I can't help it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kurra, Aug 11, 2008.

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  1. kurra

    kurra New Member

    I feel so alone all the time. At least I know now I am not alone in the way I feel. No one around me understands what it feels like. I hate myself so much. I cannot just snap out of it. I cannot even tell you how many times a day I talk to myself and say I wanna die. There is not a day that goes by that I do not at least think it. I feel horrible and guilty feeling this way. I know that there are other people that have it way worse than I do, but I cannot help the way I feel.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 11, 2008
  2. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    No, you can't help the way you feel, please don't feel guilty. Even though there are people who 'have it way worse' that doesn't mean that you have no right to feel bad. Everyone has limits to what they can cope with, and there's nothing wrong with that. I can relate almost exactly to your post, to everything you said, so you're definitely not alone. Is there anyone you can talk to about the way you're feeling now, it can help a lot and if you're thinking about suicide it's a big warning that you need some help right now.
  3. kurra

    kurra New Member

    I've been on medication. I've been in therapy. I've even been locked up in the hospital before. None of it helps. My husband doesn't really care, or he doesn't understand. He just thinks I'm being a baby. I can't talk to my mom because it just makes her upset, and I have no friends. I used to have a bunch, but they all got new friends, or important jobs and left me behind.

    I have an eating disorder too, which makes my life more difficult. Not a normal eating disorder. I am a compulsive overeater. I never talked about this in therapy though, just came to the conclusion on my own.

    My depression seems to be getting worse and worse. I don't enjoy anything anymore, even things I would have looked forward to with intense excitement before.

    I quit going to my last therapist because I just couldn't talk to her. I just didn't feel comfortable. It's been months since I have been in therapy.

    I feel like alot of people think that my depression is caused by things I "choose." People feel that I "choose" to be bisexual and not to believe in God.

    I wish I did believe in God, maybe that would give me something to look forward to. Something to work for. But you can't make yourself believe something.

    Sorry, I'm rambling...
  4. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry your family aren't being supportive, that's terrible for you. They should be helping you a lot more and being supportive, of course you don't choose do be who you are. They don't understand, which must be very hard for you.

    You say that you don't enjoy things and feel excited anymore, so you must have felt emotions lke that before, or you must have been happy in some way at some point in your life. I'd say try to imagine feeling that way again, you may not have God, but tbh, I don't believe in God but I still have things to look forward to or live for. Like just life can be incredibly exciting you know. Maybe you could think of things you would like to achieve or dreams you've always had, and that'll help you in someway, if you try and achieve them.

    From what you said, all your problems seem to have built up and got worse over time, to where you feel you can't cope anymore. I don't know...maybe trying to find a therapist you can feel comfortable with and who understands you will help. I feel like a hypocrite because I've felt the same way, like I find it hard to talk and stuff, and then I just stopped going. But a lot of people have told me that therapy helped them.
  5. SoHappyItHurts

    SoHappyItHurts Well-Known Member

    If the issue was a mismatch between you and your therapist, there are usually other therapists to chose from. In my case, though, the withdrawal tendency of depression is one thing that has kept me from going back to therapy. Certainly, most people with depression and other mental problems don't get enough treatment. Personally, I am going back soon since I'm "stuck" again, going nowhere fast. The way I see it now, I have nothing to lose and a lot to gain by going back.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 11, 2008
  6. Klvngam

    Klvngam Member

    I get the same sort of feelings, not being able to enjoy things i usually love to partake in, I hate myself alot, I find being around new people horrible. The way people always act differently to how you would in the same situation, or say things that make the situation uncomfortable for myself.
    I've been starting to stop thinking daily about suicide, but I was at a point in which i just teased myself with death. I felt urges to commit suicide but managed to overcome them.
    The way i think about it is to try and forget everything of importance or anything that worries you or upsets you, whatever makes you feel this way. Then concerntrate on everything that is happening at that point in your life, Where your heading on your car journey, what food your purchasing from the shop, what game your debating on playing, anything that won't spark these emotions that cause you pain. Then, elaborate in your thoughts in your mind, which game would i prefer to play, then weighing up pros and cons etc etc. just to keep my mind off it.
    It takes 24 days for behaviour change to kick in as routine, I found this way of thinking has helped divert my mind alot recently, if you do find my post helps or if you want to talk about how you feel please feel free to e-mail me at jacobmorgan@hotmail.de =]]
  7. jdb

    jdb Member

    Maybe getting a male therapist would make you more at ease to talk? I've had therapy twice, both times for more than a year, and it helped me a lot. Both times with women, I don't think I'd feel at ease with a therapist of the same gender. Maybe not everybody's like this.
    One reason I did therapy was that I didn't have no one to talk to about my stuff. These days even more so, the people I see are no longer friends (I also lost mine as we grew older), just people I know.
    Though I know there are lots of people that don't trust or feel ok with therapy, if you get the right therapist for you, you have someone helping you analysing what's wrong and how you can change it. Even if my depression is getting worse as time goes by I don't know what would have been if it wasn't for the therapy I had.
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Kurra, sorry that you're feeling so bad right now. I think it would good for you if you could make some new female friends, so that you would have some friends to talk to. It's difficult when you have no one to talk to. Also, why do you hate yourself so much? Is it because you're bisexual? It's ok to be bisexual you know. You just have more love to give. God still loves you just as much as anyone else. Please don't give up hope. :hug:
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Most of my family don't understand mental health problems. They think there is quick fix to any problem. After sitting my parents down and talking to them , they decided even though they still don't understand. They said they will support me!! As Far as siblings go, both my sisters understand and my brother doesn't.. I have two neices that have similar problems. Why don't you get back in therapy and have your husband attend a couple of sessions so he can learn what you are going thru!! Good Luck!!!!
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