I can't hold it no more...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by marjoke, Jan 13, 2012.

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  1. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    I'm going over bad to worse...it seems I just only sink deeper, there is no way up anymore and I keep sinking...the bottom isn't in sight yet...

    Why can't I be like other persons who had also a great lost of somebody the loved...
    My boyfriend died in a car-accident 4 years ago... I also lost my (our) unborn child... And I can't let it go... I can't handle it anymore...

    Two weeks ago I moved out of 'our' appartment...I tought it could be a 'new start' but it isn't... The house where I live now is just a roof above my head but it isn't a home anymore...I feel lost over here... The sadness, the pain, the bad thoughts keep growing day by day and I don't see the end of the tunnel no more... I don't want to live like this...I don't want the pain...I don't want this life...

    Some people say to me that I must be lucky with what I have had...and I'm very lucky and greatfull for that...but I have lost it al...There's is nothing left for me to live for... You can't miss something you have never had... but once you had it and you lost it... I can't discribe how that feels like...I'm totally empty and have no energy more to fight against it...I just want to be dead...be with him...be happy...but I can't...
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Dear Marjoke,

    I am so sorry for your loss....may I ask how therapy is going? Without question, you have the right to be saddened by what has happened....I cannot imagine how much these tragedies have impacted your life. In the meantime, I am glad you are writing your feelings out in words. Hopefully support can keep you going....take care.:hug:

  3. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    My therapy doesn't seem to help...my therapist try to help me but he can't imagine what I'm really going trough...when you haven't experienced it yourself it's very difficult to help...only by what you've learned during your education...he really doesn't know what it is like...
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Marjoke. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's true that no one can know exactly how someone else feels. I can tell it's hard for you right now. It takes time to get over a loss like that. I'm sure your boyfriend would want to you live, though. Maybe you can honor his memory by living the best life you can - as a way to show how much his love meant and means to you?

    I'll be thinking of you. :hug:
  5. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    I have tried to make the best I could of this life...but it doesn't work for me...4 years I have tried to give it a place...but I can't...I just want to be with him...
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Aww, sweetie, :hug:. Losing someone hurts so much, I know. You had a double-whammy - your boyfriend and your unborn baby. That's a lot to deal with all at once. It takes time to work through grief, and sometimes some help in getting through multiple losses that occur all at once. Have you told your therapist that you feel like you're not making progress? If your therapist doesn't know that, it's harder for him/her to help you because he/she doesn't know that you're "stuck" on something.

    As an outside observer, I can only suggest that you give yourself time to process rationally and emotionally what happened. Think of what your boyfriend would want for you for your life...I'm sure he would want you to live and not mourn for him forever, or worse, to try to off yourself to join him. The love you shared lives inside you now. :hug:

    Please stay safe and keep posting about how you're doing. Thinking of you :hug:
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