i cant hold on any longer

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CyanideMuffin, Jan 10, 2008.

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  1. CyanideMuffin

    CyanideMuffin Member

    hey everyone

    well, im just writting this cause i really need to take it off my chest

    how do i begin? well, i hate more and more things everyday, i even hate food now cause ive always felt fat and ugly and i think that losing weight would be a good way of making me feel better, i guess now i have a dissorder or something cause i feel so bad if i eat something and i gotta barf or eat less the next day.

    and also, ive been diagnosed with depression, i should be taking meds but i dont, i hide them from my parents so they think im getting better; i wanna finish with this meds thing asap cause i regret asking my mom for help, yesterday i went to the psychiatrist and she said i was much better, i had to lie and say i was way better when i am only getting worse, i didnt cut a few months before but now i do and im just addicted to see the warm blood rigging through my leg turn cold, i dont wanna get over depression, i just wanna die, im tired of living and i just feel useless, i was a very stron person emotionally, i didnt cry for anything, really anything, and now anything could make me cry, i think everyone hates me, and im not really sure if its true, im tired of faking im ok when im dying inside. The only thing i wanna do is die, i hate my parents even if they give me everything i want most of the times, even if theyre trying to help me i hate them for having me and for being behind my back, even if they wanna help out they just make it worse
    i hate school, i feel like if i didnt belong there, i got friends, male friends as ive always had, you cant talk to them about anything serious and theyre not like me. im really looking forward to die, or at least i dont wanna live more than 30 years cause i dont really wanna grow old, if i dont feel that bad or not bad at all one day i get mad and frustrated cause i dont wanna get better or else i wouldnt die asap.

    i hate myself so much, i think i always have. i cant deal with it and im tired and sick or doing it. but i still cant do it cause i think ill crush my parents life, specially moms, when her brother died she was crushed, and i think im too much of a wimp to do it, i hate my reflection in mirrors,i didnt look myself in it months ago, now i can do it but im grossed out about it even if some people say i look good but i dont feel that way, do i really suck?

    well, thanks if someone reads this and comments, it would really work.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 10, 2008
  2. iwillbeok

    iwillbeok Active Member

    I identify so STRONGLY w/ you. SO very stongly.
    please see my siggie.
     
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