. So I think of this as my punishment. My just desserts for wanting to live when I should have died. This life of utter pain and misery.
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    You do not deserve this punishment, no matter how much it seems that way right now,
    Please don't try again. Can you find someone to talk to, who will understand your pain and suffering?

  3. NuPrime33

    NuPrime33 Member

    That place is right here if you have no where else. We help each other :wink:.
  4. Beattles

    Beattles Well-Known Member

    i wasnt expected to live much longer past birth either but im a healthy person physically. actually my body seems rather tollerant to anything i do to it which is fucking anoying coz i just want to be weak enough to die already
  5. Trident

    Trident Active Member

    Im so glad youve made it, my brother dsid not have this chance and he chose the same method than you. All I want to say is no matter how hard you ve been thinking you should not be here from the very beginning, Im glad you made it and you should see it as a sign. Im no way interested in the religious crap, all I know is that those very deadly attempts and the fact that you did survive might be a sign you were meant to accomplish more of your life.
    I know it wont heal your pain and despair, but I wanted to say that I truly believe we have a purpose on here.
    I was myself very suicidial when i was 16, ive felt better, even though my bro suicide has affected me bunch and I sometimes think of my suicidial thoughts and desires I used to have.
    However, it got better after 2 years of intense anger towards myself, people and life, my life.
    I like to say that we never fuilly recover from depression, because brains do remember you of it each time you feel crap, I just think we learn to live with it and I hope you will get through this step. Im sure you will.

    All my love
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2008
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