I cant hold on tonight

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Neowith, May 1, 2016.

  1. Neowith

    Neowith Member

    My birthday is tomorrow. I spent hours today laying on my 2 year olds floor sobbing while he kept bringing me toys and patting my back. I feel like such a horrible mother. But I don't know how to face the world without my husband. I wasn't ready to see his lifeless body around that corner. I wasn't ready to give the order to take him off the only medication forcing his heart to pump. I was ready to wait patiently for him to die for the final time. I wasn't ready to hold him as he left this world at 23, never to return. I wasn't ready to lay on his chest as I always did but it not move. How do I face my birthday when half of me died 2 months ago. How do I raise a child when half of me is gone. I feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way but all I want tonight is to join him.. I'm angry that my heart is still beating while his isn't. I'm angry that he's in the ground and I'm up here. My thoughts don't even make sense, I want to crawl in that coffin with him and just die. I want to be with him anyway possible.
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    My heart breaks for you :( there are no words that will comfort your pain. I know some of the pain too, I lost my wife to cancer when she was young, it hurts very badly. But stay here for the little one who needs you now more than ever. Sending prayer for comfort. (((Hug)))
    Last edited: May 1, 2016
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    He is still with you within your child a part of him is with your child

    Have you had any grief councelling any form of support

    I know you are in pain but please reach out now and get the help you need not just for you but for your child there is help so please pick up the phone and call someone the crisis line family your doctor someone and let them know how low you are and that you need help to hold on
  4. Neowith

    Neowith Member

    I don't think I could bring myself to do what it takes to be successful in taking my life. The pain of losing your mate eclipses everything. I'm still strong for my son, I still laugh with him, I still hold him and love him. Days like today I can't do it all day.. I have no one to watch him while I cry and feel horrible.
    I know his parents are suffering, I know his family is too but dammit I'm pissed because none of them lost their mate. They can lay down at night and cry together. The only thing I have left of him is his wallet.
    I've calmed down.. these feelings seem to pass but the waves of grief are too much. My mind goes to getting to him anyway possible.. I feel so alone in this, thank you for sharing your grief. I know it isn't easy but I feel as if no one around me understands what it's like to lay down at night alone. It helps to feel understood..
  5. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I totally understand how you feel, it's so hard to lose someone you love and having your son to look after makes grieving that much more difficult. I'm glad you are still posting on the site, many of the people here really do care. It takes suffering pain to understand it, most of us here have suffered and understand. I'm not religious, but I believe in prayer and will continue to send it. Please reach out to us for support anytime, there's usually always someone around who will respond to you. Bless you and your son and someday peace will return, you'll never forget but it will get bearable ((hugs))
  6. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I can't even imagine the depth of your loss. To have death come to one so young, and then for you to deal with that loss and the raising of a young son. It is a tremendous burden. But I would hope that you will eventually be able to look at your son and see your husband there. And want to be there to care for him and to tell him just how special his father was. Your son needs you desperately now. Please try and find some counseling that will help you deal with your grief and support your son. Be gentle and patient with yourself. This will take time.
  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through.

    I hope you will find counseling to help you deal with the loss and your grief, it really will help you.
    I've experienced a lot of losses in my family (half of my family died of cancer within 10 years...) and one thing I did see was that the ones who got help with their loss were the ones who got through it better, and quicker.

    Please allow yourself that help. Things do get better. Of course you will never forget him, and you shouldn't. But you need a little support hun *hugs*