My birthday is tomorrow. I spent hours today laying on my 2 year olds floor sobbing while he kept bringing me toys and patting my back. I feel like such a horrible mother. But I don't know how to face the world without my husband. I wasn't ready to see his lifeless body around that corner. I wasn't ready to give the order to take him off the only medication forcing his heart to pump. I was ready to wait patiently for him to die for the final time. I wasn't ready to hold him as he left this world at 23, never to return. I wasn't ready to lay on his chest as I always did but it not move. How do I face my birthday when half of me died 2 months ago. How do I raise a child when half of me is gone. I feel incredibly guilty for feeling this way but all I want tonight is to join him.. I'm angry that my heart is still beating while his isn't. I'm angry that he's in the ground and I'm up here. My thoughts don't even make sense, I want to crawl in that coffin with him and just die. I want to be with him anyway possible.